Blood on Santa’s Claw written by Alan Terigo and directed by John Ainsworth

What’s it about: The Doctor, Peri and Joe land on the planet Naxios, where they discover the body of Father Christmas. Who killed him? The strange individuals dressed in Shakespearian costume or the talking animals wearing waistcoats digging in the tunnels?

Softer Six: He prefers to avoid the 51st Century but he can’t for the life of him remember why. The Doctor doesn’t resent Joe being a part of their adventures but he is struggling to get used to the fact that he isn’t there to be a part of the journey. Instead his new friend is there to be a part of Peri’s adventure. There’s a glorious moment where the Doctor is pretending to be Santa Claus (and if there was ever a Doctor to be Santa it would have to be Sixie) and Peri is his pixie assistant and it is a joy to see them having so much fun together. This is what was (mostly) missing from their television tenure. Just to hear them laughing together is wonderful. The story where the Doctor manages to stop a Holy War by refusing to take up weapons. Who said this was the most gratuitously violent Doctor? There’s no finer conclusion to a story as far as the sixth Doctor is concerned than one where he gets to give a great big theatrical speech. So, he is in his element here. I love how the Doctor breaks a slave routine with the suggestion of ‘let them have picnics and mess about in boats.’ If Santa can deliver all his presents in one night then the Doctor can certain discover who is naughty or nice in a few hours.

Busty Babe: Peri has a new boyfriend and she’s insisting that the Doctor calls him her partner rather than his companion, but he decides that is quite a mouthful upon introducing his friends to people. He’s Peri’s responsibility, but the Doctor is not sure if she is equipped to take the burden of that duty. For once she wants the Doctor to let her in on the plan before he pretends to get killed. She never thought that she would say this…but she has gotten used to that hideous coat of his.

New Face: There’s a new companion in the TARDIS and his name is Joe! He’s American, but we wont hold that against him. This is what I was saying all along about the sixth Doctor on television, that there should have always been a male companion to balance the toxic relationship between the sixth Doctor and Peri. I’m certain Peri would have been a lot nicer to the Doctor if there was another companion to share her pain with and I think the Doctor would have had far more gentler moments with Peri had another male companion been there to stick up for her. Hugo Lang (bestill my heart) would have been a great choice. If you look closely they did always try and add another male figure to each story for balance (Russell, Jondar, Stevenson, Jamie, HG Wells, Glitz) but because it was a different person each week and story specific it didn’t quite have that personal touch that a second companion would have. Joe doesn’t like tunnels because he had a bad incident in Wookey Hole when he was younger. He quite fancies going to the year 2525 (he claims for no specific reason but I wonder…). He’s not been at this time travel lark for too long because he thinks that creatures can’t be animals if they stand upright, talk and wear tweed. Oh mate, you aint seen nothing yet. I love the ending where Joe has only just discovered the slave regime and the Doctor has already foiled it. He needs to try and get with the programme. Also ‘enough bickering’ at the Doctor and Peri is exactly was needed during season 22.

Standout Performance: Becky Wright as Mole. What a delight.

Sparkling Dialogue: ’Human nature took over. People are keen on freedom of religion as long as that doesn’t extend to other religions.’
‘You realise that if they request a Santa to rule on this religious dispute, he’d bring seven reindeer as part of his entourage. What father Christmas wouldn’t?’
‘Now excuse, I have a sermon to give…’

Great Ideas: People who love The Wind in the Willows so much that they have been surgically altered to look like Ratty and Toad? The body of Father Christmas has been discovered and the Doctor and Peri have to take on the investigation. In the 59th Century science has taken hold of every miracle and made them commonplace. Resurrection, walking on water, re-incarnation, life from death…everyone stopped believing. Every major religion collapsed. Religion underpins a lot of peoples lives. The Earth government decreed that if you believe in anything that was good enough, and it was re-classified as a religion. Earth was remade as a multi-faith society (and you only have to look at the story Faith Stealer to see how well that sort of thing usually goes down). There’s even a suggestion that there are religions based around old television programmes and I’m sure you know which ones it is referring too. Shakespeare was one of the earlier religions. Intolerance to each other’s religions grew like a virus and the Earth Government established Creed, a force to police religious differences. A crack team of Santa’s – the most powerful sect on Earth. How terrifying that there is a Department of Religious Justice. A gun with a ‘historical’ setting that can send you into the past. That sort of weapon could come in very useful. The Triumph of the Shrew? The Winter’s Toad? Shakespeare held the small furry rodents in the highest of regards.

Result: ‘I’m sorry but Iago is in charge of treachery…’ Mad as a box of frogs and that is exactly what the main range needs desperately at the moment; a little bit of lunacy. The actors are having great fun with this, and it’s quite infectious. You’ve got characters from Wind in the Willows interacting with characters quoting mock-Shakespeare in a world policed by Santa’s where anybody can choose any religion. Within this small adventure there is actually a terrific amount of worldbuilding, which is impressive and just goes to show that when you tell a main range story in condensed time that sometimes you can get every you need without bloating it out to two hours. Joe is a bit of a mystery at this point, but I’m sure there’s more to come from him but the Doctor and Peri are delightful and continue to be Big Finish’s tip toppiest pairing, which is a far cry from how they were considered on television. Switch off the serious part of your brain and enjoy a bit of festive campery: 8/10

The Psychic Circus written by Stephen Wyatt and directed by Samuel Clements

What’s it about: Lots of fun for the family, at the Greatest Show in the Galaxy! When a junkmail robot invades the TARDIS, the Doctor gets led down an unnervingly familiar path. Meanwhile, space beatniks Kingpin and Juniper Berry just want to hitch rides and busk – until a greater purpose calls. The Doctor’s past and Kingpin’s future are entangled by malevolent forces. The Psychic Circus is just beginning: it may lack clowns, but it already has a Master...

The Real McCoy: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy is McCoy’s biggest success in my eyes. The man is a born performer and so being given the chance to do what he does best works a treat. He’s charming and funny and silly and all those things that the Doctor can be when he isn’t taking himself too seriously. The Psychic Circus is something quite different, however. All of that sharpness and humour has dropped away and he’s pretty much rendered useless for most of the story’s running time. The Doctor is only needed at the climax of this adventure to wrap things up and so he has sent on a wild goose chase on the sidelines of the story, waiting to finally crop up and save the day. Cue McCoy talking to a robot for an episode and a side trip to Paradise Towers. Instead of this being a riveting battle of wits between the Doctor and the Master, they don’t actually meet until part three and even then it is only for two minutes before he heads to perform his obligatory act in front of the Gods of Ragnarok. Listen to McCoy screaming his head off at the beginning of part three – this really isn’t a script that is playing to his strengths. He sings and juggles endlessly. Each time I shook my head in despair. He should be an ingenious jester, a maverick clown. Not a goon. The one moment where I saw the seventh Doctor with steel in his heart was when he tried to take down the Chief Clown in the last episode. It only lasts a few minutes, but that is the level he should have been pitched throughout.

The Master: I’m sure it comes as no great surprise that the Master appears in this story, given that his face is on the cover and that his voice appears in the trailer. I gather there has been a certain amount of controversy around Dreyfus’ appearance in his story after his controversial opinions were plastered all over his twitter account. For the record, I don’t share Drayfus’ opinion in any way, shape or form (my biggest belief is that people should always be left to be themselves, whoever that is, without judgement) but I also refuse to not listen or watch something because somebody involved had a worldview that I simply cannot understand. If I did then I would be cutting out a huge body of work (Hartnell was infamously racist and there are also stories of JNT preying on the young gay male fans of his era, for example, and if I stopped watching because I am appalled by both of these I would be cutting myself off from almost half of classic Who) that is in the ether for me to enjoy. Can I separate the work of a person from the ideals of those creating it? Yes, I can. Does that mean everybody should? Oh, definitely not. Drayfus stars in The Psychic Circus and so I will review this story as I would any other. I have not had any exposure to this version of the Master before but I have heard he has gone down extremely well in The First Doctor Adventures. He is clearly a silky menace but far too underwritten here. The Master has to have a certain sense of relish but for two episode he is just a disembodied voice pushing the story on rather than an active participant. He’s playing the seventh Doctor’s usual role, the guy behind the scenes pulling the strings and behaving in a manipulative and menacing way. There’s just no reason that this has to be the Master. It could be any despot in this vacant role. He's very easily defeated as well. It feels like Terror of the Autons all over again. He goes from ‘aha Doctor I have you now’ to ‘no please, help me!’ in about four seconds. We never learn what his motive was here, either. It’s one of the Master’s least impressive appearances because it’s unnecessary and ill-explained.

Standout Performance: Sylvester McCoy spends most of episode three trying to put on an entertaining show but all that sharpness of character that he displayed in Greatest Show has dissipated and instead you are just listening to a man gurning and clowning. It’s really quite embarrassing.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘History repeats. And it hasn’t even happened yet.’
‘Nobody liked me as a child. Everybody loves me now.’ The Chief Clown is the best character in both Greatest Show and The Psychic Circus.

Great Ideas: Seeing the Psychic Circus team being assembled is the entire point of this story. Bellboy, the Chief Clown, Juniper Berry, Morgana. That’s not a terrible premise for a story but perhaps it would have been better suited to a Short Trips tale just featuring these characters. Take out the Doctor and the Master, don’t make it a Doctor Who story, reduce the length by two thirds and make it a nice little character tale about four souls finding each other. Oh wait, that’s Love and Monsters. The Circus troupe had imagination, energy and talent but needed the Master to help build themselves into something immensely powerful; the Psychic Circus at the behest of the Gods of Ragnarok.

Isn’t it Odd: It was fun the first time around but having junk mail appear in the TARDIS again to drag the Doctor to the Psychic Circus a second time feels unimaginative…and I cannot imagine why the Doctor would want to go for a repeat experience after his ordeal last time. ‘There’s something vaguely familiar about this…’ says the Doctor. 15 minutes in to part one and nothing has happened at all, plot wise. Two hippies arrive on a planet and the Doctor chats up junk mail. That’s about it. There’s an assumption made by the writer that we are invested in Kingpin because he featured in the original story and so there is no real attempt to acquaint him to a new audience. Truthfully, it is the writer that is enamoured with his creation but it feels like his mere inclusion is suppose to be enough to keep our interest piqued. Why do Kingpin, Juniper Berry and PanPipe all talk in such clichéd hippy: ‘The voice, man. That’s how we know everything.’ I think we are supposed to be excited about the diversion to Paradise Towers but to me this makes this feel even more like bad fanfic than a prequel to The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. It’s piling on the continuity and the excuse being that Wyatt is writing this script and so why not include elements of both of his own screen stories? Because they don’t belong together in the same story, that’s why. They might share similar ideals of a happy environment gone sour but together they are a bizarre fusion of tones that don’t juxtapose well. It feels like an excuse to keep the Doctor out of the main action (although action might be stretching it a bit). Remember that weird diversion in episode three of Image of the Fendhal when the Doctor and Leela head off in the TARDIS for what feels like no reason at all? That’s what this feels like. Deterring the climax. Given the cliff-hanger to episode two is the Master reveal, perhaps it would have been better to have failed to include him on the cover, in the trailer and on the cast list. Towards the end of episode three Juniper Berry heads to the bus and meets the conductor. Beat for beat this is copying out scenes from The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. In the last episode the Psychic Circus’ greatest fan turns up to see the talent show for herself. Are you kidding me? Doesn’t adding the Master to the creation of the Psychic Circus (‘The Psychic Circus belongs to him!’) and bringing them to Segonax take away the original intentions of this friendly hippie circus? I thought the idea was that they came to this planet with the best of intentions and then were ensnared by the Gods of Ragnarok. Does adding the Master into that mix complicate things needlessly? And wouldn’t he have been mentioned in The Greatest Show in the Galaxy? Because the story doesn’t really have a structure, there isn’t a climax to speak of. Revenge of the Sith lead into A New Hope but was a well plotted film in its own right. The Psychic Circus leads into The Greatest Show in the Galaxy but that’s all it does. It just sort of stops where Greatest Show begins.

Standout Scene: The Psychic Circus won’t be remembered for much but it does hold claim to feature one of the most lunatic cliff-hangers in Big Finish’s repertoire. The Doctor is out to bring down an oppressive government again…but this time with juggling! The end of episode three is even worse. That’s the point where the Doctor joins the story and lands on Segonax! The Colin Baker era (which famously deferred his entrance into stories) has nothing on this!

Result: Prequels. I’ve just been watching the Star Wars films in order for the first time and found myself thoroughly enjoying what the prequels did this time in context to the whole story rather than watching them as movies in their own right. It’s dangerous territory, prequels because you are trying to add detail to the original story by setting the prequel before but also attempting to highlight why that first story was such a success. The Phantom Menace hardly matches up to Star Wars and yet watched as a trilogy, the prequels are a remarkably dramatic piece of work that genuinely add layers of depth and pathos to the original Star Wars trilogy. Personally, Sith is my favourite film of the nine. It explains so much about the originals but is an operatic drama in its own right. Star Trek: Enterprise shows you what happens when you attempt a prequel but its very placing guts you of dramatic opportunities. The big question about The Psychic Circus is whether it is a pale retread of the original story or a worthy successor that gives the ideas more life? Does this story add layers to Greatest Show and segue into it seamlessly, or is it just a pointless interlude that detracts from the original? I absolutely adore the original with a passion, of the McCoy era it is the one story where I can truly see the series’ lust for imagination, silliness and wonder starting to emerge again after a long absence in the 80s. And the McCoy Big Finish stories of late have been decidedly lacklustre and so to say there was a lot riding on this story is something of any understatement. Can Wyatt pull it off again? No, seems to be the unfortunate answer. Greatest Show was a smartly plotted tale with terrific dialogue and characters and great imagery. The Psychic Circus is trying to match it by stealing its best ideas but assembling them in a story that has very little plot to speak of and characters that feel defined by labels like ‘hippy’ and ‘villain’ and ‘fan’. Wyatt is honestly better than this. This is a rehash rather than a prequel. Perhaps a sequel (in narrative terms) would have been the better approach? Long stretches go by with little happening, nothing substantial seems to be being discussed, music plugs gaps in narrative and the performances struggle to give any colour to the piece. That’s particularly galling because this is an excellent cast. You could remove both the Doctor and the Master for the most part and it would have no impact on the story whatsoever and you should never be able to say that about a story featuring the two of them. The Doctor is especially useless, much like he was in the previous release, and if I had to listen to McCoy juggling one more time I was ready to do some serious damage. A prequel/sequel to The Greatest Show in the Galaxy featuring a trip to Paradise Towers and the Master? Can you think of anything that sounds more like really bad fanfic? The only real joy I took from this release was Ian Reddington’s Chief Clown and how he starts to take over the Psychic Circus in the last episode and the fact that Samuel Clements’ direction has clearly stepped up a notch since his previous trilogy but since I wanted to cut my ears off after the Mags trilogy that was perhaps inevitable: 4/10

Dark Universe written by Guy Adams and directed by Ken Bentley

What’s it about: The Eleven has a plan. A grand plan. An appalling plan. A plan that endangers all life in the cosmos. With Ace working for the enemy, the Doctor must rely on scheming Time Lord Cardinal Ollistra for help. The stage is set for an epic confrontation. Because the Doctor has a plan to stop the Eleven. A grand plan. An appalling plan. A plan that endangers all life in the cosmos. Whichever one of them wins, the Dark Universe won’t want to lose...

The Real McCoy: Poor Sylvester McCoy. He’s supposed to be the main protagonist in this trilogy but in his first story he barely turns up in 25% of the run time. It isn’t the case that this is one of his dark Doctor adventures where he is pulling the strings from the sidelines…because when he does show up he is either loathed by Ace or acting as a jester in the Eleven’s court. He’s demeaned. It’s a very odd approach for him to take. He’s told a few stories in his time, and been some too. His favourite stories and the ones that fill his life tend to be adventure stories; packed with danger, mystery, villains and monsters. The Doctor always knew he was the best, whichever regeneration he was in.

Oh Wicked: Dorothy McShane is CEO of Charitable Earth. When the TV series makes a leap with a classic series companion, you can hear those in Big Finish towers salivating at the chance to take those ideas and expand upon them. In this case, Russell T. Davies’ suggestion that Ace wound up as the head of a charity in London is a lovely one, and so I can fully endorse this as a creative endeavour. The Blu-ray release of season 26 came with a trailer that got a lot of fans very excited and so to see that material pared with this release, it cements Ace’s adventures as ending with her ending up back on Earth (although Big Finish doesn’t avoid the fact that she spent some time on Gallifrey here – something that they had already set up in their Gallifrey series) and doing fantastic charity aid around the world. Good for her. Settling down to a quiet life just wasn’t Ace’s raison detre. She always had to be doing good in some way. Otherwise how could she let people know that she hates Nazis? She’s described by a drug cartel leader as a rich little white woman with her charity and it forces her to declare that putting men like him out of business and stopping suffering is exactly why A Charitable Earth was created in the first place. Describes herself as having a few misdemeanours in her youth and so she went travelling far and wide and saw a lot of stuff. It was great, but sometimes you swap one problem for another. It took Ace a long time to come to terms with what the Doctor had put her through, something that she considers an emotionally abusive time and one that she has since spent too much money in therapy trying to forget. She’s become considerably more sarcastic with age; it has brought out the cynic in her. She always used to call the Doctor Professor and then she became one herself.

The Eleven: Where Mark Bonnar’s The Eleven is concerned, Big Finish and I are of very different opinions. The producers seem to think that the character has been a glorious success and deserves to spill across ranges and that he should particularly plague the eighth Doctor. He’s been the ultimate supervillain and the Doctor’s anti-heroic companion and everything in between. The one thing he has failed to be with any great accuracy is particularly interesting. The idea of a Time Lord who’s regenerations are splintered in his mind and he hops from one to the other like a man with multiple personality syndrome is a glorious one. And it was really rather fascinating for his first story. But beyond that it has just been an excuse to bring Mark Bonnar back to the fold and the comical excesses of both the personalities that he is playing and the voices that Bonnar gives them have rendered the character particularly irritating and the worst possible thing for audio, grating on the ear. When you have an idea that is psychologically stimulating but the presentation is this grating and unmemorable you have to wonder what the point is. Maybe some Big Finish fans might salivate at the chance for this villain to skip into classic Who and face up to some of the earlier Doctors but I would rather they focussed on something more original rather than flogging this dead horse over and over again. The confrontation scenes between the Eleven and the seventh Doctor in the last episode lacks sparkle and doesn’t feel earned simply because they have never met before. Had the same scenes played out with Bonnar and Paul McGann they might have had a little more power because of all of their previous work together. They’d still be underwritten and obvious, but their history would at least generate some fire.

Standout Performance: ‘Cardinal Ollistra. Still dryer than the soles of my boots’ For one thing whoever let that line past the script editing stage needs to be spoken to (stand up Matt Fitton) but also, we’re left with the unfortunate truth that nobody could bring Ollistra to life like the unstoppable Jacqueline Rayner. I understand the desire to continue to use this character but there is a nasty taste in my mouth that nobody will be able to bring her to life with the same arrogance and dry humour. Carolyn Pickles tries, and fails. She’s a terrific actress. Give her a character to play and I’m sure she’ll do a marvellous job. But she isn’t Jacqueline Pearce in this role and that’s all I want.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘If this thing was so lethal then why didn’t the Times Lords just get rid of it?’ Many Doctor Who stories could be prevented if they followed this logic.

Great Ideas: Once upon a time on a planet so very dull and so very full of itself a team was charged with exploring alternate dimensions and universes. They spied on everything, the universe where everyone had time travel, the universes where the Time Lords never existed, the universes where the most violent species (Daleks, Cybermen, humans) came close to winning. Then they discovered the Dark Universe. A place where one species had risen to unlimited power. A terrifying, beautiful authority. The only species left. A species so powerful that they could literally destroy everything else. This handful of Gods, a pin prick of all-consuming life. A black universe. The planet Rox – is that a dig at all those Terry Nation worlds?

Isn’t it Odd: This trilogy of stories concerns me. It feels like we are back in the eighties again with a shopping list of continuity elements; The Eleven, Ollistra, the Psychic Circus, the Master, the Monk, Churchill. Creative things could be achieved with all of those elements (perhaps not the Eleven) but to have so many continuity elements weighing down the trio of tales suggests that the main range is still in state of artistic bankruptcy. It reduces what was once the shining star of Big Finish’s output to little more than fanfic. I’m ready to be proven wrong, but I doubt that is going to be the case.

Honestly, read that synopsis closely. A collection of clichés so appalling that it actually promises very little. An appalling plan. An epic confrontation. A plan to endanger all life in the cosmos. It promises everything that Doctor Who does at its most melodramatic without actually telling you anything except that it is mired in continuity (Ace, Ollistra, the Eleven). It’s fanfic in other words. Ace gave up in the end and decided that if she cannot fix herself then she will have a go at fixing other people instead. Which is why she set up A Charitable Earth. I’m sorry, what? That’s psychology gone mad. She was so fucked up by the Doctor that in her lust for some kind of normalcy she decided to save the world and put things to right the way she sees it? Who is she to decide who is good and bad? The idea of the latest species of ultimate destroyers from a dark dimension where they reign supreme is more cliché in a script that is burdened with them. These ultimate forces of destruction are tenapenny these days. Scenes between the Eleven and Dark Citizen in episode three are incredibly tedious. Somehow, we have skipped the dramatic bit of the Eleven taking over this corner of space and building a relationship with the Dark and instead have leapt straight into the aftermath, when he is in charge and their power struggle. Because this is a relationship we have no investment in and because we know that everything will go back into the toy box at the end of this story (ie, the Eleven won’t rule an entire universe) it renders all of these scenes pretty pointless. Or at least a very dull diversion. Add the Doctor in as the Eleven’s pet and you essentially have the same set up as Last of the Time Lords, just without Russell T. Davies ability to write awesome characterisation. The way the Doctor pulls out the rug under the Eleven and reveals that everything in the last two episodes has just been a terrible dream of his making...did anybody read this script before it made it to the studio? Essentially the writer gets the Doctor press a massive reset button and he gets to walk away smugly.

Standout Scene: At the end of episode two we get both ‘what have I done? and ‘It’s the end of everything!’ No seriously.

Result: I can’t believe I am about to say this because I have been begging Big Finish to give the character of Ace a rest for some time now, ever since she featured in her 900th adventure (I exaggerate for comic effect but only slightly) and stopped showing any signs of development (in fact she has started to devolve in recent years in her adventures with Mel) but the A Charitable Earth concept gives a new creative avenue for the character and this would have been much better pilot for a boxset that featured Ace as the central protagonist rather than trying to shoehorn all of this into a Doctor Who story. As a result it never quite feels like a Doctor Who story, despite how much continuity they attempt to stuff in. Sophie Aldred is actually rather good here, and she’s embracing the chance to do something different but giving her the limelight means that McCoy is side-lined (not always a bad thing) and feels superfluous. Dark Universe is unfocussed and overlong, and it fails to give us what it promises: a reunion between the seventh Doctor and Ace that is lives up to the weight of their relationship. This should have been character drama all the way. There was an opportunity to look over the entirety of their time together and to bring to a head all of themes and development. To truly get to the heart of what the seventh Doctor and Ace are all about. Instead this wants to be a big, bold epic Doctor Who story with lashings of danger for the universe. But in Big Finish terms that kind of overblown storytelling is practically every week in the main range. Going smaller and more intimate is sometimes far more effective, and unusual. The first two episodes is a ton of walking around and exposition and the last two episodes, which feel utterly disconnected, want to ramp up the stakes to monumental proportions to the detriment of all the characters. Why is Ace in such a grump with the Doctor? She had plenty of opportunities to leave him during their adventures and yet she seems to think that he forced her through emotionally traumatic experiences against her will? Is that really where we want to see their relationship end? I never once bought that Ace hated the Doctor so much that she would deliberately set out to break his hearts. It sets out to invalidate about 15% of Big Finish’s entire output (which is about how much Sophie Aldred appears in). Spreading out this bizarre turnaround in her character over a four story box set would also have benefited the character as we would have had four hours to explore the concept and for her to come to terms with her past, rather than the brief conversation at the climax that resolves nothing here. The less said about the Dark Universe and its ultimate super beings of destruction the better. Every single McGann adventure these days introduces us to a race like this and so it has lost its novelty. Dark Universe is a story that seems to want to promise a lot (read that ridiculous synopsis AGAIN) but ultimately delivers very little in way of satisfactory storytelling or characterisation. It’s confused, over the top and does bizarre things with its characters. Poor McCoy, I really want him to get some decent material soon. It’s been a while. There are a few ideas in here that are worth exploring but the execution of the piece from the writer to the director to the actors has drained those ideas of their worth: 3/10

VOY – Spirit Folk

Plot – There is literally nothing happening in the Delta Quadrant right now. So much so that two entire episodes can be set in the holodeck in a mock Irish town that is built from clichés. It irritates me that this was Voyager’s chance to truly shine (given it was the only Trek show on at the time) and it wasted its time and money on this kind of nonsense. Fair Haven is dreary enough that it might have sealed Voyager’s poor reputation single handedly. Torres is being a complete sourpuss about this whole Fair Haven affair and for once I can empathise with her.

Self-aware holograms. I think it goes without saying at this point in Voyager’s run that TNG did this before. And better.

Imagine, just imagine if this had been the end of Tom Paris and Harry Kim. At the hands of a bunch of one-dimensional holodeck characters that have taken them hostage and want to shoot them. I would be embarrassed for them but happy for the show.

Character – ‘That’s the problem. I’ve got a boyfriend who malfunctions’ is not a line you want to hear coming out of the mouth of any Star Trek Captain. Or anyone. Ever.

Performance – Compare the chemistry between Kate Mulgrew and Robert Beltran in the episode Resolutions to that of her distinct lack of chemistry with Fintan McKeown and you can see how this kind of one (or two) episode romance can bomb so spectacularly. Their scenes together are written without passion or humour and they become more interrogatory and less likable as the episode goes on. If they were going for a Titanic ‘love to be remembered for all Ages’ then the romance of Michael Sullivan and Katie O’Clare lacks all the basic elements that would connect a pair of lovers to an audience. Mostly that he is custom made by Janeway and effectively a personalised dildo. Titanic would have shocked many viewers if it had taken that approach.

Talk about luck of the draw. Richard Riehle appeared in The Inner Light first, one of the best ever Star Trek episodes and followed that up with Fair Haven and Spirit Folk. He’s outstanding in one and absolutely hideous in the other. Can the quality of the material trip up the actor? I would say yes if this is the example.

Production – The music for this episode won an award for Outstanding Music Composition for a Series but I cannot fathom how. When it comes to depicting the Irish it is as mired in clichés as everything else.

Worst moment – Tom Paris turning Harry Kim’s latest holodeck beau into a cow. To say the comedy is laboured would be doing a disservice to comedy that truly is. This might be the nadir of Trek. Painfully unfunny, taking an age to make its point and showing the characters in the worst possible light. How did anybody think that this was the sort of material that people would want to watch? With a lobotomy it wouldn’t even be tolerable.

The Doctor playing Priest and screaming at his flock is another highly questionable moment. I’m not in any way religious but I feel that if I was I might feel that somebody play acting as a bullying Priest might be crossing a line. It’s not funny or clever and so I’m not sure what the point is.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Remind me again of why we are supposed to care about the people of Fair Haven? Is it simply because the crew of Voyager like hanging out there? This is a bunch of reprehensible Irish stereotypes who have appeared in one episode previously and after this episode will never be seen again and suddenly they are worthy of their own scenes discussing the nature of the Voyager crew as Spirit Folk? The idea that they (as holodeck characters) should have their own scenes autonomous of the Voyager crew is absurd, and yet Spirit Folk goes there quite early on.

The Voyager crew are so unbelievably stupid that they manage to let holodeck characters pull the wool over their eyes and convince them that they obey holodeck parameters when they are just playing along. This is agonising.

Unbelievably, Torres has to remind Janeway that her holo-boyfriend can be reprogrammed and her flesh and blood one can’t. She’s the only one talking good sense about pulling the plug on this ridiculous programme for good and the fact that good Captain refuses that option, potentially endangering the lives of two of her crewmen for the sake of some holo-characters, lacks any judgement whatsoever. It’s a scene of outstanding stupidity on everybody’s part except Torres (and Seven, who suggests storming the place by force).

That embarrassing moment when your walking talking sexual aid beams onto the Bridge and announces himself to everyone. Poor Janeway, the indignity.

I would write a little sermon about how painfully simplistic and twee the ending of this episode is where everybody just agrees to be friends…but I’ve wasted enough of my life on this shite.

A reason to watch this episode again – Your reaction to the pre-titles sequence is pretty much going to sum up your reaction to the entire episode; Tom Paris having lost control of a motor car in the streets of Fair Haven is accosted by a hideous Irish stereotype begging for money, spouts out some monstrously racist dialogue and spots Paris using the holodeck settings to repair his car instantaneously, suspecting devilry. It’s atrocious viewing and I don’t say that lightly and thus continues the rest of Spirit Folk, which I can confidently sum up as one of the worst hours of Star Trek I have forced myself to sit through. If anybody Irish was involved with the making of this programme they were perpetuating the most insulting clichés imaginable for the sake of a few weeks work. There’s not a single joke that lands, not an inspired idea to be found and not a line of dialogue that is worth considering. I want to end this review here and pretend that this never happened. Knowing that it did is punishment enough. I was tempted to turn this off from scene to scene and it took everything I had to keep going. Money and talent was poured into this. It’s abominable.

Zero stars out of *****

Clue for tomorrow's episode:

Cry of the Vultriss written by Darren Jones and directed by John Ainsworth

What’s it about: Violently ejected from the Space-Time Vortex, the TARDIS crash lands on the remote planet of Cygia-Rema, a mountainous world ruled by the bird-like Vultriss. Their newly-crowned Queen Skye is expecting first contact with alien ambassadors – Ice Warriors - and the sudden arrival of the Doctor, Flip and Mrs Constance Clarke causes confusion. However, Skye is no ordinary ruler, she is the Fabled One gifted with the deadly power of ‘The Cry’. The queen who will enable the Vultriss to fly once again – at any cost. But as the Doctor investigates why the TARDIS crashed, he discovers that the Vultriss are hiding a deadly secret. An ancient legacy that if left unchecked will plunge half the galaxy into an eternal living end.

Softer Six: The Doctor is still trying to get Constance home to Bletchley Park but the TARDIS is stubbornly refusing. He’s seen a lot of throne rooms in his time but to see one carved from a mountain with so many beautiful frescos and intricate tunnels of light amazes him. When Colin Baker enthuses, the Doctor is at his most awe-struck. Like Pertwee before him, he manages to charm nobility with ease. This stretches right back to The Marian Conspiracy, his very first solo audio. The coat is ‘a little hard on the eyes’ for bird people with keen eyesight. Is the Doctor still a vegetarian at this point? He is confronted with a feast and we only hear of him tucking into the side dishes. His ship is not the latest model and the guidance systems are a little off. As ever. I like it when the Doctor stands up to Jabule, rams the idea of different cultures getting along down her throat and reminds her that she isn’t even taking responsibility for her own actions. I like the moral indignation that this incarnation comes with. He sums up the Ice Warriors beautifully: ‘They have honour, nobility, art and culture but they also have a deep jingoistic arrogance about their status and place in the galaxy.’ There’s a possibility that at this stage in his life that his reputation precedes him. He doesn’t believe in mythical beings because on most worlds he ends up meeting them and they turn out to be perfectly tangible. Queen Vextyr is a direct descendant of Lord Slaar, who the Doctor was directly responsible for bringing down in the eyes of his people and indirectly responsible for his death. In a wonderful moment the Doctor cries ‘When I say run…’ to which his companions cry in unison ‘We know!’ They really are an effective unit at this point. The Doctor doesn’t trust his own people to take their responsibilities seriously and feels he is often wandering the galaxy mopping up their dirty work. He’s not wrong. The Doctor says that he rarely meddles and both of his companions fall about laughing. I joined them.

Flippin’ Heck: Once derided and now celebrated, Flip has seen a complete shift in popularity over the past 16 stories. I have always enjoyed this character but since she has been paired up with Mrs Clarke even more so because there is a really interesting dynamic happening in the TARDIS. You have the sixth Doctor, who can be both cuddly and imperious hanging out with two strong minded women who are more than a match for him; Mrs Clarke who is the very modicum of British manners and wartime spirit and Flip, who exemplifies the best (and occasionally the worst) of a contemporary miss, all mouth and impulse. Their first trilogy together is easily the most celebrated of recent years and judging by the trailers for their return this year it sounds like things might be even more interesting. Lisa Greenwood is clearly quite the talent, and she’s a fine advocate for the audios as well. Both Flip and Mrs Clarke have lives to get back to and the Doctor is aware of that but at the same time they are having so much fun together that they are quite happy to continue having adventures together, for the time being at least.

Constant Companion: It’s almost as if the TARDIS wants Constance to stay. Since their experience with the Static, Mrs Clarke feels normal but at the same time she is perfectly aware that this isn’t the body she was born in. She isn’t sure she can go home just yet, until she feels herself 100% The Doctor trusts her completely to look after herself. If there’s one thing that he has come to rely on about Constance it is that she is far more resourceful than either Flip or even himself. She’s very charming and respectful, even when being insulted, and thus manages to inveigle herself into the head of the rebels. She was quite the rider in her younger days and even won the odd rosette. Constance is fabulous in the climax, refusing to let the Doctor face danger on his own.

Standout Performance: It’s quite a coup to attract the attention of Adele Lynch, who played the Ice Warrior Empress in the TV episode Empress of Mars so memorably. It’s a role she initiated and can now take to the next level in a story that presents an Empress as less of a villain and more of an ally. The Doctor and Flip are alone together for the first half of the story and it is worth noting just how effortless the chemistry between Baker and Greenwood is.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Human? That’s a name with a ring of weakness to it.’
‘Where have you been?’ ‘Let’s see; a royal palace, an alien feast, a deep dungeon and a Time Lord tech cave’ ‘You have been busy!’

Great Ideas: A planet where avian life is the dominant lifeform. The power of the cry comes from the ability to kill with a scream. An attack on Parliament failed and the Queen survived. The Vultriss are bird people but they cannot fly, although they have ambitions to do so again. I love the idea of The Feast of Worlds, a party that brings together humans, Martians and the Vultriss. The TARDIS fell down a rip in the space/time vortex…and it needs closing before it does any more damage. Time Lord technology is on Vultriss, attempting to stitch up the rip in space and keep it closed. The Doctor guesses it was an early time travel that went wrong is what caused the tear and the Time Lords in their divine wisdom attempted to heal the wound in space/time. They were more lackadaisical in those days, shirking their responsibilities even more than they do now. Ultimately the rip will grow and consume this region of space, freezing it in time forever. An eternal, living end. It will continue to expand across half the galaxy consuming everything that it encounters. How wonderful that for once the rebels don’t continue to fight their lost cause, which is defeated in episode three but instead are smart enough to turn their attention to the real danger that is threatening their lives – the tear in space. I do enjoy a smart guest cast.

Audio Landscape: There’s a really exciting TARDIS dematerialisation in the first episode that is worth keeping an ear cocked for. These clichés can be a little wearying in the audios but when they are pulled off this dynamically it is worth celebrating. Birds scream overhead and insects chirrup in the scrub. We’re on an alien world and so anything goes. The Doctor and companions are attacked by a creature that caws with alarming frequency. Boomerangs swoop through the air to murder them. John Ainsworth stages an impressive action set piece on audio – the Vultriss versus the Ice Warriors. With epic music smoothing things over, it is easy to visualise the carnage that is going on. It’s called Cry of the Vultriss and so I would have been mightily disappointed if we hadn’t had at least one murderous cacophony. It’s saved for the end of episode three, rightly so.

Isn’t it Odd: There’s something delightful about audio Who following in the footsteps of classic Who by having the returning alien race of the story appearing on the cover but still arranging a cliff-hanger around their arrival. It’s less ‘oh look the Ice Warriors!’ and more ‘ ahh, here they are…’ Kontron crystals are an unpleasant reminder of a classic Doctor Who story.

Standout Scene: I’m always saying how I hate moments of false jeopardy in the audios, just for the sake of a cliff-hanger. Especially when it involves the Doctor who we know at this point that he does not regenerate. Cry of the Vultriss shows how it can be done effectively, however, by having the moment of danger arise very quickly and to barely give either the characters or the viewer time to register before they are flung off a cliff to their doom. Also, Flip and Constance are both original Big Finish companions and so any cliff-hangers involving them are fair game. Maybe this will be the last of their characters. As you can imagine the get-out is less than thrilling, but for a moment there my pulse was racing.

Result: I generally prefer Doctor Who stories that are set on Earth or ones that have a distinctly domestic feel to them and Cry of the Vultriss is going all out to give you an alien experience. That would normally be a problem but this is written and directed with such panache that on this occasion I really didn’t object. Episode one plunged me straight into Vultriss reminded me of one of those early Big Finish adventures set on an alien world with a fully realised soundscape, internal politics and aural dangers around every corner. It’s a real departure from the here and now and right now that can only be a good thing. It’s a colourful, easily visualised world and well sketched out by the writer and added extra dimensions by the sound designer and director. Add in the Ice Warriors and this is a pleasingly exotic piece. When this is pulled off this well it should be applauded because these ‘all alien’ stories can be dreadfully dreary (remember Jaconda and Karfel?) but Vultriss is kept entertaining and atmospheric. Darren Jones includes plenty of action in his story and has the knack of conveying that through dialogue without it feeling forced or as though it is being described for our benefit. My only complaint about this story is that I would have cut it down by a single episode. All two-hour Big Finish stories are too long in my book and whilst there are plenty of complications in this story, it still feels a little padded in places. It allows for lots of charming character scenes and extra layers to be added to this world but this would have made an even tighter 90-minute story. I really like how the script is playful with who the villain is, using the affability of the Ice Warriors in Curse of Peladon as a hook to throw suspicion elsewhere and then doubling back when they have fallen in action. The best aspect of this? The return of Sixie, Flip and Constance. An awesome combination that are spearheading the main range at the moment. This reminds me of Memories of a Tyrant, which kicked off the previous sixth Doctor trilogy. A strong science fiction tale with lots of lovely twists and turns, a fine production and excellent performances. I’m not sure if the last episode ties everything up satisfactorily but I had had such a good ride until then that for once I didn’t really mind. It’s not top tier Doctor Who because it won’t rock your opinion of Doctor Who, but that doesn’t stop it being excellent listening: 8/10

DS9 – Progress

Plot – The nuts and bolts of the episode is the idea that a project that will tap a moon of Bajor will provide power for hundreds of thousands of people who are recovering from the Occupation. The trouble is that three people fled to this moon, one of them over 40 years ago and have made it their home and they don’t want to leave. What does Kira do? Dispossess three kind people like a bullish Cardassian or sabotage the project that is going to benefit entire cities? ‘If I leave here I’ll die’ says Mullibok, suggesting that if he is forced to move he will commit suicide and he will suffer the same fate if he stays and they begin cracking open the moon.

It’s hard not to be charmed by a Jake & Nog subplot in the early years of DS9 because they display a wonderful naivete and appeal unlike anything else this show has to offer. It’s two boys let loose on a station that is thriving with alien activity and trying to make a buck. At this point Nog is still trying to be a decent Ferengi and living up to his Uncle’s reputation (certainly not his fathers) and even though he scores a lucky win in Progress (no doubt thanks to Jake, who is sneaky enough to be a decent Ferengi) he soon comes to realise that that isn’t the path for him. I like the innocence of these scenes and any chance to catch up with Aron Eisenberg is great fun. He brought something quite unique to this show, not only in his development but with his enthusiasm and congeniality. And this is where you learn you can’t get a better self-sealing stem bolt in the sector. The ending, where their instincts pay off and they even manage to outfox Quark, is a delight.

The dialogue is so sharp (Peter Allan Fields is probably the sharpest writer Trek has ever seen) that a scene might appear to be about one thing (like Mullibok sharing his experiences of how he tamed the moon) when it is actually making a very strong point (he is telling Kira how he intends to hang on like a fanatic until she leaves). The big ugly tree story is another great example. ‘Oh it was a big selfish, annoying, nasty old tree…’ ‘Sounds to me like it had a lot of character’ ‘A lot’ ‘What happened? Did you cut it down?’ ‘I don’t know yet.’

Character – Dax is already showing signs of greatness, gossiping away to Kira about Morn and the things she finds cute about him. It strikes me that this is the sort of thing women really talk about rather than the po-face conversations that Troi and Crusher have on TNG.

Straight off the bat Mullibok knows how to rile Kira; calling her halfway pretty, suggesting she is a bully like a Cardassian and giving the indignity of being called ‘girl.’ It’s how Kira responds to these is where the magic is – with good humour and banter. This isn’t a combative relationship despite what the two of them are saying to each other. It’s not until he compliments her butt that she bites by quickly realises his game.

It’s a subtle touch but Mullibok’s two friends who refuse to talk because of what the Cardassians put them through is a striking addition. It suggests the horror of the Occupation without having to go into any detail.

Performance – Nana Visitor is extraordinary here in an episode that was essential for her character. For the first half of season one she plays administrator but she doesn’t really want to be there. She’s suffering from severe PTSD after the Occupation and is shoved into a bureaucratic role to get her out of the way. Here we are at the midway point of the season where Kira is starting to make friends on DS9 and starting to enjoy the responsibilities and comforts of her job and is coming to the realisation that she the autocrat making the decisions that effect people rather than the terrorist reacting to the decisions being made. Visitor has to play all of that here; Kira’s warm relationship with Mullibok, the conflict between how she feels and what she knows is right and her tricky decision to choose her uniform over her heart. She’s excellent. I know people lament the loss of Ensign Ro on this series but I genuinely think Visitor is the better choice by far. She brings a rawness to the part that makes you fall in love with her instantly, no matter how violently she is behaving.

Production – The backdrop of the moon isn’t the most convincing and what I find most interesting about the direction of this piece is that the garden and the house act effectively as a set in a theatre for this drama to play out on. That’s how this feels at times and there is no reason whatsoever that this story couldn’t be transported to the stage.

Best moment – If anybody wants to know why I love DS9 so much they only need to watch the scene where Sisko beams down and reminds Kira of her duty. He has to tell a former terrorist that she is on ‘the other side’ now and to get used to how uncomfortable that is. It’s about two people who have previously disagreed on many things finding things in common, getting to know one another, and forging a relationship. It’s exceptional character work and it always brings me to tears.

The ending is beautifully understated in the best of ways. It leaves the situation resolved but open ended. Kira has done her duty, chosen her side and she’s very unhappy with it. Mullibok is being forced to leave and we are left to think about his potential fate. It was the only real route that the episode could have taken satisfactorily and it leaves you with a bittersweet taste in your mouth and much to think about. John Debney’s music is gorgeous and I love how the kiln is used as a metaphor for Mullibok’s tenure on the moon and it’s destruction marks his departure.

Worst moment – The action sequence (tussle?) in the middle of the episode is necessary for how things play out but its almost a shame that the script has to resort to any kind of violence. It does such a good job of proving how riveting a sedate drama can be.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Ever notice how nobody is ever walking on the upper level of the Promenade in the first season? That’s because it hasn’t been properly built yet.

A reason to watch this episode again – What strikes me as a great strength about DS9 is that it can impress when it is juggling Empires at war and it can also shine when stripping everything right back and telling a powerful story about two people in a room (Duet, Waltz) as long as the characters involved are exciting enough. Progress is early DS9 and so it is almost deliberately ponderous but it uses its time so effectively to build a relationship between Kira and Mullibok and to reflect upon Kira’s newfound role as oppressor rather than fighter. It’s one of my favourites from the first two seasons because it has a raw honesty about it that is hard not to love and the performances are all so strong. When the producers of DS9 said they wanted to instil some conflict and ethical drama into the franchise this was exactly the sort of thing they were talking about. At this point this was Nana Visitor’s best but that wouldn’t even last the season and Brian Keith gives one of the brightest guest star turns of the first year (both of these would be superseded by Duet). Proof that you can put away the technobabble, torpedoes and phasers and still tell powerful Star Trek. This is precisely why I adore the franchise because at its best it can touch your soul with some profound character work. I don’t care if giving this episode full marks is controversial or not, it’s simply (not simple) great television.

***** out of *****

Clue for tomorrow's episode: 

TOS – Bread and Circuses

Plot – The teaser goes out of its way to remind the audience about five times that this is a planet that is just like the Earth, so much so that you could tell that we were about to indulge in some grand educational exercise in how humanity behaved before it was civilised in this time. Given the amount of parallel Earth’s out there that evolved a specie much like humanity that has the equivalent of Earth’s history you might wonder if some ambitious bombshell is due to be dropped like that of TNG’s The Chase about why the humanoid species is the dominant one in the universe. Perhaps worlds are pre-programmed to follow the same patterns and make the same mistakes?

It’s a world where Rome never fell and we get to witness the oppressive regime that would have developed if that had been the case. The notion of slavery evolving into an institution is an interesting one and whilst I find the concept of this parallel Earth a little hard to swallow I was impressed with the amount of detail that went into the world building. What’s better; a society built on slavery that minimises conflict or a world of free men that has been through three bloody world wars?

Kirk suggests that one of the most important rules of his business is to not interfere in the affairs of others, a statement that is so blatantly false and goes against the ethos of the Original Series that I am surprised he could keep a straight face.

Character – The question is asked if Spock and McCoy are enemies or not and Kirk answers that he isn’t sure if they are sure themselves but we all know the truth underneath all that banter and insult. Their dialogue has salvaged many a TOS episode because it is usually where the writers allow themselves to be at their most challenging.

Captain Merrick is sparks interest because he has turned his back on his oath to Starfleet and has become heavily involved with the affairs on this planet. He has a position and power and sent his men who refused to go along with his wishes into the arena. He’s a despot and a traitor and it’s always interesting to cosy up to men like that and see what makes them tick.

Is it true that Spock is afraid that his human half might peek out one day? Is that why he is happy to face death? This is pretty probing stuff between him and McCoy, with the good Doctor seemingly trying to provoke an emotional response from his compatriot.

Performance – ‘I’m trying to thank you, you pointed eared hobgoblin!’ is a line delivered so perfectly by DeForest Kelly I burst out laughing and couldn’t stop.

Production – Spock, Kirk and McCoy beam down to what in the business of reviewing science fiction we call ‘the Doctor Who quarry.’ But since this is supposed to be a planet that is remarkably similar to Earth there is no reason why they shouldn’t land in a gravel pit.

I was extremely impressed with the direction throughout and it made me sit up and pay attention quite a few times and not in the usual TOS ‘oh god was that considered acceptable in the 60’s’ kind of way. The location work is expertly handled and Serensky gives the setting a sense of scale by using some effective long shots and there is one moment where worshipping the sun is mentioned and is immediately and arrestingly followed up with a low angle shot featuring the sun beating down punishingly on one of the cast.

The entire episode might be worth watching just for the shocking image of a Roman legionnaire flaunting a machine gun.

It is a shame that the stunt doubles are quite so obvious because the fight sequences in the ‘arena’ are very competently achieved. Hand to hand combat sequences on TOS are tenapenny but this is a chance to showcase something a bit different to the usual frolicking on the Enterprise sets. Spock proves to be quite adept with a sword and I appreciate the Foley work of the clashing steel and how quick cut and dynamic these sequences were.

Best moment – That glorious moment where we are offered a sneak peek of TOS behind the scenes because the planet itself is obsesses with self-publication for ratings purposes and so creates a mock Roman set and backdrop to film the gladiatorial games against. Appealing to the masses was TOS’ greatest problem, execs who were obsessed with numbers over creating quality television and so this is a pleasing commentary on what was happening at the time. With Gene Roddenberry co-writing this script, it feels like a personal attack. Canned laughter, audience participation and a commentary, we get to see just how the magic of television is brought to life. ‘If you bring this Network’s ratings down and we’ll do a special on you!’

Worst moment – ‘You could hardly claim to be an Angel with those pointed ears, Mr Spock’ is the most overt racist comment I think I have heard anyone utter on Star Trek. I don’t know how McCoy gets away with it. He claims that he is a man of peace but with inflammatory comments like that in his repertoire I’m not surprised that McCoy isn’t a part of the diplomatic quorum.

Kirk’s method of gaining trust is to ask the people pointing weapons at them that what he has said is the truth and if they don’t believe him then they should kill him. Given one of their captors is clearly trigger happy and highly doubtful about their arrival I question whether that is the safest approach.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Thank goodness Kirk’s escape from the cell is immediately foiled because they signpost what they are going to try and do to the guards so perceptibly it’s painful to watch.

The finale scene is provoking because it suggests that Christianity is coming for this Roman Empire and will civilise them. Everybody is smiling about the idea. Let’s not forget the long list of slaughter that came with Christianity and everything that followed. The arrogance of Kirk saying ‘hohoho’ they are going to turn into us all over again because we’re so superior’ is enough to make you grab a sick bucket. I was ready to be angry as they skip away from the planet and we never know how they end up and they dodge that bullet…by throwing a spear into my gut. I don’t like the implications here; I don’t like them one bit. To suggest that humanity has reached some kind of moral zenith with our heroes and that they can look down upon the affairs of this planet as something brutal and undisciplined makes my blood boil. They only reason that they should be considered the superior species is because they say so.

A reason to watch this episode again – An odd premise and an uneven episode, albeit one that is executed with a great deal of panache. I found Bread and Circuses watchable because it gets all the essential TOS ingredients right (Spock and McCoy are at each other’s throats, Kirk gets the girl, action sequences aplenty) and it essentially serves as comfort viewing that way. Gene’s Roddenberry and Coon prick at the surface of this society and let some fascinating ideas bleed through but ultimately the premise of another Earth like planet with another human race with human history is a little too hard to swallow. It’s perfectly competent and you might find much to enjoy here but it is in no way striving as much as it thinks it is. I do wonder how novel it would feel if Scotty, Uhura and Chekov had beamed down instead of Kirk, Spock and McCoy. These facsimile Earth episodes might have a little more innovation if the forgotten crewmembers were given the spotlight. The ending is especially slight – once the setting has been milked for all its visual irrationality – the crew is beamed away in an effortless manoeuvre by Mister Scott and our heroes can all go on their merry way laughing about those primitive Roman-inspired barbarians. A shame because the episode dared to make a comment that perhaps this was a more civilised society and with a little more guts might have delved deeper into that notion and made some provocative conclusions. Ultimately it wants to be a fun episode of Star Trek but I can see the potential for it to be more.

*** out of *****

Clue for tomorrow's episode:

ENT – Rajiin

Plot – Interestingly the ‘last time on Enterprise’ is absent which means if you are coming to this episode cold you might be in a lot of trouble. People mocked the ‘previously on Star Trek Deep Space Nine’ but it certainly caught the viewer up with all the pertinent facts before the hour played out. Why that was dropped here baffles me because I have so many questions. How are all the aliens gathered around the table and why are they creating a weapon to destroy the Earth? What is their relationship to one another? Why is Archer suffering from scabby lesions?

Performance – With the weight of the world literally on his shoulders, Bakula now has an excuse to play Archer as a funless Ambassador. Go and watch The Captains documentary on Netflix to see just what a delightful, unassuming man Bakula is. He is working overtime to make Archer as joyless as he can possibly be. What a shame because he could potentially be the most likable Captain of them all, rather than the least, which he turns out to be. At this stage of the season there is no real reason for Archer to be quite this gravel-faced, he is because that’s the approach the writers and directors seem to have taken with his characters following the terror attack on Earth. A terror attack occurs on DS9 in The Changing Face of Evil and Sisko treats it with the appropriate gravity it deserves but later in the episode he is still charming his wife with flowers and rings. ‘You seem very memorable to me’ is one of Archer’s chat up lines. No wonder he is so frustrated when he works the romance scene with that level of sophistication.

Production – What I really appreciate about the Xindi arc (which appears for one season is promptly dropped the next) is not only Enterprise’s dedication to serialisation but also the many varied types of aliens that appear in this year. It is push away from all the typical races in the franchise (I’m not saying focusing on them is a bad thing but it is a lot easier than creating new races). I particularly enjoyed the Insectoids and the Aquatics (who on earth has the imagination to think up these names?) because they were a chance to do something ambitious with CGI. Because their appearances are spread across the season it looks like some real effort has gone into creating them in detail. Does the cost of the CGI then get amortised across the year because this is love level (of the time) CGI compared to some of the cartoonish work elsewhere. The CGI of the settlement that Enterprise visits is a good example of this – it is striving in its outlook (a collection of barges on an ocean planet working together as a thriving market community) – but it does look a little unfinished.

The more I listen to it, the more ill judged the Russell Watson theme song becomes. Who were they trying to appeal to with this saccharine melody? Star Trek themes have always been either suggesting great excitement in travelling the stars (TOS, TNG) or the majesty of working out amongst so many worlds (DS9, VOY) but Enterprise goes for the ‘we’re having a relationship with the stars and it’s turning out okay’ approach as if the ship and the stars having been flirting with one another for many years and now they have finally settled into a comfortable and mature relationship. It suggests romance in conquering space, rather than exploration. Which might be okay (having that theme song will never be okay) if that was the tone that the show took but the first two seasons are mostly insipid and bureaucratic. There’s nothing amorous about this show at all to warrant being stuck with such an idealistic song.

Best moment – Thank God the Reptilians turn up at the climax to provide the show with a little action because if it had ended with Rajiin just scuttling off after getting the Enterprise crew all hot under the collar I would have been mightily disappointed. As it is this the easy way out but at least it features some explosions and guns. One thing that definitely improved on Enterprise in the third season was the action content and execution and this is a terrific example of that, and nowhere near the best of the year.

Worst moment – Ooh sexy, a woman who can reveal what is tucked away under your skin as she seduces you. I wonder how many horny teens were turned right off by the sight of spines and organs when Raijin seduces Archer.

There’s a horribly ill-judged sequence featuring T’Pol being seduced and then attacked. In one of the rare sequences of exposed lesbianism on Star Trek and it quickly develops into what looks like rape and needs to be rescued by a man. Now there’s a healthy message to promote. Even the usually reliable Mike Vejar has no clue how to stage this. It comes across incredibly inelegantly.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Why is it always male sleazebags offering female company in these kinds of shows? Enterprise tends to buck the trend with that sort of thing and exploit the sexual promise of its male stars far more than its female ones and so it might have been more interesting to have featured a female pimp offering out the services of scantily clad men. It would have been even more welcome had just one of the Enterprise crew shown an interest. It was far too early in television for that sort of thing, but that would have made the choices more bold. The Hoshi/Rajiin and T’Pol/Rajiin scenes is a gesture towards lesbianism but it strikes me that that is all the show is willing to make at this point, a gesture. Again, this would have been far more controversial had Rajiin been a man seducing men.

A reason to watch this episode again – You can feel the gears turning and cogs whirring to force Enterprise into serialisation but it isn’t quite willing to commit to that yet. Rajiin is a fine episode of Enterprise when it is wandering through a new region of space and it adds scenes to tie it into the larger season but essentially this is still another Trek standalone featuring an exotic and alluring alien temptress. What keeps the interest levels above water isn’t the plight of the Rajiin but the solid execution of this episode by Mike Vejar who is trying to push the show into more exotic waters. Unlike visiting alien worlds the type we have seen a million times over on the other shows, this feels like a fresh and vibrant location. What perturbs me in an episode that is supposedly packed full of sex appeal and romance is how Enterprise feels like it is attending a funeral at this point in its life. This might have been high sex and passion all the way but like so much of Enterprise it feels apologetic for getting its hands dirty. Rajiin is at an awkward halfway stage between the lacklustre efforts of season two and the more dynamic instalments of season three.

**1/2 out of *****

VOY – Macrocosm

Plot – One the oddest and most pantomimic openings to an episode of Star Trek ever, Neelix is covering up for a first contact blunder that Janeway made insulting a species who communicate by gesturing empathically by putting her hands on her hips. I’m not sure that it is either funny or clever but it certainly gets things off on a memorable note. The Tak Tak turning up at the climax to add an extra layer of excitement is undermined by the alien’s bizarre spirit fingers whilst threatening the ship.

Essentially by the time Janeway comes back on board the Doctor has already developed a cure to the macro virus and so the episode merely filling in the blanks before the solution can be put in place. It all comes down to Janeway as Ripley with her antigen bomb. Yes, the script boils down to that level of simplicity.

What the hell happened to Neelix anyway?

Character – Ambassador Neelix? Can you imagine promoting this guy to such an exalted position? First contact with a new species and this over ripe and excitable hedgehog shows up to shove your own culture down your throat.

Performance – Interestingly the chemistry between Mulgrew and Phillips works very well in the first scene where they are just sitting around and chatting but later when they are playing action heroes it lacks any spark. But then Neelix, having been vomited on by the macrovirus, is essentially a dead weight. Mulgrew is phenomenal throughout but she is essentially lifting this episode (which is a dead weight) as high as she can through her sheer talent. She manages to get it to about her knees.

Production – Alexander Singer seems to be the go-to director for ship-based action stories (Gambit, The Adversary, Starship Down) because he seems to understand where to position the camera in any given room to suggest a sense of scale and dynamism to the action. He gets to show off so much of the Voyager sets here as Janeway dashes from one area to another to fight the alien menace and Singer gets the most out of the multitude of sets he has to work with. In an episode this thinly written, the director sure has to pick up the slack.

There is one moment where Neelix is lit from below and is clearly the most terrifying thing in the whole episode.

Best moment – The flashback to how the macrovirus came aboard turns out to be far more interesting than exploring the after effects. Perhaps this should have been a more linear script, with half detailing the flashback in more detail and the second half seeing Janeway return to the deserted ship.

Worst moment – What is it with Voyager and it’s CGI monsters? Species 8472 and the Slimers from Equinox were similarly unconvincing. Singer does a wonderful job in convincing you there is something nasty roaming the ship with the skin crawling sound effect of flies buzzing nearby. Just that and some shadows would have been enough to create some real tension. Or maybe just showing the scenes from the creatures POV would have been more effective. Instead we get to see the macrovirus in full cartoon glory and it just pops the balloon of tension immediately. It’s unbelievably fake looking, especially when Janeway has to grapple with one.

Who thought that setting the macrovirus on the Hawaii holodeck programme was a good idea? It’s another example of attempted humour that bombs spectacularly. It often feels like Voyager is trying very hard to be funny…when the best shows (TNG is particularly good at this) are just naturally amusing. It often comes down to the cast involved.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Let’s get this out of the way straight away so I can get on with talking about something less obvious and more interesting – a lot of Voyager episodes are pale imitations of stronger TNG ones and Macrocosm is probably the ultimate example. As this is a ship bound show there are bound to be similarities but by having the same writers that brought TNG to life transferring to Voyager (can you imagine if Ron Moore had transferred to this show from the off…it would be a very different Voyager) they took the same ideas along with them. This is part Starship Mine (in which Picard strips down and protects the ship with a big gun as Janeway does here) and part Genesis (in which Picard and Data return to the Enterprise to find it deserted and horrors roaming the ship just as Janeway and Neelix do here with the bugs). It is a shame when there is the potential to do anything at all in a region of space that we know nothing about that the writers should fall back on familiar plots and old tropes.

At the end of the episode Voyager sails on its merry way with jazz music playing in the background…almost as if to highlight how insignificant this whole exercise has been.

A reason to watch this episode again – Essentially a horror story which is lacking a formidable foe, Macrocosm is one of the thinnest episodes of Voyager because it can essentially be summed up as ‘Janeway and her gun.’ Jeri Taylor was actually quoted as saying ‘The story is basically Janeway as Rambo.’ If you enjoy watching Kate Mulgrew stalking about the ship in a vest then this might just be the episode for you. Me? I prefer something a little more significant. The CGI bugs are a huge let-down after all the reasonable build of atmosphere, especially when horror movies over time have shown so many techniques for creating effective spooks and monsters. Alexander Singer should have looked to Alfred Hitchcock for inspiration. The script leans on clichés more often than not and Mulgrew is in the thankless position of trying to make them feel fresh and exciting. Macrocosm works to a point but after the kind-of exciting flashback to what happened on Voyager you are basically watching a lot of wandering and shooting and not much else. Brannon Braga’s original intention was to do a cinematic episode entirely without dialogue and purely with action and I can only imagine how much better that would have been.

**1/2 out of *****

Clue for tomorrow's episode: 

ENT – Unexpected

Plot – I rather like how Unexpected begins with Star Trek being utterly exploitative to one of its male crewmembers. The franchise has been taking advantage of women for the past (almost) 50 years and so it is long past time that it took hold of a guy, stripped him naked and put him in an unexpectedly abusive scenario. Archer starts floating around the shower, almost showing off everything he has to offer and my interest is piqued from the word go. However, as a segue way into the episode I am about to watch it is entirely defunct because it tells me nothing about the hour of television I am about to watch. Except that it is going to take hold of its male characters and put them in silly and embarrassing situations.

Enterprise is a brand-new ship and it is having teething problems and so the show is going out of its way to show that during the first steps out into space the ship is experiencing some difficulties. This is a time before the Universal translator and Hoshi works double quick to try and understand the languages of the races that they meet. Getting from one ship to another is a whole exercise rather than taking the journey for granted such as in other Trek shows. All this is a fresh new look at space travel from the point of view of the pioneers.

After the complexity of DS9’s overarching narrative and the multifaceted nature of the better Voyager episodes, the first season of Enterprise is feels basically plotted and plods from plot point to plot point with very little in the way of the nuanced characterisation I expect from the previous Trek shows. As a result, these early episodes feel like a massive step back. This episode goes first contact – male pregnancy – Klingons. There’s no real overlap between these three things and the tone shifts alarmingly between the three. It was going to take more accomplished writers than this to pull of this material with the confidence to make it bearable.

Character – T’Pol is as cold as ice at this point and far from approachable. She’s the typical Enterprise Vulcan, distant and aloof. There isn’t much that Blalock can do with such a stiffly written character since there is no manoeuvrability for humour or charm at this point. Imagine a solid sheet of ice was carved into a beautiful woman and that is what you are getting from T’Pol at this point.

Phlox aside, the male characters on Enterprise seem to be pleasant but insipid. Archer is still a little too stubborn for his own good but he is essentially written as trying to be liked, Trip plays the gullible first-time space farer a little too well, Mayweather lacks any personality bar a cute smile and Reed is entirely characterised by his profession at this point. They are all (for the most part) pretty and all entirely beige. I could not find a reason here why any of them should be fronting a Star Trek show (as opposed to Spock, Picard, O’Brien or Paris who (love them or hate them) each have highly distinctive and vivid personalities from the get go.

Production – It takes a lot more than tilting a camera and talking in slow motion to suggest an alien environment. I appreciate the effort but it really is the least amount of effort the director could have gone to to suggest a discordant atmosphere. An unusual misstep from Mike Vejar.

Worst moment – Four episodes in an equivalent holodeck is presented. How predictable. Berman and Braga are supposed to be pushing away from all the tropes that held Voyager back and watching them lean on habits this early is very unsatisfactory.

All the obvious jokes that you could imagine from a male pregnancy episode crop up. Trip grows nipples, T’Pol chides his lack of self-control with new aliens, he is hormonal, overly emotional and paranoid, he goes through the dilemma of figuring how he is going to be a working mother, forced to wear maternity wear, he cries unexpectedly and everybody is laughing in their hands at his condition. It’s so amateurish and bizarre to watch that I felt uncomfortable rather than amused.

I wish they hadn’t done that – With a show that has the budget and the resources that Enterprise clearly does was it necessary to resort to a bottle show this early in its run? It feels like the show was paying for the fact that it had an expensive looking opener for some time with a fair few episodes set entirely on the ship after Broken Bow. Whilst this does give us a chance to get to know some of the crew more intimately (although I would suggest that this time was not used anywhere near as effectively as it was on the sisters shows during this time), it has the adverse effect of making Enterprise feel unambitious and lacking in resources, which it most definitely is not.

A reason to watch this episode again – The first ten minutes of Unexpected is going out of its way to explore a brand-new method of space travel to other Trek shows where nothing is taken for granted. All of that material that shows difficulties with gravity, communication and first contact, is very useful. However, from the point where Tucker is essentially raped and it is treated like a situation for laughs (I couldn’t imagine how this would play out if it was a female member of the crew) and I was in for another Berman & Braga cesspit of clumsiness. Get these two away from the typewriters already! It’s mostly thanks to Connor Trinner’s gentle performance as Tucker that manages to prevent this from sinking completely. Whilst Trip isn’t written with any particular skill (he’s so green) Trineer delivers the character with a healthy dose of wide-eyed charisma. The male pregnancy angle is about as hideous as you might imagine and for once you can understand why all the other Trek shows rejected such an obvious and unamusing premise. Coming out of the gate, Enterprise could really do without an episode this moronic. Just because I want to do unspeakable things to Trip and the camera loves him in this episode does not give Unexpected a pass. My brain is not in my underwear, thank goodness.

*1/2 out of *****

Clue for tomorrow's episode: 

Spinvasion written by John Dorney and directed Barnaby Edwards

What’s it about: Donna and Nat have been stolen – along with the TARDIS - and they find themselves crash-landing on an alien world. On the planet Valdacki a very successful invasion is already underway. And it’s one that has the very best PR.

Tempestuous Temp: The fact that she is being addressed as Doctor Donna Noble is a constant reminder of her ultimate fate. Donna is very quick with her pop culture references and it is refreshing for somebody to tell her they have absolutely no idea what she is talking about. She wonders where on Earth the Doctor is and if he is trying to rescue her from this predicament he is taking his sweet time. How hard can it be flying the TARDIS? I was watching this scene through my fingers. She’s smart enough to know that when walking out of the TARDIS, it isn’t usually safe. Donna is smart enough to check the radiation readings. Donna has trawled online enough to know exactly what it is like to get swept up in the latest craze or trend. She understands immediately what is going on – these people have been invaded and thanks to some stunning PR they are being convinced that it is for their own good. And she isn’t having any of that. Donna becomes a revolutionary by playing the PR company at their own game. The thing this bunch of insurrectionists have been getting wrong is what Donna understands perfectly; you can’t fight lies with facts. You have to tell even bigger lies. And if anyone is good at driving up hype through overexaggerating, it’s Donna. Proving she has learnt from the best, Donna refuses to take credit for the uprising and the freedom of the slaves. She just brought down the PR machine, the rest they did for themselves. She considers herself a wanderer, a traveller, a righter of wrongs.

Sidechick: Through Nat, we can see just how well Donna has adjusted to life in space. Where she is a newbie at all this, Donna strides through it all without breaking a sweat and remaining completely non-judgemental about alien life. Nat insists that they cannot stop an invasion on their own…and Donna, taught by the best, refutes that. Nat proves astonishingly adept at the whole PR game, able to construct notions that could be sewn into society to smooth other political rough edges. Because Nat has a heart she is identified as an Anti-Invasion Activist and she can spot Donna’s anti-propaganda propaganda a mile off.

Standout Performance: Heightened performances across the board in what is essentially a farce but it is a credit to all of the actors that the entire cast felt authentic to me.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Skegness, is that another planet?’ ‘Some days it feels like that, yeah.’
Apparently driving the TARDIS is ‘not like slipping down the shops for a Take a Break.’
‘People don’t tend to mind who dies…as long as it isn’t them.’
‘The reaction on social media to the culling is amazing. Disapproval ratings are plummeting!’ ‘That’s because people are dying. There are fewer of them to disapprove.’
‘It’s amazing how quickly a rebellion can start when nobody is twisting the facts.’

Great Ideas: The idea that any company can try and put a positive spin on a bloody massacre so that it ‘works out well for you, me and, well, all of us’ shows exactly what sort of people we are working with here. As a perfectly naive member of the public who is fed even worse data in order smokescreen mistakes (or worse, good news stories that we want to hear even more), I am not used to thinking like a PR giant who needs to cover up all kinds of atrocities in order for life to continue with people content. But of course, those wheels are spinning all the time. Donna is rubbing shoulders with the real enemy of society here, those who would convince the public to look at something wholly evil in a positive way. Dorney offers a brilliant backstory for how things have gotten quite so out of control with the PR (or should that be in control with the PR) because the company saw that in a post-apocalyptic world that their services might not be necessary to the victims and so they reached out to the invaders and offered a way for them to keep control of the survivors. It’s completely ridiculous and entirely logical. The Kanton just walked in and were welcomed with open arms, thanks to a stunning public relations company. When half the planet needs to be executed because there isn’t much use for the labour force, it is the job of the PR company to convince those remaining that it was for their own good. Seriously, this is corporate greed at its most insidious. The solution? Make it seem like the less desirable people have died! Imagine celebrating the anniversary of Invasion Day with a special treat of extra hours in the factory?

Audio Landscape: I especially like the sound effects in the news broadcasts that manage to highlight the ‘facts’ that are being released that make the comment less blunt and more amusing.

Standout Scene: In a brilliant moment of realisation, Donna understands that the people of this world have been so indoctrinated by the propaganda machine that they are enslaved willingly and have nothing to stop them being restrained…they have been convinced that their slavery is good for them. It’s conceptually one of the most horrific scenes Big Finish have ever put out and it’s played for laughs. This story is quite unique. ‘This is the good life!’

Result: ‘There’s nothing sexy about a massacre!’ I remember when John Dorney burst onto the scene with Solitaire and quickly made his mark on the main range with a phenomenally meta and smart tale that studied the responsibility of writers to their characters. Here he has an equally thought provoking and comedic concept at the heart of his tale: invasion by PR. Can you successfully maintain control of a planet by putting out a convincing media presence that spreads the idea that an invasion has been a positive experience? Just when you think that Doctor Who has exhausted all possibilities for handling an invasion a writer like Dorney comes along and turns the whole thing on its head and lets you look at it in a completely different way. Let’s be honest, the writer has the entirety of the printed newspaper, online gossip, political machinations and promises and social media manipulation to trawl through to see just how the ebb and flow of a populace can be controlled by introducing memes and moods. It’s a brilliant idea, ripe for vicious commentary and hilarious jokes and I had a great time with this. I could imagine an entire television show being built around an idea like this, albeit darker and more insidious. This is essentially what RTD was going for in The Long Game; control by media, but that had to adhere to being a Doctor Who episode and thus included a ruddy great monster and guest star villain of the week. Having Donna loose in the universe means the rules have changed this boxset can embrace absurdity and play by its own rules. As if we needed the confirmation (Turn Left did that very nicely) but the first two stories of this set have proven that Donna more than has the chops to take the narrative reins without the Doctor present and do her own thing and it still be brilliant. Catherine Tate is phenomenal and she is great support from Niky Wardley but truly the entire case guest should be praised here. This is an invasion that Donna is custom made to topple. Not even the Doctor could top her mouth or her gift for over exaggeration when it gets going. I mean it as a huge compliment when I say that this is exactly the sort of Doctor Who that Douglas Adams would be writing in this day and age and/or it feels like a bloody good episode of The Orville: 9/10