Colony of Fear written by Roland Moore and directed by John Ainsworth

What’s it about: Sometimes the TARDIS takes the Doctor to where he needs to go... Answering a distress call from the out-world of Triketha, the Doctor and Constance Clarke discover human colonists battling against an onslaught of giant, malevolent insects. The insects’ sting induces a coma, and it is only a matter of time before all the colonists succumb. The Doctor is curious as to the origins of the insects, which appeared from nowhere, and offers his assistance to the colony’s governor. But is this the Doctor’s first visit to Triketha, or has he been here before? The Doctor must confront a past that he has no memory of and take responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

Softer Six: And so, quite bizarrely, we return to the sixth Doctor and Constance before Flip joined them. Big Finish is always plugging gaps in continuity in the TV period of the show but it doesn’t (often) take the time to head back to time in its own personal continuity, especially when the characters in question are still enjoying stories with a third regular. Was Lisa Greenwood not available to record? Or was there a creative reason for this to take place during the sixth Doctor and Constance’s initial run. I don’t object, they have glorious chemistry. It just feels odd to be looking backwards as Big Finish ditches the main range. Colin sounds refreshed, younger, unburdened. It’s rather lovely. It is absolutely worth noting that when Colin recorded his first Big Finish story he was considered the weakest of all the Doctor’s and probably someone that the new audience wasn’t looking forward to being reacquainted with and here, in the advent of his final Big Finish adventure, he is probably the most popular, certainly the most reliable, and absolutely a Doctor that I still get incredibly excited to see in the schedules. That’s some turnaround.

He’s rarely pleased to see someone with a gun but when facing down giant bugs that are looking to take him out he is willing to make an exception. The Doctor has been to so many places that on average if somebody asks if he has been there before it is easier if he just says yes. He finds that if people assume he is somebody it is easier to just go along with it because he can then avoid being asked a lot of irritating questions. This isn’t the first time he has been mistaken for people that are due in ‘a few days.’ You just have to make sure that you have left before they arrive. Has a part of the Doctor’s past been locked away from him? Is he being protected from his own past? He doesn’t remember coming to this colony before beyond a few snatches of vague memory. He’s worried about what he might have done in his second incarnation, once he identifies him from Mrs Clarke’s description (impish, with clothes that are too large for him). Sometimes he gets so carried away that he doesn’t think about the consequences of those who get left behind when he asks people to come with him on his adventures. It would appear that whichever Doctor you travelled with, however it worked out, his companions have absolute loyalty to him. The Doctor cheats at the climax, going back in time ten minutes to save his friends when he knew he wouldn’t have the time to do everything. There’s some pen pusher at the CIA writing a furious report right now. He owed it Tarlos to put things right. One day he might find a way to unlock his memories of Tarlos. Or maybe Big Finish will bring out a boxset or two.

Constant Companion: Constance is loving her adventures with the Doctor, and wants to enjoy the atmosphere of the planet they have visited rather than discuss some dull old technobabble. That’s my girl. She’s not an expert but she did encounter some giant cockroaches a while back. She’s more than adept at dealing with dangerous situations when the Doctor isn’t around. She doesn’t seem fazed when the ship hits the fan at the colony, picks up a gun without flinching and tries to deal with things in a logical, orderly way. She could be a dry character but Miranda Raison is too good at adding lots of moments of charm and humour. The Doctor doesn’t keep secrets from Mrs Clarke but this is a secret from himself. Fascinating to see Constance learning at the potentially fatal consequences of travelling with the Doctor before the events of Static. She is willing to mourn for the people who have died in this story but not the weapons of war.

Sparkling Dialogue: I like it when ambiguous details are slipped into a character that say an awful lot about their backstory but you never get the full story to find out. Like when Ed Gold says to Adelaide in The Waters of Mars: ‘You never could forgive me.’ Or when The Beast says to Mr Jefferson in The Satan Pit: ‘Did your wife ever forgive you. Mr Jefferson?’ Here, in a moment of grotesque metamorphosis, the Governor calls his wife ‘My darling!’ and she responds with ‘It’s been a long time since you’ve called me that and it will be the last.’ There is a whole story not being told there.
‘There’s always a body count when the Doctor is involved. Or haven’t you realised that by now?’ Has he been watching a lot of ERIC Saward stories?
You’ve got a sacrifice in the climax that is genuinely poignant because of what it means for father and son. ‘The main thing is that I came home and that I saw you one last time’ ‘Hardly how I would have wanted it!’ ‘You don’t have much control over the times you have with people. It may not have been ideal but it is what it is. And at least we got a chance to say goodbye.’ The performances are fantastic here. (So is the cheat.)

Great Ideas: The giant bugs can let of chemical signals that can attract others when they die, like the common wasp, but with a sting that can put people into a coma. After three days the victims wake up with no ill effects and no eggs planted inside (trust the Doctor to ask the grisliest of questions). It’s all about mind control. They can take control of whoever has been stung and make them do whatever the hive mind wants. They can also use their venom to turn their victims into another insect just like them. It is their life cycle. The Marlosian segmented worm is nearly extinct and killing one breaks several environmental laws. Ferocious carnivores with very small brains (a bit like the Drashigs). The spaceship that brought the bugs to Triketha is a flying zoo full of the universe’s deadliest creatures. It’s not a zoo, but a collection. The Collector turns out to be Tarlos, a companion of the second Doctor who came to this colony in his period post-The War Games. He picked up Tarlos when he first visited the colony and now he has returned to see his father again but this time as an old man. He was promised adventure by the second Doctor, and that he would be home by teatime. Only one of those came true. He was returned to his planet 48 years before he left. He knew he couldn’t return to his old life until ‘after’ he had left and so he had to wait, and live a life. There’s a creative reason to bring back Tarlos beyond simple shock value. He uses his antipathy towards his former friend to lure the insects into a trap at the climax. They believe his ruse because he genuinely does have a grudge against the Doctor. He just loves him more than the grudge.

Audio Landscape: The sound of swarming insects buzzing around the colony creates an intense ‘base under siege’ atmosphere to the last episode. Suddenly everything feels urgent. There was an episode of The X-Files in series about swarming killer insects and some of the set pieces were oppressive in the climax. Imagine that for 25 minutes.

Isn’t it Odd: Why would you end episode one of the Doctor in a moment of false jeopardy when you have a far more exciting conceptual cliffhanger in the TARDIS already being on this world and the suggestion that the Doctor has been here before? The second some poor lass starts talking to the Doctor about heading off and doing some world saving I knew she was a gonner. Simply because Flip takes up that role in the future.

Standout Scene: The end of episode two is intoxicating for all of the enticing possibilities it presents. Just who is the mysterious collector who seems to recognise the Doctor? Why is the TARDIS already here? Has the Doctor been here before? And why can’t he remember any of this? It’s playing about with the same ideas as Fugitive of the Judoon but with potentially less inflammatory consequences. It has that frisson of opening up the history of the Doctor, that we think is fulsomely documented but reveals that there are still some secrets to tell.

Result: A fascinating tale that starts off as predictable and as plain as any main range adventure you care to name but adds layer after layer with each subsequent episode until it becomes something quite compelling. That’s a great approach because a lot of Doctor Who stories start with their strongest episode and most interesting ideas and transform into a runaround as the story progresses. You might not expect much from Colony of Fear after the first fifteen minutes, but by the end it is plugging the most intriguing of continuity gaps and opening out a series of adventures for a former Doctor. Fortunately, even when it is playing about with basic Doctor Who ideas (a colony under threat, insect creatures on the attack) it is in the hands of a great Doctor and companion and features a stunning soundscape by Steve Foxon. I was certainly not bored in the first episode and positively riveted by the end of the story. I love the fact that during the period that John Ainsworth has had care of the sixth Doctor that he hasn’t been afraid to play about with some big concepts. What if the Doctor had a murderer inside his brain? What if the Doctor went on an adventure with Harry Houdini? Is the Scarlet Pimpernel real? What would happen if the Doctor’s companions faced a moral dilemma that they could not agree on? Can you separate the art from the artist in Lovecraft’s case? The ideas aren’t always executed in the most skilful of ways but they are fresh ways at look at Doctor Who adventures and I always appreciate that. Here we are shining a light on the season 6B theory, and the idea that the second Doctor had a life beyond The War Games. What is interesting about this is the approach; not to chart out the events that occurred when the Doctor was working for the Time Lords but to deal with one of the character consequences of that time. We are seeing the unfortunate significance that comes with travelling with the Doctor and sometimes it is messy. A dash of Fugitive, a touch of Ark in Space and a claustrophobic and exciting last episode that the Second Doctor himself would be at home in; Colony of Fear writes the sixth Doctor out of the main range with some confidence: 8/10

Three Commentaries to Enjoy...

Attack of the Cybermen 1

Join Joe & Jason as they embark on a bank heist of a lifetime. What is lurking down in the sewers murdering people? Why are the Doctor and Peri’s clothes SO BRIGHT. And will anyone survive to tell tales of this adventure?

Attack of the Cybermen 2

Join Joe & Jason as they head to the frozen Tombs of Telos! They ponder just how complicated an Eric Saward scripted story can be, how inept the info dumps can be and how odd it is that every plot thread ends with murder.

Aliens of London 

Join Joe & Nathan as they head to Powell Estate to uncover the mystery of the missing chav. Why is Jackie Tyler the best character to ever appear in Doctor Who? Surely the fat, flatulent, childish politicians aren’t a dig at the political state of play today? And how many ways can two gay men masturbate RTDs skill as a dramatist in 45 minutes?

World War Three 

Join Joe & Nathan as they narrow it down, toss vinegar, duck missiles and trade barbs with Annette Badland. World War Three is imminent, and the boys are ready for the dodgy action set pieces. Good luck.

The Android Invasion 1 

Join Joe & Mark as they dare to traverse the suspense and the mysteries of a Terry Nation part one! Where are the Daleks? Who is the most sinister villager? Are Tom and Lis the peak Doctor/companion team? And just how good is that cliffhanger?

The Android Invasion 2 

Join Joe & Mark from @twowatchwho as they get stuck up a tree, hide in a filthy pond, and get pursued by sniffer dogs! It’s all about the cliffhanger this time, and evil Sarah’s authenticity. Are the Kraal’s effective monsters?

The Android Invasion 3

Join Joe & Mark as they prepare for the invasion of Earth! Is Joe going to tie Mark up to the obelisk in the fake Kraal village? Is this the most phallic rocket in Doctor Who? And how do you destroy an Android with a bread roll and water?

The Android Invasion 4

Join Joe & Mark as they dash to Space Control to save the day! Can you convincingly deliver technobabble through conviction alone? Who is the mysterious porn star at Space Control? How sinister is the Android Doctor? And why is Mother from The Avengers pretending to be the Brigadier?

DS9 – Strange Bedfellows

 

Plot – The previous episode dropped an almighty bombshell on the audience that I think is supposed to rock the war to its very foundations…the Dominion are allying themselves with the Breen. Now I’m terribly sorry if I show just how little I pay attention but I don’t recall ever hearing the name Breen before in Trek, even though I am reliably informed that is the case. So, I can remember at the time looking at my mother (we watched DS9 through together) and being completely baffled as to what the implications were. Of course, throughout the next handful of episode we get a terrific amount of context (especially in the previously review The Changing Face of Evil). So where other people went into this episode with huge expectations about the mighty Breen taking on the Federation, I was watching hoping for some kind of explanation of who they were and why it mattered.

Character – The most interesting character reaction to the Breen is Damar’s, who comes to realise very quickly that with their new buddies providing heavy artillery that the Dominion is no longer interested in cosying up to the Cardassians and openly considers them something of a disposable resource. Telling this end of the war story through the eyes of somebody like Damar was a stroke of genius because he is a character who has previously displayed the worst tendencies of the Cardassian people and somebody that the audience has hissed at when he was wicked and cheered whenever he received his comeuppance. Now the stakes have changed. We are about to see the systematic destruction of his entire people through his eyes and it takes him on an incredible journey from villain to redemptive hero in just a handful of episodes. It is impossible not to care as he cajoled and belittled by Weyoun and completely dismissed by the Female Changeling and I cheered with glee in the next episode where he finally made his move against them. This is the transitory piece where he struggles with his identity, the weight of the responsibility of his entire race on his shoulders and where he realises that for some time he has been leaning on alcohol to get through the day. He has sold his people out and become a prisoner in his own home. It is strikingly sophisticated characterisation and precisely the sort of material that Casey Biggs was promised when he took on what looked like a minor role. Besides being belittled and emasculated, Damar is being asked to sign territorial concessions over the Breen and to allow millions of his countrymen to be wiped out in a tactical move to drain Federation resources. No wonder he throws that glass of Kanar at the mirror., I wouldn’t be able to look at myself either.

Performance – ‘Go. Crawl back to your Prophets. Beg their forgiveness. Live the rest of your life in Sisko’s shadow!’ Sometimes I think the writers on DS9 cannot win. If they write long, laborious episodes about Bajor they are declared the most boring thing ever and yet if they try and turn the magnificently performed Kai Winn into a true supervillain over the course of a single episode then things are moving a little too quickly. When it comes to Winn (and Fletcher’s meteoric performance) I think we can all agree that political gain and power have always been her primary motive and so for her to turn her back on one set of Gods to ally up with another to achieve her aim doesn’t seem at all out of character to me. Her descent into hell is emotionally documented and played. At first Winn rejects the idea of giving her love to the Pah Wraiths. Then she realises by sleeping with Anhjol she is already in bed with them. Finally, she realises that they are offering her mastery over her people, absolute power. It’s all she has ever dreamed of. When the devil whispers in your ear that you can have everything you ever wanted…would you really tell him to move onto the next person? Fletcher spits poison at Alaimo in some riveting scenes, before being completely seduced by him. The scene that sells all of this is at the end where Winn admits that the Prophets had never spoken to her before. Of course, they haven’t. Time has no meaning to them and they know that she is going to betray them. That’s a delicious realisation.

Great Dialogue – ‘They’ll be erased from the face of the galaxy’ says the Female Shapeshifter about the Federation. DS9 wasn’t shy of grandstanding lines like this (the Female Shapeshifter had all the best lines in the Final Chapter) and the joy of it is they get superb actors to deliver those lines so they really count.

Production - The last episode of DS9 directed by Rene Auberjonois and he shows just how much he has learnt during his education on the show. The blocking, lighting and framing of the scenes is excellent. Often intimate (this is a character drama after all) but always vivid. Just look at the moment where Dukat swaggers through the station after leaving Winn a blubbering mess. It's a few seconds long but the music swells, the light catches his sadistic smile but the rest of him is shrouded in shadow. It captures perfectly this Machiavellian war criminals plan coming to fruition and it is entirely wordless. 

Best moment – Strangely, my favourite moment comes not from any of the main storylines but from the Sisko subplot that sees him entering negotiations with Kassidy for the first time over something they disagree on. Early on, he has a gloriously scripted scene with (the ever wonderful) Martok who advises the Captain that war has broken out, ‘a long, gruelling, intoxicating war.’ The dialogue is fantastic, and the performances sunny and delightful. Kassidy does not disappoint.

We’ve also got to the point where one of our heroes can snap somebody’s neck and it is both satisfying and hilarious. Weyoun pushes a little too far and Worf snaps (literally), and whilst you might imagine Damar would be appalled, instead he laughs his head off at the overconfidence of his ally as he lays splayed before him. Just glorious.

I felt like I had fallen into a brilliant Steven Moffat sitcom when Worf and Ezri, trapped together in enemy territory after making an understandable but awkward sexual faux pas. Hearing Worf say ‘I was seduced and betrayed!’ is enough to justify the existence of Deep Space Nine, but the back and forth between them is hilarious. ‘You have biggest ego of any man I have ever known!’ ‘Considering how many men you have known, that is quite a statement!’

In one of the most understated and perfect scenes in DS9, Winn calls upon her greatest critic and spiritual rival, Kira, to beg her for forgiveness for turning her backs on the Prophets. It looks like Winn is going to finally, and in the face of Kira no less, do the right thing and step down as Kai. When Winn realises that that is what it is going to take to regain the Prophets favour, relinquishing her prominent role in Bajoran society, she makes her choice to turn her back on them. The look of quiet disappointment on Kira’s face speaks volumes. More incredible acting.

I wish they hadn’t done that – Just because it is grim against all the laws of nature AND because Marc Alaimo and Louise Fletcher have incredible chemistry, the post-coital sequence of Dukat and Winn in bed with her feeding him fruit. He’s the war criminal that executed millions of her people, and she’s being tricked into feeding him fruit in bed. The power shifts between these characters are awesome, and you just know whatever is happening in this scene that Winn was on top. Your brain will rebel that what you are seeing is truly loathsome, whilst it is secretly a ridiculous pleasure to watch. Dukat masterfully teases Winn with power and sex, and pushes her ever closer to making the decision of abandoning her faith and getting in bed with the enemy.

A reason to watch this episode again – This is the sitcom episode of the final arc of DS9 where there is a fascinating and amusing tug of war between Weyoun, Damar and the Breen Leader, where Worf and Ezri have to deal with the unfortunate consequences of making love in the previous episode by throwing all manner of suggestive insults at each other, where Winn and Dukat go from shagging like rabbits to throwing slaps at each other and where Sisko learns that marrying a strong successful woman means that whilst he might win the odd battle, SHE will win the war. Okay so the entire Alpha Quadrant is hanging in the balance and the Breen have added an extra element of threat to the conflict but essentially this is a character piece that moves the smartly written cast around on the chess board to where they need to be. If that sounds like a placeholder then all you need to know is it written by the best dialogue man on staff at the time (Ronald D. Moore) and that every scene is filled with zingers that are being brought to life by skilled actors. We’re talking about Louise Fletcher, Marc Alaimo, Jeffrey Combs, Casey Biggs, Nicole de Boer and Michael Dorn. The chemistry in each of the storylines is palpable and there is a sense of momentum in the episode not in the form of action but in how the characters are being tested and the decisions they ultimately make. Winn and Damar make huge realisations and Sisko and Kira threaten to steal the show with a pair of memorable character scenes. This is so well written and played, I found myself quoting so much of the dialogue as I was watching. I haven’t seen this episode in years and the exchanges are lodged in my brain. Trek can be talky and tedious. This is talky and triumphant.

****1/2 out of *****

DS9 – Change of Heart

Plot – Accidentally taking fire from a Jem H’adar weapon or accidentally being mowed down by a P’ah Wraith possessed Dukat…it would seem that whatever route the writers had taken, Jadzia Dax was doomed for an unintentional death. How strange that one of the most vital and alive characters of the franchise is taken out not in glorious battle but as a side issue to the main action. Sometimes life is humbling and cruel like that.

Tongo does look rather fun and the actors certainly make it look like it is an involved game.

Character – The ways in which Worf is desperately romantic and cute in this episode; betting a wager on Jadzia even though she will probably lose to Quark and stating that he would rather lose on her than win on him, telling Jadzia to go faster through the asteroid field because it will get their hearts racing, affectionately taking care of the wounds that the jungle inflicts on his wife despite the fact that she lashes out at him for it,

Ways in which Jadzia is the most sensational woman in all of Star Trek here; snogging Worf over the Tongo table with no fear of people watching, respecting Worf’s religion enough to be quiet whilst he prays, tossing her night dress on Worf’s head and climbing into bed naked and claiming that she is done talking, refusing to go hiking for their honeymoon and instead staking a claim to be pampered…and winning the argument, putting the shawl around Worf and hugging him at night because Klingons don’t like the cold, trying to make light of the fact that she is clearly dying,

The truth is that they are both highly competent officers and physically very capable. Being sent on a mission which is this physically punishing makes perfect sense.

Performance – Dorn and Farrell in the moment when she sends Worf away to complete the mission. They are heartbreakingly good.

Great Dialogue – ‘On the Enterprise I was considered to be quite amusing’ ‘Well, that must have been one dull ship.’

‘Think of it as a challenge’ ‘That’s your obsession, Miles. Not mine’ ‘Do it for the latinum’ ‘Nice try’ ‘Do it for the satisfaction of the look on Quark’s face when he’s beaten at a game of Tongo by a lowly hew-mon’ ‘Deal the cards.’

‘Just kiss me and go’ should be agonisingly twee but it breaks my heart.

Production – That’s one of the better studio jungles that Star Trek has pulled together. They often look artificial and plasticky but David Livingston goes to some lengths to make it misty and atmospheric, full of exotic creatures and with a light that falls down behind the trees as the day goes on. It goes to show that with a little effort these studio sets can really feel like they are outside. It feels like a huge spot when it is probably the same set being shot from different angles and there are a number of crane shots that really help sell the environment.

Best moment – The whole sequence in the runabout between Dax and Worf where the show basically becomes a sitcom for five minutes. The dialogue is absolutely on point, and so are the performances.

The whole episode is predictably leading up to the moment when Worf has to choose between his wife or the mission but it is when we get to that moment that this simple character story really pays off. The Worf of old would have done anything rather than fail in his duty and behave dishonourably in the eyes of Starfleet. But the Worf of DS9 has built a life for himself, made friends, found a lover and gotten married and has a completely different set of priorities. The tension in the moment is whether this is still the old Worf or absolutely the new Worf, and whether Jadzia will be sacrificed or not for his principles. I’m pleased at the answer, and I love the payoff. Sisko chews him out in the best scene of the episode and tells him that he will be punished professionally for his actions…but admits that had he been in his shoes and that had been Jennifer that he would have made the same call. It’s precisely that reason (probing character questions and real consequences) that I love this show so much.

I wish they hadn’t done that – The subplot is cute and has its moments but it is one of those DS9 b stories that is completely disposable, which means you could really do without it. Bashir is about to have a year long flirtation match with Jadzia’s successor so this our pre-reminder of his feelings for her before she goes to set that up. Alongside that is a reminder that Quark is a savage gambler and manipulator and isn’t afraid to throw in some wicked psychology in order to win some money. Like I said, it’s fair material and it’s certainly not anything I didn’t enjoy watching but all the gold is found in the A plot this week. And this B-Plot mostly takes place in the middle of this episode, which means that the central plot can’t pick up much momentum.  I thought that Julian was going to be playing along and win out against Quark all along despite his blatant manipulation, but it turns out he truly is a schmucky hew-mon. It is a nice reminder that everybody on DS9 is either fucking or gambling though, so it is still the best post in the galaxy.

A reason to watch this episode again – Not an episode for your average Star Trek fan (I seem to say that a lot about DS9 a lot) but definitely one if you enjoy character work and some real emotion in your drama. Honestly, this would have been a more realistic episode for Jadzia to have gone out on and it would have left Worf with some serious hang ups about the conflict between duty and love that would have been fascinating to follow up on. It also would have served to have been entirely about their relationship and as an endorsement of the Dax/Worf marriage there is no finer episode and the chemistry between Farrell and Dorn is extraordinarily fun. Dax’s death was ultimately rather arbitrary and caught up in the arc machinations of this show…but then it was never going to be a quiet and intimate decision like this. And I actually rather like how she is dispatched in such a callous way because life is sometimes unpredictable and cruel like that. This would have been the easier path to take, but also the more touching. This my way of saying that the episode serves as a healthy reminder of why Starfleet officers in relationships should not go on missions together and the decision that Worf makes at the end is entirely the right with absolutely the right consequences for his career. It’s pretty slight in the plot department although there are still attempts to tie this into the Dominion War and there is an amusing but absolutely throwaway sub plot about Bashir and his feelings for Dax, which I thought had been dealt with but needed to be brough up again because of developments soon to come in season seven. Change of Heart isn’t going to top anyone’s list of top DS9 episodes but in its own quiet, subtle way it is telling a universal story that anyone in a relationship can relate to. Dax and Worf are the best relationship on DS9, and episodes like this prove why.

***1/2 out of *****

Kinda Commentary...

Attention Big Finish fans and fans of hugely charming men... Conrad Westmaas (C'rizz from the eighth Doctor Adventures) joined me for a commentary for Kinda this week. 

Part One 

Join Joe and Conrad as they explore the lush landscape of Diva Loka. Conrad talks about why he hated this as a child and loves it as an adult, Joe is disturbed by the amount of shampoo available on this world and they both marvel at the many levels this story works on.

Part Two 

Join Joe & Conrad as they seek out the dark places of the inside. Why did Conrad give this 3/10 as a child? Where are the monsters? How sexy is evil Tegan? And who is giving the most impressive performance?

Part Three

Join Joe & Conrad as they head into Panna’s cave for a hallucinogenic dream of doom! What the hell is going on at the end of this episode? Why is Dibber wearing a dreadful wig? And how chilling is Hindle’s breakdown?

Part Four

Join Joe & Conrad as they face down the most phallic and plastic of snakes. Conrad ponders what he would like to do with Dibber’s black light converter, the lack film work is considered and we both goggle at how good Nerys Hughes is.

The Brain of Morbius Commentary (featuring Jack Shanahan)

Join Joe & Jack as they head to the storm lashed planet of Karn for what is technically a The Nimon Be Praised extra! Jack has zero respect for my fabulous intro, we are both in awe of the set design, and Joe can’t get over how grisly the cliffhanger turns out to be. (Sound check bolted on the end just for our rendition of the Tellytubbues theme tube).

Part One 

Join Joe & Jack as they are almost burnt at the stake in the sacred flame chamber of the Sisterhood of Karn. We enthuse about the suspense generated by director Christopher Barry, marvel at the ripe, witty dialogue and marvel at the spittoon resting on Maren’s head.

Part Two 

Join Joe & Jack as they face the giant Macra claw of the Morbius creature! We marvel in the glorious tastelessness of a Brain splatting onto the floor and worry about poor Sarah Jane and her many tortures. Worzel Gummidge features.

Part Three

Join Joe & Jack as they attempt to gas Solon to death before the Morbius creatures is on the rampage! We admire the Morbius’ hairy ass, discuss Terrance Dicks’ novel and ponder on all those Timeless Children Doctors.

Part Four

The Ultimate Evil written by Wally K. Daly and directed by Helen Goldwyn

 

What’s it about: With the TARDIS working perfectly, the Doctor and Peri decide to take a holiday. But where? A long-forgotten piece of equipment in the TARDIS storage locker sends them to the peaceful and idyllic continent of Tranquela - home of the Doctor’s old friend Ravlos. But the land where they emerge is far from peaceful. A hate ray is regularly sweeping Tranquela, turning its inhabitants into savage beasts, and there is only one place it can originate - the planet’s other continent, home of Tranquela’s old enemies, the Amelierans. Or is that the only place? Because somewhere far above the planet events are watched by the slimy super-salesman, Mordant, who has his own unscrupulous plans.

Softer Six: The Doctor is appalled that there is nothing with the TARDIS, which means that he has no tinkering to do and nothing to pass his time whilst he is in the vortex. At the moment if you name anywhere in the universe and he could land you there in a millisecond. Sounds rather farfetched to me, given previous form. The hours, years and lifetimes that the Doctor has spent trying to keep the TARDIS functioning are beyond the comprehension of a human. Now he has nowhere in particular he wants to go and no task to perform and this is the time the TARDIS chooses to turn on him. As an opening scene, it is rather witty but it does expose the paucity of the agonising TARDIS scenes that plagued this era where the Doctor and Peri stood around bitching and griping at each other. It takes the Doctor 20 minutes to join the story, which is agonisingly faithful to season 22. He has no respect for the finest scientific instruments in the galaxy, shoving them back in the cupboard as if they were so much junk. The Doctor got his holiday ball from a particularly disreputable representative of the planet Salakan, the slimy super salesman Mordant.

Busty Babe: It’s Peri’s suggestion if the Doctor has nothing to do that he should take a holiday. He doesn’t comprehend the notion, but she has been pushing for that for ages. Peri sarcastically mentions that the locals of every planet want to turn her into a rock garden the moment she arrives…but that isn’t too far from the truth. Peri has been put off holidays for life, given every time she is promised one something horrible happens to her. Peri reminds the Doctor that at one point in this story she was heading for certain death and the Doctor brushes over that by reminding her that the fact that she isn’t means that banging on about it is irrelevant. This characterisation is so troubling.

Standout Performance: Colin Baker is as committed to his portrayal of the Doctor as I have come to expect. This is one story where perhaps he should have phoned it in. Once he is under the influence of the violence ray and turned into a homicidal maniac, the Doctor begins snarling and growling and spitting out threats. Colin sounds thoroughly demented and absolutely terrifying. It’s appalling characterisation of a great Doctor being brought to life by a theatrical actor. The result is quite nasty on the ears.

Dreadful Dialogue: I’m going to break down one piece of dialogue that will expose everything that is inherently wrong with this script, and the dialogue in particular. ‘Don’t be impertinent, Ravlos. You are simply a scientist and you should know that is no way to address a ruling family member’ You have hackneyed phraseology, a consonant heavy SF name, exposition and dialogue expressing something it expects us to know. It’s breaking every rule in the book. The trouble is you could point at practically every line and come to the same conclusion. It’s like SF from the 50s, not the 80s. ‘So, the Amelerians have indeed created a weapon to destroy us.’

Great Ideas: The Salakans want to drain the wealth of any planet they happen upon and so they find the planets needs and provide it for them. Usually, it is an addictive and one that only they can provide so they are in bondage to them. Thought bubble travel does sound amazing. That concept has far more potential than anything else in The Ultimate Evil. Building a society that has that level of sophisticated technology would have been much more satisfying.

Musical Cues: I love the mad organ stings that play throughout the most melodramatic moments of this story – somehow giving all the pomp and nonsense even more of a sense of occasion.

Isn’t it Odd: There’s a scene where one of the affected Tranquelans is clearly being played by Nicola Bryant in her natural accent. There’s nothing done to disguise the fact and the fact that Bryant has played parts before for Big Finish with her English accent seems to have been forgotten.

This is one of those dreadful mid 80s worlds where the characters talk in exposition to try and paint in details but you don’t really get to experience the culture and society that they are trying to build for you. Think Karfel but less smoothly written. Oh yes. ‘And if we are to discover it is the work of the Amelerians?’ says one characters, as if we are supposed to know what that means. You need to build a world through its characters, and then give them an excuse to sketch in details of the world around them. Remember Garron and the Graff in The Ribos Operation; the excuse to tell us about Ribos is there because one is trying to sell the planet to the other so it makes absolute sense that he should be providing a detailed account. You can’t just dump your audience in a science fiction setting and start spouting ridiculous sounding names for places and people and expect us to care. It was the formula in some of those 80s stories and so bravo for this lost story for emulating it authentically.

Just when I thought no stone would be left unturned in the season 22 rulebook…the Doctor announces 30 minutes into the story that his old friend Ravlos resides on the planet of Tranquela! He’s in the address book next to Azmael, Dastari, Magellan, Stengos, and Tonker Travers. Apparently Ravlos’ wife is fantastic at Sucksos. She gets pretty dirty when its on the go.

Another cliché…the peace-loving people of xyz planet, I’ll be so happy to see them again…open the TARDIS doors…oh my why are they trying to kill us? Sigh.

It’s very peculiar that the most horrific moment of the episode (the Doctor attempting to murder his old friend, Twin Dilemma style) all takes place from the point of view of the villain so we can only hear it taking place on a tinny screen with his laughing over the action. Perhaps that is a comment on how absurd the whole thing is, or perhaps by obscuring the madness of Colin Baker’s performance is the only way for this story to survive with its dignity intact.

There’s a very dark thread of disabled shaming taking place in the Colin Baker era that doesn’t sit at all well with me. Sil was a repulsive little capitalist that couldn’t walk. Magellan was a hideously deformed scientist that was only interested in defiling Peri and causing all out war. Davros has his hand blown off and the Doctor cracks a joke at his expense. And now we have the Dwarf Mordant, who wants to cause mass murder on a scale that is inconceivable. This era seems to be saying that if you aren’t fully formed and beautiful, evil is your dish of the day.

The Tranquelans and the Amelarons are the living embodiment of ill defined, utterly unrelatable alien races that Russell T Davies talks about when he describes the planet Zog and precisely the sort of crass scientific nonsense that he was trying to avoid in series one of the new series in fear of alienating the new audience. Give me one reason to understand, relate or care about anyone on this planet. Just one. I think I understood less about how this culture works at the end of the story than I did at the beginning. In the second episode we are facing all out war between the two factions and the whole planet may go up in carnage. At least that way we never have to visit this dreary backwater again.

Standout Scene: ‘Let’s squeeze the life out of you!’ So, whether the original season 22 had come to fruition or when the alternative reared its head 18 months later, Colin Baker’s Doctor was always going to turn evil and start behaving in a homicidal way. Either by death ray or Crozier’s mind control. Eric Saward really wasn’t too fond off the character, was he? I’ve always found the way the Doctor abuses Peri in Mindwarp discomforting but (and I never thought I would say this) thank goodness that is what we got because the thought of him turning beserk and attacking people with a shard of glass is too hideous to contemplate. Colin would have really gone for it as well, as he always does. It would have been an irredeemable act for the sixth Doctor. He commits domestic abuse on the TARDIS once under the hypnotism of the death ray, and she refuses to obey his commands. That might be the worst thing he has ever done in an any incarnation. The end of episode one features the Doctor screaming ‘raaaaaagh!’ and ‘I’m going to kill you!’ Was Eric Saward genuinely going to let Waly K. Daly put out something as irresponsible as this? Doctor Who is no longer a hero but a violent, murderous thug. Calling a story ‘the ultimate evil’ and then giving over the cliffhanger (the moment of optimum peril) to the Doctor behaving in an abhorrent fashion suggests that he is the recipient of that title. I’m just not sure why you would ever do that.

Result: ‘I couldn’t cope with turning you into a beast, my love…’ Any story that begins with the premise of an alien ray that turns the population of a planet into murderous fiends has got to be taken with a pinch of forgiveness because it is precisely the sort of concept that plays out in those fabulous low rent B movies that you can usually find hanging about in Pound shops. I can’t really defend how stupid an idea it is, but I just went with it and the result was that I quickly relaxed into how campy and outrageous the story was and in that way I got a great deal of enjoyment out of it. Everybody is on the joke; from the director to the actors to the music. Everybody knows this is a piece of old tat but is determined to make it as entertaining as possible. It’s very like Mission to Magnus in that respect, but pacier and even less subtle. If that is even possible. Living up to every cliché in the season 22 book (The Doctor joins the action late, the planet is less than fully realised but characters talk about it as though it is, scenes of protracted violence), The Ultimate Evil is doing exactly what it says on the tin a little too well. Whilst there have far been better Lost Stories in terms of plot, character, dialogue and even production, this is surely the most authentic in terms of tone, content and execution? It’s impossible to care about the people of Tranquela and their dreary little continent and so when they started getting bumped off in spectacularly violent ways I was cheering. I think the story wants us to find the violence shocking and unfair (if that was the case it needed to work harder to enamour itself to me beyond lists of details of religion, rebels and rituals) but truthfully those were the funniest and most enjoyable scenes. In that case think of this as the ultimate Doctor Who snuff movie. I can’t bring myself to hate this. It is every single hideous cliché in the book packaged together in a two-hour spectacular and quite, quite hideous. But on those terms, it is so much fun to listen to. Wally K Daly was a respected writer away from Doctor Who and so I can only assume that he was just provided what he thought the script editor wanted by looking at the work around him. I’d say he did that a little too well. The Ultimate Evil might be the ultimate so bad it’s good Doctor Who story, edging out Time and the Rani: 2/10 (or 8/10 depending on your mileage for absolute horseshit)