Mindwarp written by Philip Martin and directed by Ron Jones

The story in a nutshell: Visiting the sherbet dip planet, the Doctor and Peri both go out of their minds as horrid turd slug Sil licks some serious ass and the Time Lords kill everybody to protect their secrets. Doctor Who is finally on acid.

Dark Doctor: Oddly enough even in his darkest hour there are still loads of charming for the sixth Doctor in this story, showing how far we have come since The Twin Dilemma. He is piercingly and irrefutably told to shut up and stop being so naughty in the courtroom. 'Who else is there?' is his response to being asked why they should interfere. One thing that ran through his time on the show was the sixth Doctor’s expressive enthusiasm of machinery. Bask in his foot stomping hilarity when he loses his temper with the Valeyard. As soon as the Doctor realises what Crozier’s machine is for he tries to dismantle it, a defiant moral reaction. Colin Baker tries to summon the humour of his name sake by acting as though he has had one two many down the pub but these moments of giddy delirium where the Doctor has gone out of his mind are my least favourite of his, the only time I feel he was an embarrassment in the role (thank goodness it is contained to a couple of scenes in part six). His betrayal of Peri is played so broadly it feels very wrong, like he is a twinkling panto villain and enjoying his companions fear. You have to feel sorry for our Doctor (in the courtroom) trying to defend such damning evidence against his character. ‘I see my own interests. I put myself first!’ – you would have thought the Valeyard would be a little subtler in his character assassination than that. His quiet ‘Is Peri dead?’ at the beginning of part eight is quietly played and deadly serious. He describes Peri as ‘fliberty giberty…hopeless!’ and admits that he has enough feelings for her not to want to see her experimented on. I suppose that is some progress from The Twin Dilemma where he tried to throttle her. Look at his face when the guard captain gives him his weapon to cover Ycarnos, I always crack up at that bit. ‘We haven’t got time for you to go courting!’ - definitely my Doctor back. The last scene is possibly the Doctor’s darkest moment in this incarnation and Colin Baker is extraordinary; the Doctor’s reaction to Peri’s death is grief stricken, speechless, furious.

Busty Babe: I’ve got a secret confession to make, I really like Peri. I know she whinges on a bit but unlike Tegan she feels like a real person to me, a stroppy little madam with a privileged upbringing who is whisked off into a universe of horrors and excitement where every over despot they encounter wants to nibble on her bangers. Peri works for me because Nicola Bryant gives her some real pathos and humour and because she shares wonderful chemistry with both of her Doctors (but particularly with Colin Baker which has only been honed over the years in her audio adventure with Big Finish - they are a formidable team these days). I’ll probably be shot down for this but I actually prefer Peri to Ace because her dialogue is more realistic (anybody's dialogue is more realistic than Ace's) and you don’t expect that much of her so she often quietly surprises you whereas Ace was introduced as an amazing not Mel (there is no greater way to describe her) who was often drearily melodramatic and nowhere near as hip as she pretended to be. Peri is often forgotten amongst the wealth of companions but quietly she is one of my favourites and this is a superb final showing for her character.

‘Far out!’ She emerges from the TARDIS terrified that she might clash with whatever lives in a pink sea. Peri is getting on extremely well with the Doctor these days and there is lots of subtle touching and warmth between them. ‘Dirty old warlord!’ She sometimes wishes the Doctor never left Gallifrey, not (my God she’s even cracking jokes, what has happened to her?). ‘I think it just winked at Peri’ ‘Oh cheek!’ ‘There’s no accounting for alien taste…’ – seriously how well do these two work in this first episode? A sign that Peri has grown up she tells the Doctor she wants out of this adventure in a very adult fashion. How marvellous is it to find someone who thinks Peri is revoltingly ugly for a change? Throughout Peri and Ycarnos’ relationship is massively watchable, they bicker like an old married couple  but with much affection for each other. He calls her Perpeguilliam of the Brown and she she has to keep him and his aide from tearing each others throats out. Returning the favour from Vengeance on Varos, Peri attempts to murder Sil. If what we see is to be believed than Peri’s last words to the Doctor are an insult at what a disgusting person he has become. What a sad way to end their time together (although she does still try and save his life). I love the scene where Ycarnos and Dorff have a bitch fight over Peri, she certainly gives as good as she gets. If it is true and Peri and Ycarnos wound up married to each other there is nothing in this story that contradicts that possibility. Her stupidest ever line: ‘Nobody likes brain alteration!’ The scenes in the cell between Peri and Ycarnos are beautifully played and very sweet, Peri wants to go back to her own time and be around people she loves. Nicola Bryant goes out in real style, giving a very disturbing performance as Mentor Kiv and proving at the 11th hour what a versatile actress she is.

Slimy Snake: Whilst he made an instant impression in Vengeance on Varos it was clear that the make up needed a little perfecting. That has been done and the final effect in Mindwarp is seamless, you can't really tell what is is costume and what is make up.  Every line out of Nabil Shaban’s mouth is a little gem and I have endlessly quoted lines from this and Vengeance to unsuspecting friends over the years (‘Money! Moneymonamonamonamoney!’). He’s such a fantastic suck up that if you are looking for ways to lick up to your boss simply watch this story, copy and paste (‘Long may that day be postponed, great Kiv!’). Sil is purely a comic creation these days (he was somewhat more sinister in his debut) but who cares when he lights up the story so much whenever he appears. The one thing that remains consistent is how thrilled he is at watching Peri being tortured. He finds it extremely useful to have a Time Lord in his employ, helping him to pick and choose which companies to finance and get the greatest return on. He sulks like a petulant child when things don't go his way. It really upsets me that to this day we never learn what happened to the poor old slug. Big Finish have come to the rescue there with the lost story Mission to Magnus being dramatised (seriously give it a listen, it is a camp classic!) and a fourth adventure is in the pipeline early in 2014. I can't wait. He's the best original creation of the sixth Doctor's era by a country mile.

Sparkling Lines: This is an extremely witty script…
‘Then where will you be, hmm? Dead! No worse than that…poor!’
‘Unless you want to add your own despair to the sea of sorrows…’
‘Half my fortune if you give me a five minute start!’
‘I’ll scout ahead!’ ‘We’ll all scout ahead!’
‘Die well, my lady.’
‘His name is Dorff and you are scum!’
‘What is more important, my well being or your wealth?’ ‘A trick question magnificence…’
‘And so they took it upon themselves to act like second rate Gods!’
‘You…killed Peri.’

The Good Stuff: I have always had a love/hate relationship with Mindwarp, finding that with each successive viewing my opinion shifts dramatically. Frankly I have never known quite what to think about this story and I think Mindwarp quite likes it that way. Half the time it can't make up its mind what is the truth or not. However today I think I have finally made up my mind…with a few caveats.

Any story that can open with a model shot that good and music that moody can’t be all-bad. It might be my favourite musical score in the classic series’ run, go and listen to the haunting music as we approach Thoros-Beta. Irritatingly, it seems to be the only soundtrack from the classic series that isn't available as an isolated score. Th surface of Thoros Beta might make your eyes bleed but it is still the most dazzlingly psycadelic alien world ever seen in Doctor Who. People tend to forget how good JNT’s stories can look and the image of the TARDIS materialising in an electric pink sea with the ringed planets dominating the sky remains unforgettably innovative. The dialogue might be perfunctory but there is some real talent in that courtroom between the actors (Jayston, Bellingham and Baker) of making it dramatic. How dark and under lit is this story? Coupled with a moody score, twisted themes and some uncomfortably bold direction and the overall effect is electrifying in parts. Brian Blessed! Christopher Ryan! Nabil Shaban! What an impressive cast! Blessed in particular puts a smile on my face from his first appearance to his last, so bold and brash (and yet capable of great moments of subtlety) that he can even blow Colin Baker off the screen. The Lukoser manages to go from being frightening to sympathetic in the same introductory scene, that is some confident shifting of tone. The first episode is practically plotless but proves to be one punch the air moment between Peri and the Doctor after another. When Ycarnos starts smashing up Crozier's laboratory, he rushes to protect the pulsating brain. The sets this week are genuinely impressive; future tech that looks like future tech and not an embarrassing tinfoil wrapped vision of the future, strobe lights capturing the action in sudden flashes, mist rolling through the caves…it really feels as though Peri has fallen down the rabbit hole into a sick, twisted Hell. Peri chained to the rock is really nasty, especially that first sudden cut to the waves slashing at her body. Giggling Sil coming into focus from Kiv’s POV always makes me chuckle, Mindwarp can cut from the horrific to the childish in a heartbeat. ‘RETREAT? I AM KING YCARNOS OF THE KRONTEP!’ – man Ycarnos rules. Why couldn’t this cuddly bear have been a companion? Imagine him and the sixth Doctor rattling about the universe? They would have to give out ear plugs wherever they visited. He certainly would have livened up season twenty-four (‘You’re obsessed with dying Ycarnos, I don’t know what’s wrong with you…’). The end of part three feels extremely dramatic, odd considering we have seen a hundred cliff-hangers of this nature before that left me shrugging my shoulders. Ycarnos is capable of moments of surprising gentleness and depth amongst all the entertaining bellowing, making his character one to watch. The atmosphere in the last episode is stifling; it really feels like the hand of fate is closing around Peri, even more so than it did with Adric in Earthshock. The ancient ‘wizened one’  is a lovely character (‘Thank you’ ‘For your life it was nothing’ ‘No...for not shouting.’). Brian Blessed really underplays his reaction to Dorff’s death and it isn’t sentimental in the slightest and thus extremely poignant. The Doctor being taken out of time is one of those wonderful 'oh shit' moments when you suddenly realise that he isn't going to be able to sort this one out. There were plenty of times when this happened with the fifth Doctor but his replacement has been so hands and it has never happened to him before. His enrage importance in the courtroom shows how he is desperate to get back there and get his hands dirty. The revelation that Crozier can offer immortality frightens the Time Lords in a way that forces their hand in order to protect their secrets. It is another example of their interference this season (we haven't yet learnt of their hand in the Ravalox affair). All these examples are stacking up to make the Doctor's violent condemnation of his own people in The Ultimate Foe really impact.  Sil’s ‘I wish you could have found a more attractive one’ is perfectly timed. Is this one of the most dramatic denouements in Doctor Who? I was left breathless at the twists and turns and especially at Peri's grisly fate.

The Bad Stuff: The first scene continually points to The Mysterious Planet for answers, bringing up plot points and in jokes which aren't relevant to this story. It works if you take this as a 12-part story but if you are only dipping into the series it is completely alienating. Can you imagine anything more 80’s than the Doctor and Peri walking across a garishly luminous beach in garish luminous clothes? What is Martha’s dad doing on Thoros Beta? Peri’s scenes with Matrona are so outregously camp they move somewhere beyond  movie – that can pretty much be levelled at the whole of episode two actually. Peri’s butch ‘Yes my Lord’ might be a new nadir of the Colin Baker era. As good as Mindwarp is in place, it descends into moments of head shaking embarrassment on occasion. The dance of the Alphan slaves is hilarious. Tuza is a wooden character being brought to life by a wooden performer.

The Shallow Bit: What’s the verdict on Peri’s grown up look with permed hair and clothes that cover her skin? The end of part one looks as though Colin Baker is masturbating. Not a good look for the show.

Result: One of the most impressive casts gets to play about in Philip Martin’s menacing and playful script. Mindwarp has a really wobbly second episode (which in isolation really doesn't add anything to the development to the story and could happily be cut out with relatively few alterations to other episodes) but after that things just get darker and more twisted and climax on one of the most dramatic last episodes of Doctor Who ever. The mixture of humour and horror reminds me of Rob Shearman’s work, it's uncomfortable but enjoyably so (if you are as twisted as I am). Mindwarp is also a visual treat with sets, effects, lighting and music all exceeding the already pretty high average of eighties Who. Peri is given a remarkably good send off, in this story she is  funny, commanding, mouthy, sweet and her fate is breathtakingly climatic. Nicola Bryant has always been game but she throws herself into this with everything she has. Her one scene as Kiv is gob-smacking. I’m not going to pretend that Mindwarp is a Doctor Who masterpiece, there are some woefully embarrassing moments that cannot be ignored but taken as a whole it is dark and delicious, funny and eccentric, unpredictable and entertaining. An unforgettable ending to an underrated tale, this has been one of my greatest surprises during my marathon re-watch: 8/10

Merry Christmas

Hi there guys,

I hope you all have an amazing Christmas and see it in in great style. Matt Smith is leaving us and Peter Capaldi is joining us, it is a truly great time to be a Doctor Who fan. It's a great time for me personally too as have just this week been offered a fantastic job of the sort I have always been aiming for and there will be some exciting, challenging and rewarding times ahead. As well as all this it's an amazing time for the blog which is about to have its one millionth review read on Christmas Eve. Without your support I never would have reached this landmark so thank you so much for reading and giving your feedback, you guys are the best. Merry Christmas to all of you at home...

Big hugs,

Joe

The Mysterious Planet written by Robert Holmes and directed by Nicholas Mallet

This story in a nutshell: Why has the Earth been blown two light years of course and renamed Ravalox?

Aristocratic Adventurer: My favourite story for Colin Baker’s sixth Doctor. It’s a brilliant re-invention of the character by Robert Holmes, practically a rendition of the comic strip Doctor who was far more cute and approachable than the acidic example of season 22. People say that the Trial idea was ill judged but as a chance to examine the sixth Doctor and make judgement it was ideal and the irony is that although the fans had fallen in love with him by the end of the season (or by the end of this story probably), it was he who was blamed for the shows deficiencies. A real shame. But I refuse to wrap up this introduction to the best characterisation my favourite Doctor on a negative note. He is travelling alone at the beginning of the story, dragged off course and totally wrong footed by events. He’s scathing about the Time Lords which is always good for a laugh. He’s impatient, petulant (‘NOT GUILTY!’) and arrogant (‘I AM LORD PRESIDENT OF GALLIFREY!’) which should make him thoroughly unlikeable but it is played in such a childish, innocent manner you can't help but love him as he throws his toys out of the pram on public display. I love the scene where he tries to comfort Peri, heartbroken at the loss of her planet but he does it in exactly the kind of serene alien way that Baker wanted to play the role from the beginning. The Doctor cannot walk away from a mystery and he has to have answers. His scenes with Balazar sparkle with wit and humour. Always likes to do the unexpected because it keeps people on their toes. ‘Never believe what is said, only what you know’ is just one of his pearls of wisdom this season. I loved his affronted reaction to having his teddy bear taken from his pocket, stuffing away petulantly. He taunts Drathro hilariously (‘You’re obviously a robot used to getting his own way!’) and never misses a chance to have a dig. Does the Doctor corrupt events wherever he goes? Look at the childish look he gives the Valeyard when he gets one up on him; I bet the kids loved that. ‘That’s where the money is!’, ‘How do you put up with him?’ – its one winning line after another. He does a pantomime ‘whoops!’ once he is caught escaping which is pure Troughton. The Doctor finds physical violence distressing…especially when he is on the receiving end of it. ‘These are not my friends!’ he says of Glitz and Dibber and then grabs Peri. He softly calls out for Sarah Jane and as soon as he realises it is Peri he starts barking orders. He cannot let people die if there is a chance of saving them. The Doctor’s furious, childish rant in the courtroom is one of Colin Baker’s finest scenes in his televised adventures; full of moral outrage, butting heads against bureaucracy and criticising Time Lord impotence – he’s radiantly good. Wow, the Doctor trying to convince Drathro to save his slaves at the cost of his life reaffirms his morals and beliefs in a beautiful way. Holmes has tapped into a softer side of the sixth Doctor and it's gorgeous. Good with intelligent reasoning and bad with low cunning. ‘I did my best, I only hope its enough’ sums up the Doctor perfectly. Rather than shouting at Peri he cuddles her. Not many people can claim that they have saved the entire universe. Although I am willing to bet he will mention it a few times.

Busty Babe: Another great use of Peri, I am starting to wonder if I underestimated the writers of her time as, apart from the occasional moment of outrageous sexism, I have enjoyed her character and her rapport with both Doctors greatly. She goes on an astonishing journey in her first three stories alone; introduced to the Doctor's insane lifestyle, having him sacrifice his life for her and then finding herself trapped with an unstable and unlikable replacement. Nicola Bryant is always served the best material but she does her best with it and there are several moments in every story where she shines (the only story where you would be hard pressed to find anything of worth for her is Timelash). Peri holds the Doctor’s arm as they enter the story, their gentle affection is wonderful and long overdue and it makes perfect sense to have had these two travelling for years and getting along famously now. Peri’s reaction to the devastated Earth is probably her most natural material, real effort has gone into making this as poignant as possible. ‘Such women as we have must be shared’ – poor Peri blanches at the idea of being supplied to many husbands. She makes a great gag about infidelity. It's nice to see Peri branching off and having her own adventures, both here and in Mindwarp, and she forms good chemistry with Glitz and condemns him for his mass murdering schemes. ‘Now they’ve killed the Immortal she’s planning a takeover’ – there’s a really blatant accent slip there. It's great how the Doctor and Peri practically talk in short hand when the chips are down and how Peri asks the very natural question ‘oh great so that’s why we’re going in, is it?’ about walking into danger. She convinces Merdeen to leave Drathro’s slaves alive. Confident and funny, she's great fun to be around these days.

Sparkling Dialogue: One of my most quoted stories…it's one humdinger of a line after another.
‘Amazing the effect a long bang can have on a primitive mind.’
‘Planets come and go, stars perish, matter coalesces, reforms into other patterns, other worlds. Nothing can be eternal.’
‘I’m sure my conscience will prick a little but where money is concerned it doesn’t usually last long.’
‘Be silent, fat one!’
‘I have read it in the flames many times! We go…forward!’
‘We should be free…’
‘Immature? I was on Ravalox trying to avert a catastrophe! The Deaths of several hundred innocent people. Surely not even in the eyes of Time Lords can that be deemed either immature or a crime!’
‘Don’t try and think about it Dibber, you’ll give yourself a hernia.’
‘Everything in life has its purpose Drathro. Every creature plays its part. But the purpose of life is too big to knowable, a million computers couldn’t solve that one.’

The Good Stuff: A jaw dropping opening sequence; a dizzying, detailed, atmospheric and vertiginous piece of model work of the sort of quality we are simply not used to on Doctor Who (and the score that accompanies it is wonderfully funereal). I like it when we head off to an unusual location and the autumnal, foggy, barren woodland carpeted with leaves very much looks the part or a devasted Earth making a fine recovery. Glitz and Dibber go down like a fine wine, it’s a witty Holmesian double act that comment on the action abusively. The truth of where the Doctor and Peri is is brought home suddenly with the authentic looking escalator set, a genuinely impressive piece of design work. The Earth has been devastated, blown off course, a war of primitives against technology – Holmes sure knows how to dream up a potent scenario. Micheal Jayston, Lynda Bellingham, Tony Selby, Joan Simms and Tom Chadbon…the Trial stories boast the most incredible casts, as many big names as you would find in a Poirot drama now. Drathro is a towering, multi limbed and jointed robot and is every bit as menacing as the Giant Robot wasn’t, he’s a fearsome piece of design. Look at how much effort has gone into making the primitive settlement work (the design, costumes, the mixture of elderly citizens and children and scenes of them cultivating the land…that’s a lot of background effort that we don’t always see in Doctor Who stories). The books of knowledge are a great running gag, especially the Doctor’s reaction to UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose by HM Stationary Office. Glitz’s scenes just get better and better (‘D’you think an old hag like you can bring me down?’). The L1 can be laughed at but it is far better than the last attempt at this sort of thing in Terminus (plus I love it's mock Jaws theme). I love the hunt through the leaf blown woods, it's such an awesome location to choose, lots of ducking in and out of the trees – when I first watched this story I just wanted to head out into the woods and get chased about. The gentle rivalry between Merdeen and Grell is nicely played, especially the latters death and the formers grief stricken reaction. Bleeping the evidence and setting up mysteries and revelations for later on is much more accepted in the arc driven seasons of today and the unsolved mysteries are nicely mentioned by the Doctor at the end of the story. If people think waiting a handful of stories for answers is stretching it, I guess they never imagined the patience straining plotting of Moffat era that introduced elements in The Eleventh Hour that still haven't been solved. The last episode is one priceless moment after another for the sixth Doctor. I love Dibbers style; when the going the going gets tough, he blasts a buggering great hole in the wall! The sizzling, smoking Drathro looks excellent, a molten metal man. I’m glad Holmes lets Glitz and Dibber get to clean up on this job and have a tasty little kitty for the next venture…lets hope it's soon. At first you might think the Valeyard might be taking the wrong approach by showing a story that boasts a heroic Doctor but this is just softening up material, lulling him into a false sense of security before condemning him with Mindwarp!

The Bad Stuff: The subway sets are over lit and plastic, a sharp contrast to the shadowy, foggy locations elsewhere. It’s easy to mock the yellow boiler suits. I am still uncertain about the Trial season version of theme tune. When I hear it now it reminds me of his Big Finish adventures because they have rather monopolised the theme (and as such it does get me excited because Sixie's audio adventures are by far my favourite). However as a piece of music it is perhaps a little to subtle for me. Can a trial transform into a witch hunt that easily? Humker and Tandrell are wittily scripted but should have been brought to life by a less wooden pair of actors. The Doctor has faced far more impressive dangers than that at the end of episode two and hasn't felt the need to make such grand statements. One thing that often gets me cross about the ratings is how people use them to defend stories they like and damn stories they don’t. The Mysterious Planet has one of the lowest ratings of the entire series but then so does The War Games and Ghost Light are yet they are praised on their own merits. Whereas stories such as Underworld and The Power of Kroll are blessed with individual episodes that reach 11/12 million and we all know how thrilling they are. It’s all nonsense of course, the show would always recover (as it does this season into something a lot more respectable) but there is no doubting that the hiatus has had a huge impact on the reputation of the show, the overall average this season down by about two million viewers. It’s fortunate that the dialogue sparkles so brightly because the story runs on the spot in episode three before rallying for a great final episode.

The Shallow Bit: The thoughts I used to have about Dibber when I was younger were obscene. It's not often you get a cute bit of rough like this in Doctor Who.  How embarrassing, the Doctor looks as though he is humping the L1 at one point. Drathro holds up the secrets like a dainty new handbag!

Result: Another seriously underrated eighties story, The Mysterious Planet features some of Robert Holmes wittiest dialogue and he gives all his characters some wonderful moments. A lot of people use this story as a example of how ill Holmes was and how his work suffered as a result but I just cannot see that there is a noticable drop between this and the majority of his other work on the show. The script is imaginative, fun, adventurous and packed with lively characters and set pieces. Nick Mallet’s direction is lighter than anything we have seen since Black Orchid but it lets the actors and the design work charm us throughout. Give the man a hand, Colin Baker has never been better in televised Who and the sixth Doctor as seen here is the Doctor at his peak. With an incredible cast, some lovely autumnal location work and lots of lovely ideas zipping about it's another story I find a joy to re-watch. The Trial of a Time Lord is regularly knocked because it's fashionable to do so but when you break it down there is far more here to enjoy than there is to dislike. Give it another chance and let the great gags and warm script wash over you: 8/10

Timelash written by Glen McCoy and directed by Pennant Roberts

This story in a nutshell: How can you sum up Timelash in a nutshell? H.G Wells, invisible Time Lords, disfigured Walrus creatures, burnt out androids, sequels to adventures never seen before and Paul Darrow hamming it up outrageously.

Aristocratic Adventurer: It’s easy to mock the overdone characterisation of the sixth Doctor in this story but amongst the dreck there are still some (scant) gems to be found. Colin Baker is trying his best to find something in the melodramatic drivel he is given to say…although at times the material is so bad he just surrenders to it. His ‘bad…bad…BAD!’ confirms all your suspicions that he is a shrieking bully and he needs to tone it down a bit. I prefer it when he is quiet and contemplative such as his wistful reminiscence about the Andromeda galaxy. He says that it is so difficult to recruit good staff these days throwing a disdainful look at Peri and suggests that he has little mercy for time meddlers. He and Herbert share some fun chemistry, the scene where he discovers him in the TARDIS always makes me chuckle. I've said this in practically every episode of the season but the Doctor has fun chemistry with plenty of male one off guest stars this season and it is a shame that he never got to travel with a male companion of his own. I think that really would have worked and helped to soften him up a little. This Doctor is about as powerful as a burnt out android.  Looks like the sixth Doctor has developed exactly the same sort of lame swearing as the ‘ham fisted bun vendor’ third Doctor and ‘spack off!’ fourth Doctor – his latest attempt is ‘microcephallic apostate’ (one day he will just say ‘you fucking twat'). That is one ugly drawing of Jon Pertwee. Strange how you forget how you used to look…that’s because you never used to look like that. Mind you, you can just imagine the dictatorial third Doctor lecturing Magellan on his unethical experiments, can’t you? I love the moment when Herbert tells the Doctor not to worry about him and he gives him a pained look and says ‘I’m not.’ You have to love this guys confidence, in the face of Tekker holding a gun in his face he dismisses him with ‘do shut up and go away.’ He is responsible for Tekker's death in a round about sort of way but he did warn him not to fire. Watch the Doctor’s amazing growing hair as he rushes into the TARDIS in episode two to stop the missile…it grows about three inches between scenes (you can really tell this padding was filmed later). I love him picking up the struggling Peri and throwing her out of the TARDIS. It is an example of the hysterical chemistry between them really working. Putting the TARDIS between the missile and Karfel is incredibly dangerous and reckless, but might save an entire planet. What you have in Timelash is an exhausted actor (torn between this and panto) trying to salvage something from a retarded script. The fact that he manages at all is something of a minor miracle but this is still the weakest story for the characterization of the sixth Doctor and even this isn't that bad. He's still memorable, at least.

Busty Babe: Ouch, how did this characterisation of Peri ever get off of the drawing board? Eric Saward says on the documentary that Peri was one of the better companions they had but they could never find anything for her to do. Why not? As script editor I would have ripped up this script and started all over again. This doesn’t hark back to sixties misogyny, Doctor Who has never been this sexist before. Peri is dragged around by a collar, treated as a sex object, salivated over and  forced to scream continually in the face of the monsters. It’s unforgivably bad. In episode two she is released from her manacles and just stands there screaming like an idiot until a man comes in with a flaming torch and rescues her. Nicola Bryant manages to salvage a few moments. When the Doctor threatens to take her home she jumps in immediately to stop him which reveals that she does enjoy travelling with him to a point. Her botany is brought up again (it's mentioned in The Mark of the Rani, Timelash, Revelation of the Daleks and The Mysterious Planet) which is nice although she does look like a plum sticking her tongue out at the poisonous plants. Easily Peri’s weakest story, you can’t help but feel sorry for Nicola Bryant – mind you with her best three stories coming up she's in for a wealth of strong material before she departs.

Sparkling Dialogue: In general the dialogue is horrendous so it really surprises you when a gem comes along:
‘Time for another election…’
‘Maybe spirits from the other world might find fishing a little mundane.’
‘The waves of time wash us all clean…’

The Good Stuff: There’s an early sequence between Mekros and the Maylin in the darkened power distribution room, which might (almost) convince you that this story could amount to something (they are the best actors in the guest cast). The silky voiced Borad hidden behind his chair reveals that Doctor Who gets something very right no matter how bad the story. Paul Darrow is so insanely over the top that you can’t fail to adore him as Tekker ('It’s called treason and he is the traitor!’). I like the sudden cut to 1885, something the show didn't do enough back then (a sudden switch in location halfway through the story but is an expert at these days). Herbert is hopelessly wet and yet he’s rather sweet and certainly more likable than Peri in this story. His attempted exorcism of the Doctor provides a good laugh. I rather like a bumbling fool, it is the same sort of humour that made Xander so appealing in early Buffy. Tekker luring Mekron to the inner sanctum with promises of promotion only to blame him for all their problems is laugh out loud funny. Only Paul Darrow could play that quite as deliciously, revelling in his characters naughtiness. It's hopelessly lost in the execution but HG Wells finding inspiration in this adventure to write The Time Machine and The Invisible Man is an idea that really appeals. ‘The most luminous force in this part of the galaxy!’ – Tekker needed his own spin off series. The make up for the Borad is so good it’s shocking that a story this inept can get something so right.

The Bad Stuff: Come on own up…who on Earth designed that android with a blue face and blond hair (and musical footsteps)? Jeananne Crowley has appeared in dramas as good as Educating Rita and Tenko so why does she choose to play Vena as a monosyllabic robot – I thought she was one at first. The first scene in the Council Chamber (a bare room with a few stools, these Karfelons really enjoy the minimalist look) is pure exposition (‘Our old allies the Bandrils!’, somebody exclaims and mentions ‘all 500 of us?’ when it comes to the immediate danger to the city populace) and unmasks the inexperience of the writer. The Timelash itself might just be the most embarrassingly designed piece of sophisticated technological equipment that Doctor Who ever coughed up - rustling with deadly tinsel and constructed out of cardboard hexagonal rods. The Doctor and Peri riding the time tunnel is horribly farcical and in no way amusing, it’ll leave you scrambling for the remote if somebody remotely normal who wouldn’t think to watch this nonsense walks into the room. If their dancing in seatbelts wasn't bad enough, Roberts chooses to treat Baker and Bryant's voices so they sound like excitable mice. Why did the android steal Peri’s St Christopher? Did he have a taste in primitive Earth religion? I don’t mind the Bandril design, we’ve seen far worse puppets before and since in the show but why did they give them such camp voices – it's like attack of the Smurfs! Why does that random person walk into the room and give Peri the cryptic note? It feels like this being made up on the hoof. Where is the script editor? Was he performing a JNT pantomime as well? Peri declares that Karfel ‘lacks sparkle’. Are you kidding me? It's one of the dullest, barest planets we have ever visited and fancy taking a visitor on a tour of those boring corridors as though it is one of the tourist spots. Someone had a bright idea to add seams of minerals to the underground rock faces except in reality it looks like someone has attacked the polystyrene with crayon. The Morlox look genuinely awful, like a grinning grey turd on a stick. Why doesn’t Peri run from it when she clearly has space to get away and the creature cannot move beyond it's limited swivel space on the end of its stick – that is probably the worst example of the rushed direction of this story. The most useless bunch of rebels (and Dicken Ashworth sounds really bored) we have had the misfortune to watch revolt. Not one of them has a shade of character as far as I can see. The terrible plotting continues as the rebels are attacked because Peri dropped her note. Yeah, you heard me correctly...she dropped the note. That's desperation for you. The Doctor invents a brand new eighties craze; it’s called the android mirror dance. Give it a try and we might get it to catch on in the clubs. The Doctor dangling from the Timelash might have sounded good on paper but the design is so bad it and the direction so lacking in tension or magic that you might feel as though this is is the pantomime and that they are going to stage the TV story Timelash at the end of Eastbourne pier.. Doctor Who has rarely looked this cheap. Some dialogue should never be uttered and the following examples qualify: ‘Unpleasant journey!’, ‘He’s dangling on the edge of oblivion!’ and ‘Don’t tell me you’ve got a fat female Morlox with a slinky walk?’ Was Saward aiming for b-movie Who when he let these lines through? The Bandril ship looks like a flying hair dryer and comes with its own disco beat (optional extra). ‘You’ve tricked me!’ screams the Borad, hardly you twat, for once the Doctor told the villain precisely what would happen if he didn't behave himself. The hastily scripted TARDIS scenes are quite fun but clearly padding. You're watching Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant struggle to fill time nonsensically. How many climaxes can one story have? The Borad is the Loch Ness Monster? Again a clever idea but it only works if he is a full Morlox, which he isn't. How disappointing it would be if a half man/half Morlox stumbled out of the Loch screaming 'he tricked me!' Hardly the stuff of great myths. I cannot believe they had the nerve to have the Doctor say ‘I’ll explain later, it’s a neat trick’ about surviving the missile explosion. I don't really like to say that writing is lazy because it is a tough profession but there are quite a few times in Timelash where that accusation could unhappily be levelled.

Result: Surely it cannot be a co-incidence that the two worst directed eighties stories were helmed by the same man and without all the excuses of Warriors of the Deep (lack of time, an election in the wings, a monster that wasn't ready to go, etc) I can only conclude that Pennant Roberts is not a very good action adventure director. Timelash is more enjoyable than Warriors simply because it doesn't’t take itself at all seriously (whereas watching a sniffy piece of drama fall to pieces is tragic) and with its wealth of faults stacking up over the two episodes it becomes a frothy, useless b-movie slice of Doctor Who. It's rare for so many things to go wrong with a production; turgid direction, appalling performances, crass dialogue, dull music, cheap design, childish plotting and insulting sexism that you simply have to let it wash over you and bask in its ineptitude. Redeeming features are Herbert who is quite likable and Tekker who makes me howl with laughter every time he opens his mouth. Timelash doesn’t quite reach the enjoyment of other comically incompetent Doctor Who's (The Chase and Time and the Rani are my gems in that category) but it is far more enjoyable than it has any right to be given its slew of faults: 5/10

Paris trip - 'Bye Bye, Duggan!'

Simon and I went to Paris for a Christmas break and whilst it was just magical on it's own terms (especially the Christmas market that stretched the length of the Champs de Lysses), it was even more enjoyable to scout out the various City of Death locations! I could be heard singing Dudley's Paris theme whilst enjoying the sights!

The Two Doctors written by Robert Holmes and directed by Peter Moffatt

This story in a nutshell: The Doctor’s nearly become cannibals and their companions are both almost eaten! Robert Holmes is trying to tell us something methinks…

Aristocratic Adventurer: I always remember Terrance Dicks mentioning that Robert Holmes always wrote in moments of charm for Jon Pertwee’s screamingly serious third Doctor that softened his character and added some much needed humour. He achieves exactly the same thing with the sixth Doctor in The Two Doctors who was suffering from a tumultuous reputation at this point. Throughout this story he manages to be witty, clever, insulting and wonderful fun to be around. If you were not convinced at the beginning of the story, then he has fully emerged as the Doctor by the end. His delightful interaction with his former self sells his status as the latest to carry the torch. What’s the use of a good quotation if you can’t change it? Isn’t it lovely to see the Doctor and Peri chilling out for a change having a lazy afternoon fishing (and barking at each other, naturally). He suffers a mind lock with his former self when he is being tortured (does that mean all his previous incarnations experience a moment of pain as well as the memory bounces down from one to the other to reach the sixth). Once he gets a scent of a mystery he cannot leave. I love his arrogance mouthing off to the stations computer and then scoffing at its attempts to kill them. This really is a Doctor that you would want on side in a barney. He affectionately strokes Peri’s face after she faints. I can't imagine anything more essentially Doctor-ish than using bits of old wire in improvised escape plans. How does he breathe when he closes his respiratory passages? With difficulty! Notice how he is a lot softer with Jamie than he is with Peri (I like to think it is because he remembers their previous rapport but the truth is he is probably muted because the Highlander would more than likely deck him if he treated him to the same abuse). Poetic melancholy is how he responds to the end of the universe, a far cry from how the fifth Doctor would(n't) have reacted. There are real moments of lunatic eccentricity (‘Something to do with getting my haircut!’). He puts Peri down in the funniest of ways (‘Small though it is the human brain is quite effective when used properly!’). Once they arrive in Spain he strips out of that ridiculous coat and looks gorgeous in his colourful waistcoat. He’s interested in everything! The Doctor is rubbish at subterfuge, hanging off windows and tiptoeing about; he would make a terrible spy. He gets a kiss from Anita (for a second he is dumbfounded) and Jamie doesn’t (and he is gagging for it). Even though he is tricking Stike it was some very quick thinking to feed Jamie lies without acknowledging the presence of the Sontaran. Poor sod, he is chained up, slashed with a knife and stalked through the Spanish hills by a cannibal wielding a samurai sword. All in a days work. I cannot be the only person that thinks the Doctor murdering Shockeye with cyanide is a good thing? He tried to eat Peri and Jamie! Finishing off a nourishing story the Doctor considers the theme of the story and decides to turn vegetarian. Colin Baker is a delight in The Two Doctors, here is a man playing his dream role and loving every second of it. I just can't resist him.

Oh My Giddy Aunt: How fabulous is it to have Troughton back for the length of a six parter? He lights up any story whenever he appears. It warms my heart to think that he got to have this much fun with the part so soon before his death and he realised how much he was still loved by his fans. The sixth and second Doctors are my favourites so sticking them together charms me before the story even begins. Setting this story where he does Robert Holmes irreverently pisses off the whole of fandom by screwing up the end of The War Games and creates fan theories to explain his causal mentioning of the Time Lords. It's a hilarious finger in the eye for conformists. The Doctor tirades against the Time Lords continually trying to control his life. Think of the commotion if the scientists at Camera knew he had arrived, naturally they would all be scrabbling around after his autograph. I love how he oils the console! Jamie is not for sale, more’s the pity. He’s a bit of an exile these days. Not as progressive as you might believe and his diplomatic skills consist of behaving petulantly, insulting and childish. Nobody sulks quite like Troughton. He reacts very dramatically to the news of Jamie’s death, bless him. ‘Oh my giddy aunt! Oh crumbs!’ – this might be something of a parody of the character Troughton played but who cares, he is sublime in his last performance. The Doctor suggests a Sontaran should resign and take a pension. I love how he winds up Stike; he presses his buttons brilliantly and gets a slap around the chops for his trouble. He’s witty in the face of his own death (‘Doing the job on the cheap are you?’). Troughton’s eye rolling Androgum Doctor is irresistible; he has great fun strolling about Spain with John Stratton mentioning mouth-watering grub. ‘Some of us have these little privileges!’

Busty Babe: I always thought Peri was a little grumpy and nervous in this story but upon watching I was quite impressed at the amount of fun Holmes manages to have with her. Bryant and Baker were often given abrasive material to play but they share superb chemistry and when given sparkling lines they work magic together. ‘Perhaps you should see a Doctor?’ - nice one Peri! Sometimes she makes amazingly shrewd remarks. Poor Peri is half-frozen, asphyxiated, forced to clamber through miles of pipe and savaged by horny and deranged Highlander. Don’t get this American babe angry, she knees Jamie in the nuts and then gropes the Doctor. It’s great that it is Peri’s suspicious mind that conjures up the idea of the Sontarans trying to set the Time Lords up. Her reaction to the end of the universe taking centuries is hilarious (and the Doctor’s reaction to her even more so). Proving that she is learning (albeit slowly) Peri grips the console when the Doctor announces he is landing. She’s only good for causing a distraction and Shockeye describes her as a ‘fine, fleshy beast!' Shockeye gets as far as holding a huge shearing knife to her throat and to top that off she gets a jug of water in the face! Peri talks about tourists eating paella and chips as though from experience; I bet she had plenty of holidays when she was younger, the spoilt brat. Nicola Bryant trying to salvage something poignant from Oscar's death scene is hilariously funny, she's acting her heart out whilst he hams up his final breath. I love how well she slips in with the second Doctor and Jamie, it's like they have always been together.

Scots Babe: All Jamie has to do is stand in the background and admire the Doctor’s diplomatic skill! Hines and Troughton slip back into their old magic routine with effortless ease. It's like they have never been away. He is described as having soft white skin whispering of succulence. I wouldn't argue with that. Deranged with extreme fear at seeing the Doctor put to death, he attacks Peri. Although I think that is just his excuse to get his leg over. He thinks Peri’s Doctor is worse than his (many would agree but not me). The randy old sod finally gets a smacker…with Peri!

Sparkling Dialogue: I could happily recount the entire script since this is one story that is sold by its dialogue. Simon and I quote this story more than any other, its one that both a Doctor Who addict and a non-fan enjoy with equal relish. Go figure.
‘You give a monkey control of its environment and it’ll fill the world with bananas!’ which is a great line but made even funnier when we see Peri chomping on one later in the story.
‘You have more letters after your name than anyone I know. Enough for two alphabets.’
‘Christopher Columbus…he had a lot to answer for!’ he says looking at Peri...
‘Like a star on my dressing room door it becomes conspicuous by its absence!’
‘Eternal blackness. No more sunsets. No more Gumblejacks. Nevermore a butterfly.’
‘I don’t speak Spanish!’ ‘That’s alright, neither do they’ ‘But what if a Sontaran answers the door?’ – this is gold! Simon adores that scene.
‘Have you ever eaten a Sontaran?’ ‘Certainly not!’ ‘No, nor have I. They always seem so tough and tasteless.’
‘But I remember a dish…Shepherds Pie!’
‘Do you serve humans here?’
‘That is a 20 Narg note! You can change that anywhere in the nine planets!’
‘This is the part where I always say you can tell a butcher from a botcher!’
‘The time continuum should be big enough for both of us…just.’

The Good Stuff: There’s a wonderful moment of nostalgia as we open on the second Doctor and Jamie in black and white. Shockeye’s kitchen is a wonderful set strewn with carcases and huge cooking pots. John Stratton gives one of the best guest performances in the shows entire run, he says every line with sensual relish, making each one disturbing and very funny at the same time. Dastari’s study is another great set, huge gorgeous globes and plants tarting up the usual stock sci-fi sets. The Saward era continues to expose the hypocrisy of the Time Lords; he had a rant in Attack about their meddling, met two renegades in Mark of the Rani, their interference in other peoples time travel experiments is exposed here and we finally uncover their depths of deception in Trial of a Time Lord. The era plays as a perfect explanation as to why they had to go in the new series. It’s nice to keep the Sontarans off-screen during their invasion to maintain the mystery. Servalan in Doctor Who is another of my wishes come true and whilst Jackie Pearce is phoning it in for the most part, she did that for the majority of her run in Blake's 7 and was still fabulous. It’s great to return to a location we have already seen but for it to be given new emphasis because of the attack. Why didn't Doctor Who do this sort of thing more often? It's a startlingly atmospheric and cheap. I love the realisation of the computer turning the station into a death trap. Setting the Time Lords up to take the blame for the attack is a fantastic idea, I wish we could have seen that followed through with some sort of consequence (for the Sontarans or the Time Lords). The Dona Arana’s theme is gorgeous. Murdering and eating an old blind woman, those Androgums really are savages. The designs continue to impress as we head down into the service ducting, endless scaffolding that is atmospherically lit, highlighting the actors in blood red silhouettes. Oscar and Anita are the most superfluous of characters, a theatrical restaurateur and his dark eyed naiad but in the hands of Holmes they are such fun to be with that any objections are moot. For once the Sontarans are important characters instead of stock heavies and Holmes is perhaps the only writer who has the right to take the piss out of their comic one-track-mindness as much as he does. I will never forget the first time Simon watched The Two Doctors and the moment when Shockeye bit into the rat sent him into a gag reflex! It is horribly macabre and very funny (especially when he holds the creature up with a giant bite mark carved out of its side!). 'Smoke salted...it might just be tolerable.' A simple mention of memory affecting drugs clears up all of our logic gaps in one foul swoop, I like how Holmes bothers to concoct a reason to explain how the earlier Doctor doesn't remember events in the same way Baker, Martin and Dicks failed to do in previous multi-Doctor celebrations. If the Sontarans acquired time travel technology they could head back into pivotal moments in their war with the Rutans and turn all of their defeats into victories. The stakes are high if they succeed. Stike’s blazing eyed reaction to being called a coward is a memorable scene. Both cliffhangers are great but the end of part two wins out because Shockeye is such a savage piece of work and having him leer down the camera at the audience is shiversome. Jamie always was protective of his best friend and Stike gets a dirk in the knee for lying to the Doctor and to affect their escape. The first meeting between the Doctors is worth waiting for, its pure (‘SNAP!’) magic. It soon becomes the Seville Massacre when Cheseneye and Stike turn on each other but then it's a Saward script edited story so of course the majority of the guest cast have to be exterminated. Love the Sontaran theme, it's especially dramatic during their death scene. Comically childish and viciously savage, the Androgums are one of the most frightening humanoid races in Doctor Who. Stike’s death takes place in three, equally undignified, hilarious stages. Step One – he is burnt by acid. Step Two – he is electrified by the module. Step Three – he is blown to pieces by his spaceship. The final (chokingly funny) indignity is when Shockeye holds up his bloody stump of a leg which is so far beyond tasteless it’s hilarious. Turning the Doctor into an Androgum might feel like Bob Holmes has run out of things to do but it mixes the two themes of this story, the loss of identity and animal savagery in brilliantly comic fashion. The Andalucian location work is bleached in glorious sunshine and features a wonderfully furious Spanish guitar score courtesy of Peter Howell. If Holmes knew how much Oscar's death was going to upset fandom I am sure he would have pushed it even further. I find it screamingly funny, shot through with jet black humour ('dissatisfied customers usually just don't leave a tip.'). Cheseneye lapping up the Doctor’s blood isn't just there to gross you out (it is one of the few times Doctor Who manages that feat) but also demonstrates Holmes’ theme of fighting your nature perfectly. Tenderising the meat and breaking up the fatty tissues is such an inspired way for Jamie to be tortured. Suddenly we’re in Texas Chainsaw Massacre territory as Shockeye draws his huge Samurai sword and hunts the Doctor’s through the dusky hills – this story is beautifully iconoclastic, it features the weirdest of juxtapositions (the horror of Shockeye and the beauty of the landscape) that make it utterly unique.With five corpses littering the hacienda lets hope that Peri called in Torchwood Spain. ‘That’s the point, its not in two places at the same time. My TARDIS is at least five minutes walk from here!’ – Holmes is such a tease. 

The Bad Stuff: Colin Baker’s harness is very obvious at the end of part one. Similarly, Oscar’s blood pouch is very apparent.

The Shallow Bit: Peri just loves having her best friends on display, doesn’t she? They are squeezed together and smooshed throughout the story with hormonal glee. Jamie finally gets his leg over. ‘A young one with a good proportion of meat to the bone’  Shockeye squeezes Peri cleavage together like cookie dough at the beginning of part three. ‘There’s some juiceful meat on this one alright!’ – Jamie’s equipment gets a mention.

Result: I love The Two Doctors with a passion bordering on insanity so please feel free to skip this one if you don't. People bemoan Peter Moffatt’s direction saying that the story lacks pace but have you read the script? This is not supposed to be a dynamic piece, it’s written as a piece of theatre with character interaction and fabulous dialogue triumphing over action. It's a televisual matinee with the added bonus of delicious visuals. Don’t watch The Two Doctors if you want a fast paced action romp (and it was the norm at the time so I am not surprised that people were a bit bewildered by this) but if you are in the mood for rich performances, a fruity script, sumptuous design and sunny locations then this is a real treat. Holmes’ script is brilliantly subversive, exploring the themes of identity and animal savagery with intelligence, blackly comic touches and witty loquaciousness. Everyone is running around in the sun having a great time, chewing on their lines and having a blast in each other’s company and their chemistry glows on screen. You could dismiss the whole piece and say that it is slow paced and the direction misses the mark on the occasion but that would nitpicking and ignoring a wealth of treasures within. I've listed plenty of examples above of why I adore this adventure so much but there is just as much again that I have failed to include (in fear of testing your patience to the limit). Probably the most pleasurable story to watch in the classic series last ten years, at least for me: 10/10

Vengeance on Varos written by Philip Martin and directed by Ron Jones

This story in a nutshell: ‘Blindness, torture…executions?’

Theatrical Traveller: We have soon settled down with the Doctor and Peri and she is poking fun at his accident proneness and inability to get anything right. We’ve had three electrical fires, a total power failiure and a near collision with a storm of asteroids, he’s also got lost in the TARDIS corridors twice, wiped the memory of the flight computer and jettisoned three quarters of the storage hold! He even managed to burn dinner last night! But then he has never said he was perfect (teehee). Again I find it very interesting that when Colin Baker’s Doctor throws a paddy his detractors (I always point to Paul Cornell simply because his works are always the most forceful when comparing the character to previous Doctors but there have been other, dismissive commentators) get into a fanboy tizzy and yet when Tom Baker is furious and moody (Pyramids of Mars, Horror of Fang Rock) it is the height of fashion. The Doctor childishly sulks in a chair when the TARDIS runs out of energy but as soon as Peri rouses him from his slumber he cheekily tells her not to give up hope! I was very pleased to see him picking up on Peri’s Americanisms and once again stroking his little cat badge for luck. He can’t quite bring himself to admit that the TARDIS will work ‘like new’ when she is fed a little Zyton-7 so instead plumps for ‘like she was…’ The sixth Doctor leaves a laser on that kills a guard and all of fandom starts balling their eyes out…the eight/ninth Doctor (delete as applicable) wipes out millions of people on Gallifrey and nobody bats an eyelid. Edit: This apparently was not the case post Day of the Doctor but it certainly appeared to be so from Rose-The Name of the Doctor. Also he wiped out the whole of Skaro in Remembrance of the Daleks and all and sundry seemed to think that was the height of chic and the show returning to form. Go figure. He’s a man of action, sabotaging the cameras, taking a commanding lead role by forcing his friends to confront their fears of the giant fly and walking into danger with unthinking relish. Colin Baker plays the virtual desert scenes for real and he really convinces that he is genuinely dying. The look on his face is haunting when he stops breathing. So much has been said about the acid bath scene it almost seems churlish to try and defend it. Having just watched it I will say at no point does the Doctor try and push anybody in – the first guy falls in accidentally and the second guy gets pull in by his bloodied up mate and I hate to say it but I love the callousness of the gag as the Doctor walks away. It's called Doctor Who not Doctrine Who and I could recount many times in the past when the Doctor has quipped at people who have been hurt (‘He’s having a little lie down’ after he clobbers the slaver in The Reign of Terror, ‘I’m afraid he couldn’t make it’ about the unconscious Master left behind in The Five Doctors, ‘The Root – One, Dalek – Nil’, etc, etc). He’s quite playful with Quillam until he realises Peri is in real danger. He walks to his execution quite happily knowing that it will be a fake. Baker brings a real sense of gravity when he condemns the government of Varos and how they are being exploited by Galatron; it’s the sort of scene that you can only imagine the powerfully moralistic incarnations of the Doctor getting away with (Hartnell, Pertwee and Colin Baker really). I love how the Doctor strokes Peri’s face and hair as he tries to get her to reassert her memories, these tender moments make a mockery of their fighting and show where their true feelings lie. Whilst there are other, awesome examples of the sixth Doctor as he gradually softens throughout his reign, this is the best example of the violent, unpredictable sixth Doctor that is recovering from his regeneration. He brings an acidic touch to the role, much wit and resource and yet still manages to be quite gentle and caring. It's a beguiling contradiction.

Busty Babe: I love the interaction between the Doctor and Peri in this story, she seems to be there to remind him of his (many) mistakes and to try and convince him not to give up when he has a strop. I wish there had been more moments like the quirky scene where the Doctor and Peri pop their heads around the corner to chat with Maldak. There is something very real about Peri being slapped hard around the face that is more worrying than the threats and torture she suffers later. It's fascinating to see Peri’s devastated reaction to the Doctor’s death – all their bitching aside she really does care for the man and when she sees a chance to hurt the man responsible she lashes out at the governor viciously. Poor Peri is made to look like a right fruit loop as she start gabbling about coming from another time and world. Sil thinks Peri is almost worth salivating over once she has been transmogrified but disgustingly ugly otherwise, that is more funny the more I think about it. Some people have real beef with Peri but at this stage there has been a poor showing for her yet. She's less prevalent in some stories than others but she always brings her best.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘He’s the worst Governor we’ve had since…well since…’ ‘Since the last one?’
‘Run! Run! Go on run!’ – Arak plays the part of the kids watching!
‘I like that one! The one in the funny clothes!’
‘And cut it…now!’
‘You lying liar!’ and ‘She’s laughing at us all over the face!’ and ‘Pull the lever! Stretch them out of this life!’ and ‘Gently! Gently! Take extreme care with my person if you wish to retain your skins! Ah yes, I shall wear the mantle of power so, so handsomely!’ and ‘I will be governor of governors!’ – Sil’s so fabulous!
‘This Doctor must be eliminated. He smells the truth of things.’
‘The cameras are still functioning…let the show begin. I want to hear them scream until I’m deaf with pleasure. To see their limbs twist in excruciating agony. Ultimately their blood must gush and flow along the gutters of Varos. The whole planet must delight in their torture and death.’

The Good Stuff: Typical season twenty-two, the opening is stark and brutal with a woman almost hypnotised with pleasure as a handsome man is tortured on TV. It certainly grabs the attention. It's one of the things that the story is praised for ad nauseum but it is worth remembering just how intelligent and striking the framing device of having Arak and Etta watching the events of the story on their television just as we do on ours is. Any viewer can see themselves bitching about what is on the TV, complaining that it isn’t violent or satisfying enough and blaming the current government for all the problems. I do it all the time, safe in the knowledge that nobody can hear me. It’s almost a bit too smart for Doctor Who which makes it very special indeed. Plus the power games and opposing viewpoints of the two characters get more interesting as the story progresses. In the hands of another director Sil might have been shot more dynamically but in this case it is worth introducing the character in long shot since we get to see the full extent of his costume (with that awesome twitching tail) and his opening scene suggests he is just another character rather than the monster of the week (because there are far more terrifying dangers to come). Everything about Sil is fresh and deliciously grotesque from his orgasmic love of violence, his disgusting turd-like appearance, that wonderful snakish laugh and the delightful performance by Nabil Shaban. We haven’t seen a worthy new race in Doctor Who like this for quite a few years and it is no surprise that he was quickly pencilled in for a return visit. Martin Jarvis brings a seriousness and severity to Varosian politics; throughout you are completely on his side and watch him walk a fine line between leader and victim. The system of government on Varos makes for gripping viewing as it all comes down to numbers – if the majority disagree with the Governor he is tortured and if the majority agree he survives a blast from the disintegrator for another day. In a world where phone-in polls decide whether celebrities face intense hardship in the jungle, we're only about three steps away from this becoming a reality. There is a dramatic shot of the green light bearing down on him that really sells the horror of the vote going against you. In a society that is starting to focus more on numbers and public image this is becoming increasingly prescient. How awful is it when a man with integrity such as the Governor gets excited by Bax’s fresh method of execution because it might please the people and spare him more pain. That's desperation. Quillam is one of the most repulsive characters ever to appear in Doctor Who, there is something skin crawling about such a camp, hissable man who enjoys hurting people so much (and is so in love with his experiments he is even willing to mutilate himself). Varos has a fantastic music score, listen to the atmospherics as we lead up to Jondar’s execution and the fairytale tinkling as they enter the purple zone. Sil becomes even more wonderfully loathsome when you realise that Varos has a precious commodity that the galaxy is crying out for and he is keeping them in deliberate poverty just to turn a decent profit. Thanks to some effective lighting (imagine if this story had suffered the bleached lighting of so many other eighties stories?) this is one studio bound adventure that is very atmospheric. One of my all time scariest moments comes in this story when they are confronted with that horrid giant fly. Flies are one of my greatest phobias. I just hate everything about them from their creepy whining cries, their uncleanliness and the idea of them eating food, vomiting it up stamping the mulch into food and then eating it again (Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!) and so to be confronted with a giant fly with its hairy mouth wide, its legs twitching rubbing together and its segmented watching eyes…it gets me every time! The Governor exploiting the Doctor’s death to gain public support is utterly immoral and yet you understand why he is doing it – that’s how strong the undercurrents of this story are. In any other story the Governor would be the villain, in Varos he is a desperate man. Arak chuckling away at the Doctor falling to his death is chilling because I can see myself in a similar position in a really good death scene on the telly – Varos holds a mirror up to the audience and forces you to take a good, long look. The various methods of death in the punishment dome are pretty strong for Doctor Who; an acid bath, hanging, cannibals, physical mutation and mental torture. I’m not keen on the pink back lighting but the music, the chanting and the image of the Doctor in the noose all combine to make a memorable hanging sequence. The theory of a man frightened for his life will find solutions of the planets problems is frighteningly logical and unjust at the same time. Even Maldak who would be a faceless guard in any other story becomes a fully-fledged character when the Governor convinces him of how impossible ruling this planet is and helps him and Peri to escape at the last minute. Arak and Etta’s scenes just get better and better with the former frightened of her report against him but still stepping in to vote on her behalf, much to her horror. How atmospheric is that final set piece? The Doctor, Jondar and Areta amongst fleshy tendrils with blood red lighting and Quillam’s loathsome threats. That's some nasty makeup for Quillam’s scarring. The last scene is one of the most sublime moments I have ever seen in television – once the TV is switched off for good what do we do: ‘dunno…’ Priceless.

The Bad Stuff: That opening model shot isn’t very convincing. Areta is remarkably wet for a rebel and the actress is the weak link in the otherwise strong cast. I was quite pleased when Quillam tried to dispose of her which probably wasn't the idea. As soon as his part in the plot is over, Rondal is quickly dispatched. There is five minutes or so where the action lags in episode two. Ineffective gun play and an escape in a (really slow) buggy. The lava special effects is rubbish (primitive early electronic effects) and if you are going to feature scary cannibals do yourself a favour and don’t stick them in nappies.

The Shallow Bit: Any story that opens up on Jason Connery topless, chained up and sweating is doing something right in my book. He actually looks extremely similar to one of my ex-boyfriends and that ended in a less than satisfactory manner so seeing him being tortured so horribly is doubly satisfying. I feel at this point I should discuss the Doctor and Peri’s outfits which scream of the eighties more than pretty much anything else that was on television at the time (except perhaps Saturday Superstore). Garish, bright and the cause of much weeping sores on the eyes, the thing that strikes me as odd is that if one of them had been fortunate to wear subdued clothing (say like Peri’s gorgeous red wine coloured velvet top in Revelation of the Daleks) you could excuse that one of them is simply a loud dresser but with both them sporting such eye watering (or should that be mouth watering…especially for the men who get so many eyefuls of Nicola Bryant’s cleavage) indicates that this is the work of style icon (not) John Nathan Turner. Sil has some very kinky black slaves with him, bare chested muscle boys dressed up as Roman legionnaires. What a saucepot he is.

Result: Highly original, atmospheric and intelligent, Vengeance on Varos scores highly for its Russian doll storytelling which sees a scary Doctor Who run-around taking on much deeper context as we experience the politics of the planet that is supporting such sick entertainment and get to understand the people who enjoy it as well. Ron Jones gives his best direction in this story and subverts the stagey nature of the studio by giving the material some real integrity and still providing plenty of memorable imagery and set pieces. Colin Baker gives one of his strongest performances and has never felt more commanding in the lead role, I was riveted by his character throughout. Vengeance on Varos is a remarkably prescient Doctor Who story in that it explores a television medium that enjoys watching people suffer – the sort of reality television that has taken a grip over the schedules in recent years. The dialogue is thoughtful and Varos is fleshed out beautifully, it is no surprise that Philip Martin was drafted in pretty quickly for a second story. All this praise and I haven’t even mentioned the superb lighting, a memorable musical score and Nabil Shaban’s unforgettable debut as Sil. All this and you have one of the finest cliff-hangers and final scenes to any Doctor Who story. I’ll forgive Vengeance on Varos its few faux pas (a couple of dodgy performances, the nappy cannibals) because it pushes boundaries like no other Doctor Who story and manages to tell a gripping, frightening and considerate piece of drama: 10/10