Necessary Evil written by Peter Allan Fields and directed by James L. Conway

What’s it about: An attempted murder attempt on Quark leads to an old investigation re-opening for Odo…

Single Father: The good cop/bad cop scene where Sisko and Odo interrogate Rom sees the two of them working together to create magic. 

Unknown Sample: The best spotlight on Odo yet and one that manages to show him at his investigative best in the now and explore his past in a way that feels perfectly in keeping with where he ends up. Try saying that sentence three times fast. I love his cutting wit and insults towards Rom and he seems to understand the Ferengi mind to such an extent that he can manipulate him into giving him at least some information even when there is so little to extract. However whilst all the scenes with Odo in the present are flawlessly written and performed all the meat is to be found in the Occupation scenes that show us how Odo came to be on the Station and his first meeting with Dukat, Kira and Quark. He left the Bajoran scientist who looked after him because he thought he could learn more on his own. He understands there is very little justice in the Cardassian Occupation of Bajor but tries to see to it that he can squeeze a little in where he can. He’s a fantastic observer of humanoid behaviour which makes him an ideal investigator for Dukat. Odo understands why Kira lied to him during the Occupation but not why she hasn’t admitted the truth since the Cardassians have left. Where this leaves their friendship, I can't wait to see. 

Tasty Terrorist: It's brilliant to be able to see the terrorist Kira that we have heard so much about and memorably her first meeting with Odo sees her refusing what she thinks is an attempt to whore her out. She tries to manipulate Odo into sympathising with her by forcing him to choose sides in the Cardassian/Bajoran conflict. She has tried to tell Odo the truth about killing Vatrik many times but what he thinks of her means a lot to Kira and she thought admitting the truth would affect their friendship. Kira isn't often apologetic so Odo must mean a great deal to her.

Community Leader: Another great use of Quark but this time in a much darker role than usual. We learn that he ran black market trade throughout the Occupation but he was kind to the ladies (probably expecting some favours in return). Rather grotesquely he starts stroking his ears at the talk of personal gratitude (which is the Ferengi equivalent of a human stroking his crotch). 

Secret Genius: Once again Rom steps out of his brothers shadow and proves that he is far smarter than anybody ever suspected. Quark’s slack jawed reaction to Rom outthinking him during the chemist shop robbery is hilarious. He’s such a wonderful idiot that he doesn’t see the subtext in Odo accusations his part in Quark’s attempted murder until it is too late. Once he realises he could inherit the bar he tries to convince Odo that Quark wouldn’t want to be kept alive by artifical means. Still has quite a dark side at this point then. 

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Commence Station Security Log. At the request of Commander Sisko I will hereafter be recording a daily log of law enforcement affairs. The reason for this exercise is beyond my comprehension except perhaps that humans have a compulsion to keep records and lists and files, so many in fact that they have find ways of storing them microscopically otherwise their records would overrun all known civilisation. My own very adequate memory not being good enough for Starfleet, I am pleased to put my voice to this official to this day; everything’s under control. End Log’ – funniest voiceover in Star Trek. Ever.
‘Clear you mind of anything in it…if there’s anything there…’
‘The Ferengi holds onto life like its gold pressed latinum.’
‘Are these kinds of thoughts appropriate for a Starfleet Log? I don’t care…’

The Good: My hubbie thinks that that this episode has one of the best openings to any Trek episode and he’s not far wrong…a crack of thunder, a lightning flash and the silhouette of a woman looking out at a storm. The opening voiceover from Odo is complimented by a moody waltz along the Promenade after hours before finally closing in on Odo outside the security office – James Conway’s handling of this episode is simply masterful. Quark being shot is a shocking moment because the intention was to murder him (so many gunfights in Star Trek look like people playing games) and because the stunt that sees him flying backwards across the bar is very effectively handled. The framing of the scenes from the current date to the time of the Occupation are effortlessly achieved (achieved in transition scenes of the way Odo is standing, kids playing, people laughing in both time zones, etc). How bleak and oppressive does the Station look under Cardassian rule – the cinematography is so good you would think that they were completely new sets. I wouldn't want the station to look this oppressive every week but for an occasional visit it is visually arresting. To discover it is Kira that Mrs Vatrik is pointing the finger at for her husbands death comes as a total surprise – I love how this episode can pull revelations like this out of no where. The episode deliberately holds back showing Kira in either time period to make the shock doubly effective. The script ties up all its loose beautifully with the list turning out to be a list of Bajoran collaborators that Mrs Vatrik wanted to blackmail (and get her power back on). The moment when Dukat almost walks in on Kira’s confession at being a terrorist always makes me gasp every time. I genuinely feels as if her chips are up despite the fact that we know they aren't. What a brilliant action sequence in the Infirmary with the Deputy being stabbed so hard it pins him to the wall, Quark being smothered with a cushion and Rom being tossed into all manner of surgical equipment. Is this the DS9 episode that simply has everything?

The Bad: Bashir’s ER moment when he shouts at everybody for information is the only weak element.

Moment to Watch Out For: The legendary first meeting between Odo and Quark which is every bit as good as you would imagine and sets them off on precisely the wrong foot. Lies, threats and insults…it's easy to see how resentment brewed between these two acquaintances. Also the little smile on Quark’s face when Rom screams with frustration at saving his life is perfect. And the enigmatic last scene that leaves the shocking twist hanging in the air between two friends who thought they could trust each other. Let's just shove the whole episode in this section. 

Only DS9: No other Star Trek show has a location with such a rich history and looking back at the Station's uncomfortable past helps to remind us how much better things are now with the Federation in charge without ever feeling the need to say it.

Foreboding: There would be more drama provoked from this period in the season five episode Things Past.

Result: A top class episode in every respect. The script, performances, direction, lighting, set dressing, pacing…everything is of such a high standard it raises the bar of what ‘normal’ episodes of Star Trek (ie non event) can achieve. The way the story weaves between two timelines is expertly achieved by both scriptwriter Peter Allan Fields and director James L. Conway and the insight into Odo, Kira and Quark (and to a lesser extent but in no way less valuable, Rom) is priceless. At times you will genuinely believe you are in a black and white film noir because the voice overs, camerawork and lighting are so successful at evoking the genre. We have never seen material as moody as the Occupation scenes before in Trek and after much discussion of the events of this time it is something of miracle that these scenes not only aren’t a disappointment but are some of the best yet for this show. It's all of these things and a great mystery too with a twist ending that shows a regular character in a less than flattering light. I need reminding sometimes that Star Trek can be this good, so much of it is formulaic but when it is at its best like Necessary Evil it is simply the best television has to offer: 10/10

Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS written by Stephen Thompson and directed by Mat King

This story in a nutshell: These titles really are self explanatory these days…

Nutty Professor: Matt Smith is trying his damdest to make this material work, toning down his usual nutty professor exuberance and playing the situation for real. The trouble is the characterisation, which felt off throughout. Even though it is revealed as a bluff, I cannot imagine the Doctor attempting to coerce people into helping him under the threat of death, I’ve always imagined that he is better than that somehow, even when the stakes are high. Why the Doctor thinks that this trio of non-entities, the very people that caused the problem in the first place, would be able to help him out (because they don’t, they merely make things worse) is a mystery. It was during this adventure that I realised just how cruel it was for the Doctor to be keeping this massive secret from Clara when she is clearly innocent of whatever it is he suspects her of. Even he comes to realise this throughout the course of this story. But that moment of revelation is snatched away by the reset ending and so the cold, mysterious Doctor is back, all development cancelled out. One of Matt Smith’s greatest strengths in the role is how he convinces that there is a relationship between the Doctor and the TARDIS, it is there when he dances around the console, strokes the central column and addresses the ship so affectionately. It was especially apparent in the last stone cold classic the series offered, The Doctor’s Wife. When he contemplates the end of the TARDIS at the climax, stating that she has always been there for him it is the one moment where I felt something for him during this story. It’s a moment of quiet reflection on all the times they have had together, almost entirely driven by Smith’s performance (the script isn’t up to capturing the moment with any great poetry) that captures the great history of the craft in a way that the larger episode singularly fails to do.

Closed Book: For the love mercy, no! Stephen Thompson is given permission to advance the Clara Oswald character arc, something that has been desperately needed for some time now but only under the condition that he resets everything again by the end of the episode. Yes, that’s right folks…this is the episode where Clara discovers that she is the impossible girl and then conveniently forgets the whole thing by the climax and continues on her merry way in blissful ignorance. It’s like shoving a steak in front of a hungry man, allowing him to have a tiny bite and then taking the whole plate away and forcing him to vomit up the little he has been offered, leaving the lingering aftertaste of disappointment. Fancy suggesting development and then snatching it away? For the Doctor it is important that Clara and the TARDIS get along and one of the (under developed) threads that has run through this mini season is that the ship seems to be having some kind of allergic reaction to her. When Clara reads the Doctor’s name in a book she barely bats and eyelid and breathes ‘so that’s Who…’ as though it is something deeply ordinary like Bob Jones. I hope it’s not Bob Jones. Watch as Clara walks around the TARDIS in the first half of this story – there is simply nothing that defines her character. It could have been anybody wandering lost in those corridors. Compare it to Donna wandering the Sontaran ship in The Poison Sky; terrified, brave and proud of herself. It’s partly what an actor brings to the role and partly how they are written, Catherine Tate imbued every moment of her time on the show with pathos, humour and subtle character beats that made Donna a real person in crazy situations. Clara is just walking cardboard and for the first half of this episode she doesn’t even have anybody to interact with. A vacant character wandering around a vacant ship = not particularly gripping viewing. It’s only when she is reunited with the Doctor that she shows any depth of character (not that deep, but I’ll take anything), punching him repeatedly for his family of zombie creatures roaming the corridors. I liked the moment when she cut through all of the Doctor’s bafflegab and declared that they aren’t safe and his secrets are pointless if they are all going to die. For a moment it felt like she was a real person who had had enough. Watch how Jenna Louise Coleman plays the scene where the Doctor finally reveals the mystery that has drawn him to her – Clara is actually, properly scared and Coleman finally has something substantial to play. To my mind it is the characters greatest moment since the climax of The Rings of Akhaten, which, whatever you might think of it did at least give the actress a moment of emotional honesty to play. It is why the reset at the climax is so horrific, because at last it felt as if we were getting somewhere with the character. It doesn’t excuse her bland characterisation elsewhere but it’s a start…which is snatched away by this idiotic script. ‘I think I’m more scared of you right now than anything in that TARDIS…’

The Good:

• Love the shots of the TARDIS being dragged into the salvage ship by the mechanical claw and the ship lying on its side amongst blasted and battered salvage. It’s such a spine tingling, iconic device that seeing it mistreated so disrespectfully is actually rather stimulating.
• The console room is still the most impressive aspect of the TARDIS and seeing it smoky and picked out by torchlight is visually impressive.
• The concept of an encyclopaedia that can be drunk is marvellous, the sort of enchanting concept that this episode should have been all about. Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS introduces the notion and then proceeds to do absolutely nothing with it. 
• I’ll give those lighting engineers a massive round of applause. Most of the atmosphere of this story comes from their superb use of light and shadow.
• The heart of the TARDIS turns out to be a gantry overlooking the Eye of Harmony. Well blow me, I never knew that was there. It’s another gorgeously lit scene with some impressive effects. Have you noticed that the only things I am praising in this adventure are production values?

The Bad:

• Don’t get me wrong, I quite like the idea of a salvage team going after the TARDIS and wanting to strip it down for spare parts – that is a pretty dramatic and intriguing idea on paper but the quantum leap between the concept and the trio of unconvincing characters that appear on screen is vast and incalculable. It is extremely rare these days for as story to be so hampered by such appalling guest casting and this must surely be the most badly performed siblings since the Conrad twins heralded in the sixth Doctor’s era. Ashley Walters, Mark Oliver and Jahvel Hall embody the worst excesses of hard man blandness that I usually bear witness to when I accidentally tune into Eastenders when trying to see what is on, an enforced lack of humour and self importance that manages to make the characters both thoroughly unlikable and unbelievable. These sorts of characters can be very funny when done well (Drax in The Armageddon Factor is very charming) but the salvage team that join the Doctor and Clara for this adventure wind up making a dull and stilted adventure even more uninteresting. I think the idea was to tap into that Battlestar Galactica level of tough guy mentality but the difference between the cast of Ron Moore’s reimagined show and this is that they are full fleshed out characters with real lives and these are boring butch ciphers whose only purpose is to add complications to the plot. Even the sight of them in white vests (admittedly appealing for a moment) isn’t enough to placate me. And some of the dialogue (‘What’s the matter TARDIS? Scared to fight me?’) is abominable.
• The Reset Button (TM Star Trek Voyager). Oh how I hate the reset button. No good ever comes of pressing this laziest of plot devices and wiping out everything that you have just watched. With no emotional ramifications, no narrative consequences and no point to the proceedings than to experience it and then toss it away, it has to be handled spectacularly well in order to take something worthwhile away from stories that utilise this narrative blind alley. Last of the Time Lords just about got away with it because Russell T. Davies was clever enough to realise that if he was going to delete all of the Master’s plans then he needed to show that the regulars characters were still affected by what happened – to them these events still happened and they have been affected by them, even if nobody else can remember. He also managed to pull off a personal reset in Journey’s End with Donna which deleted her entire run on the show (at least as far as she is concerned) which proved heartbreaking because we can see for our own eyes over the past thirteen weeks how far she has come because of her travels with the Doctor. Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS is the worst kind of reset (which is the standard, in my experience), taking hold of a story that had the potential to mean something and throwing it all away. I don’t care if this is all undone in future episodes, for the here and now any development that this story professes to promote is effectively undone at a moment when it was needed more than ever. That’s not just daft, it’s enough to turn a fan who is finding a series of the show a struggle into somebody who is completely apathetic to future developments. Trying to make the reset cute and in-yer-face by having it realised in the most literal sense isn’t clever or witty, it’s a show trying to capture the confidence of shows like Buffy (that played with conventions playfully all the time) and falling flat on its face. Besides which, shouldn’t a story that is set inside the TARDIS be so much more inventive than that? This is as unconvincing as the busted spring from Edge of Destruction.
• When you are promised a tantalising glimpse inside the TARDIS it is hard not to get excited by the possibilities. Unfortunately either Stephen Thompson’s imagination has been completely bypassed or the shows budget simply wouldn’t allow anything beyond the sort of rooms you would expect to see. The library is mildly impressive although if they were going to go to the lengths of sprucing up a real one they should have made it far more magical looking, like the full page spread at the beginning of Jonny Morris’ DWM strip The Professor, the Queen and the Bookshop. The swimming pool is seen for a split second but I think I preferred the visually bizarre but real life one spotted in Invasion of Time. Beyond these two rooms which are referenced all the time (not a great deal of creativity needed there then) we get to see a drive room, a power source and lots and lots of corridors. Somehow I was expecting something less functional and more extraordinary. A room full of glowing orbs hanging from a tree just doesn’t cut it. Who ever knew that the inside of the TARDIS was so…mundane?
• I hate to make comparisons because the director is clearly trying to make the dreary corridor scenes that pollute this tale visually interesting (it is hard to do that with a corridor, but if any show can manage it, it’s Doctor Who) but the tilted and swooping angles are straight out of Farscape. It wouldn’t matter so much but the Australian show pulled off this trick in every single episode and what really grates is that the sets were much more ambitious, grander and organically designed too. In Farscape it felt like we were genuinely moving through the bowels of a living thing, in Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS its like clomping through a utilitarian device. One is magical and a little bit sinister, the other leaves me indifferent.
  
• I can only think that they blurred out the zombie creatures not because it made them indistinct and thus more scary but because seen through unfiltered eyes they looks pretty naff. It’s not an inspired design, I have to be honest, and the director has to deploy all manner of tricks to build up some suspense around them. Also I don’t understand the logic of these creatures (I know, I’m putting too much thought into this…but then I am a geek!) – I get that they are the burnt and twisted remains of the characters in this tale but why would undergoing such a devastating transformation suddenly turn you into a homicidal lunatic? Why are they      attacking themselves? If they were trying to warn themselves away from going through the same metamorphosis I could perhaps understand but as directed the Doctor, Clara and the others are simply reduced to slavering burnt out husks of themselves that seem to enjoy attempting to kill themselves. Surely the pain of what they have been through (it must have been agonising to leave them looking like that) would have killed them? When we later see a character undergo the transformation it seems to take all of five seconds and immediately turns them slaughterous, another set of zombies that has replaced the ones that have just been dealt with. It’s such a businesslike way of getting rid of the guest characters and introducing a new threat that it fails to convince on any level.
• I might sound really hard to please (I’m not really, as you will discover if you explore the blog any further) but for a story that explores the innards of the TARDIS this was astonishingly lacking in fanwankery. I don’t want myriad of barely discernable audio clips that play for no reason that is explained (perhaps it’s one of those things that fans are supposed to debate over), I wanted the production team (especially one spearheaded by a fan) to plunder the series’ past (and not just its recent past with the appearance of the Doctor’s cot and Amy’s model TARDIS) and fill the sets with glorious items that the Time Lord has accumulated over the years. A Time/Space Visualiser here, Bessie there and a hat stand in every corner. This was the one time you could get away with that kind of indulgence and they failed to take the chance. A shame.
• If you want to see how being lost in a labyrinth that always leads back to the same spot should be directed then check out Fiona Cumming’s handling of Castrovalva. As realised here, Clara simply walks out of the TARDIS console room and back into it again. How dull.
• Another promising idea is that of time being jumbled together so echoes of the past, the present and the future are all jumbled up together. So why do we only start seeing those ghosts from the past when Clara realises what is going on rather than throughout the story? This story should be shrouded in ghosts from the past and future, companions that have been and that are to come. Haunting Clara’s every footstep, providing a hallucinogenic nightmare.
• Remember in the wonderful Star Trek parody Galaxy Quest when Jason and Gwen are exploring the ship and they come across a massive set of chompers in the heart of the craft that serve absolutely no purpose whatsoever but to create some false jeopardy? Doctor Who has flirted with the idea before (the giant fans in The End of World might have served a purpose…but boy they were ridicuously giant!) but never quite as obviously as the flagpoles that come shooting out of the wall in this story for no sensible purpose. Things were getting a little slow so it feels like they are there to toss another obstacle in the way, albeit one that has been given no thought as to its purpose. Oh, except to reveal the twist that Tricky isn’t an android. Which alone should have secured the omission of this nonsensical threat.
  
• You only have to think about the Tricky twist for one moment to realise that it makes no sense whatsoever. He might have lost his memory of his life before he was convinced that he was an android but how does that explain his need to eat or his ability to have a crap or how he perspires or why he needs to sleep? He might just be the stupidest man ever to appear in Doctor Who. That is before you start to probe the psychological madness of why his brother would ever try and convince him that he is an automaton. Seriously, why would you ever do such thing over a prolonged period of time? What could possibly motivate this kind of obscene identity theft? ‘It was just for a laugh, innit?’ just doesn’t cut it. Is there even a script editor working on the series anymore? I can’t believe this twist made it through Steven Moffat, a script editor, a tone meeting and a read through and nobody realised just how abhorrently worthless it is. A man is jealous that his brother was going to take over the family business because he was his fathers favourite and so he convinces him that he is a servile machine? I mean, it’s just shit, isn’t it? ‘You did this to me just to be Captain of a heap of junk?’
• There’s a quarry in the TARDIS? That’s pretty neat. Oh, wait. It’s just a visual representation of quarry created by a snarling TARDIS…or something. I would have preferred it if it had just been a quarry smack bang in the middle of the ship.
• The Doctor creates a magical door to the past where he can walk through and toss a big friendly button that resets the whole day so none of it ever happened. I can think of a number of other stories where this would have come in handy. If only he could have reset our memories of this episode too, then we would all be better off. I dislike calling writers lazy because I don’t think it is a particularly easy craft to master but this might just be the most indolent conclusion to a Doctor Who story ever. The fact that such an slack get out clause is actually built into the script makes me weep.
• More to the point why would we ever want to see the centre of the TARDIS? Shouldn’t some things remain a mystery to maintain the mystery of the show. A bit like the name of the Doctor.

 Result: A hollow, illogical, confusion of unoriginal ideas featuring some of the worst guest performances in the shows long history, this is not Doctor Who’s finest hour. Irritatingly this was the story I was looking forward to most during this run (and bugger off to those people who say you shouldn’t set your expectations too high – why the hell would I watch a show if I didn’t think it was striving to be the best it could possibly be?) because I thought it was time explore the interdimensional labyrinthe that is the TARDIS with a healthy budget and 50 years of nostalgia and imagination to construct it from. What did we get to see? A library, a glimpse at a swimming pool, a weird tree of lights and lots and lots of corridors. This is supposed to be the most exciting ship in the universe but all I saw in this piece was a cut price Moya from Farscape. Don’t even get me started on the wooden performances from the three salvage men because I might get nasty but their efforts make an already apathetic story venture into the realms of abhorrence. A man who convinced his brother that he was an android because he was always his daddy’s favourite? Even if there was a screamingly convincing motive, a powerfully written and acted relationship that we were emotionally invested in and enough time to reasonably explore the idea it would still be an extremely hard idea to buy into. As it is it’s the nadir of an ill characterised season of Doctor Who (I could be seen banging my head on my dinner plate when this aired). I have heard comments that this story features a legitimate reset button. Is there such a thing? Just because you self consciously set up a climax that takes hold of the one strength of this episode, the development between the Doctor and Clara, and returns their relationship to its factory settings, does not in any way make it smart or sophisticated move. It’s retarded. In a season that has failed to generate any momentum despite constant reminders of the Clara mystery this is the point where I leapt from mild disinterest to complete apathy. Whilst I quite like the idea that this whole noisy, incoherent, unlikable mess of an episode never took place, to offer some desperately needed development of the characters and then to snatch it away is insulting. So bad that my husband (who is pretty easy to please, trust me on this) turned to me at the end and declared this run ‘the worst season of Doctor Who yet.’ A story that takes place entirely within the TARDIS in the 50^th anniversary year should have been magic. Instead this was the weakest episode in a very mixed run: 3/10

Rules of Acquisition written by Ira Steven Behr and directed by David Livingston

What’s it about: Quark is given the opportunity of a lifetime…

Tasty Terrorist: Kira catches the Nagus eyeing up some hot booty and then asks her to join him by sitting on his knee and when she refuses he pinches her ass (for the second time) as she walks away. The Nagus seems to confirm her opinion of the Ferengi and it's hilarious to see him taking such liberties with the sort of woman that would rip your arm off for looking at her the wrong way.

Nine Lives: The rehabilitation of Dax continues as we open this story with her having a great time gambling with Quark and his waiters, flirting with him and walking away with all the cash. There is a brilliant scene between Dax and Kira where she reveals that she has had more fun with the Ferengi over the years than any other race. It’s about time somebody spoke up for this race given they were the subject of so much casual discrimination on TNG. She doesn’t care what anybody says, she loves Quark, even when he tries to do something sweet for her and expect some nookie in return. As much as Quark pretends to get ovet his feelings for Pel in a hurry and immediately starts flirting with Dax, she knows him better than that and tells him so. 

Community Leader: Quark practically bursts like a big pus filled spot at the thought of becoming the Nagus’ chief negotiator in the Gamma Quadrant. Whilst I don’t for one second think that Quark is gay it is interesting to see him slowly falling for somebody that he thinks is a man. Clearly he is uncomfortable with the idea and yet something draws him very strongly to Pel. There is a much darker story that could have played out here that delved into the thorny subject of sexuality but not even DS9 was ready for that at this point in time. I’m glad that once her gender is exposed that Quark proves he really is a man by sacrificing his profits so the woman he has fallen for can go free. He's not irredeemable. 

Hairy Ears: Basically the Nagus is to DS9 what Lwaxana was to TNG, a really fun character who turns up every now again and causes chaos and whips up the regulars in a frenzy. He seems to be loved and loathed in equal measures too, just like Mrs Troi. However thanks to the talents of Wallace Shawn, the Nagus is ten times the better guest character as far as I am concerned and practically every one of his lines is a comic gem and extremely quotable. He’s a wonderfully lovable grotesque and I punch the air whenever he shows up. Go and watch the glorious scene in Sisko’s office where he tries to offer them drugs, trick the Bajorans out of a small fortune, flirt with Kira and sneeze all over the desk (‘little late, aren’t we?’)! He believes the Ferengi have a reputation for honesty, decency and reliability – you always know what to expect when you do business with the Ferengi. Maybe that last line is true, not sure about the rest. The Nagus knew all along that there was an alliance of planets in the Gamma Quadrant and he sneakily set Quark up to do this deal so he could find out more about them. He's a wily one, watch out for him. Could you imagine a day that he, Kai Winn and Garak joined forces? 

Secret Genius: Interesting that Quark was the shameless scene-stealer in the first season stealing the limelight away from the regulars and now in season two Rom is slowly doing exactly the same thing to Quark. Bless him, in this episode he is often to be found in the background of a scene framed by Quark and Pel being ignored and generally insulted by his brother. He prefers his ladies naked and submissive. Rom tries any opportunity to get Pel fired because he feels as if he is taking his place in his brother’s affections. Rom is still living in his brother’s shadow at the moment but over the next two years he will slowly start to gain his own independence. 

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘It never hurts to suck up to the boss!’
‘Once we get our foot in the door…they’ll never get it out.’
‘Then I suppose a night of wild passionate romance is out of the question?’
‘So you like my lobes?’ ‘Yes I do’ ‘Good then you can have them!’ ‘Arrrggghhh! It’s a female!’ 

The Good: When the comedy does work in this episode it really works and I always die of laughter when Rom discovers Pel’s huge ears and holds them up to the light in mock horror and also the very funny muted sequence where Quark finds out that Pel is a woman. And faints. The Nagus’ reaction to having done business with a female is priceless. Flaked splud fleas? Ugh! 

The Bad: There is no point in this episode where I was ever convinced that Pel was a bloke and so dressing up the reveal as a revelation felt a little awkward to me. Wowza, we haven’t seen aliens quite this badly made up since the half black/half white race in TOS and we never find out if these are simply ceremonial markings of their actual faces. Either way, it looks really cheap. I'm not sure that the Dozai ever needed to be referenced again but they are brought up on several occasions since because they are essential in the bridge between the Federation and the Dominion. For that, they should be wiped off the face of the galaxy. If you weren’t a fan of Star Trek and thought it was simply a lot of grotesquely make up people hamming it up in space you should probably use the first negotiation scene as your evidence. 

What’s Morn up to: I love Morn so much I want to add a little section to discuss his activities. Here he is squatting on the Promenade and trying desperately to get into Quarks for a drink whilst a late night Tongo game is being played. 

Moment to Watch Out For: When Zek pinches Kira’s bum outside the airlock waiting to receive the Dozai. ‘If you ever do that again…’ ‘Do what?’

Teaser-tastic: The Nagus is back!

Only DS9: When people praise shows like Lower Decks for focussing on the behind the scenes characters so effectively they happily forget the Ferengi episodes of DS9 which have an entire running story that is built upon over seven years. Whilst they might be comic episodes these are valuable insights into what goes on away from the important Starfleet business and helps to make DS9 feel like a place where people live.

Foreboding: ‘Lets just say if you want to do business in the Gamma Quadrant then you have to do business with the Dominion.’ Such an important line, this. The first mention of the enemy that would flood this series with great drama right until its last breath.

Result: Whilst I think it misses its mark as a comment on sexism by several miles and completely fails to acknowledge Quark's sexuality, there is a lot to like about Rules of Acquisition. One thing I have really noticed over the years is how little the US audience seem to think of the Ferengi episodes and how much the UK audience seem to like them and I think I have figure out why. US comedies are usually one joke wonders written by a committee of writers (for example Friends with its ‘the one with…’ titles but there are dozens of other popular sitcoms that you could point to with that style) which rely on the charisma of the actors to fill the time. British comedies on the other hand are often character driven affairs and often focusing on the less appealing areas of life and poking fun at them. More often than not I see a lot of clever British humour in the Ferengi episodes (go and watch an episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo and then go and watch Profit and Lace and you are pretty much watching the same thing) and I really enjoy them because the actors playing the Ferengi actors clearly love working together and that chemistry extends to the audience and you feel as if you are part of the family. It's a very comfortable place to be. So whilst Rules of Acquisition has some dodgy aliens, a painfully unfunny gay farce scene and hardly any purpose, the resulting episode is still a joy to watch because the atmosphere is so welcoming. If this isn't to your tastes then go and watch a DS9 comedy in the American style (the far more sexy and charismatic Take Me Out to the Holosuite and Badda-Bing Badda-Bang). The Nagus tries to bed Kira, Dax has a riot with her Ferengi friends, Rom gains even more sympathy than usual and Quark holds the whole piece together with his roguish charm. It’s not very clever but it’s a whole lot of fun: 7/10

Time Heist written by Steven Thompson & Steven Moffat and directed by Douglas Mackinnon

Thus story in a nutshell: A bank heist in space?

Indefinable: God bless Peter Capaldi. He is once again the most thrilling thing about the entire story, single handedly trying to convince you that there is something going on beneath the surface of what you are watching. He's proving to be far more diverse a Doctor than I initially envisioned he would be, slipping into this stylish, high class environment as comfortably as he did the flesh creeping shadows last week. I thought the episode was extremely brave to allow the Doctor to give one of his friends the means to commit suicide. That moment quite took my breath away. Imagine my response when that was revealed to be a massive cheat? Don't pretend to take risks, somehow that is worse than not bothering at all. Capaldi walks through this story taking everything terribly seriously and waving a magic wand to bewitch the audience into thinking it was more than a run-around. To his credit, he almost succeeds. That's how good he is. It's the eyebrows, I think. Overbearing, manipulative, likes to think that he's very clever - is that what the Doctor really thinks of himself? Is that where all his self reflection has led him? There's another suggestion that his head is full of sinister memories, something that makes the Teller gawp and recoil when he has a look inside. Capaldi gnashes those teeth again when he commands the creature to show him how they got there. He can be bloody terrifying when he makes threatening commands. The last line is terribly unfortunate because it reveals that the Doctor is jealous of Clara spending time with Danny and kicks up suggestions that he is trying his hand at one-upmanship. Don't you dare let this turn romantic, Moffat.

Impossible Girl: Why does the Doctor keep picking Clara up? Didn't we deal with this  with season 7b and the Ponds not being able to settle down and leave the Doctor? I hate to be a prude but isn't it highly unprofessional for teachers to be lusting after each other at school and practically salivating at a near kiss in the classroom? Clara suggests she has a few memories that she could have deleted...really? There's something in her past that she is ashamed of? Can we have a glimpse at that please because all we are seeing of her these days is how she redefines perfection. I would welcome a peek at some of those flaws. I might be damning the character with faint praise by suggesting that Time Heist is the perfect Clara story. One where she has to look pretty, act brave and fire off one liners. That is her spec and that's all she's required to do here. It's when they try and pretend there is something more to this wafer thin personality that I have problem. There's no pretence of that here and as such she can walk free without criticism. Next weeks episode looks like a re-run of themes of The Power of Three. Clara is anywhere near as well defined as the Ponds (whether you like them or not) so it will interesting to see how they compare.

Sparkling Dialogue: 'It's very obvious that you've been with him for a while' 'Why?' 'Because you are really good with the excuses.'

'We're getting sanity judgement from the self-burner?'

The Good:

* The very nature of Doctor Who these days is that it will dump you in the middle of the story without practically any set up and Time Heist makes no apologies for that. The series is still capable of pulling off classic Who style exploration of a setting before the narrative kicks in but that is left to the two part stories that have the time mostly (The Silence in the Library is probably the closest example to having an old school style part one) but there is no time in Moffat's Hollywood Who to bother with such irrelevances as pacing and atmosphere. Time Heist makes a massive joke about plonking the Doctor and Clara straight in the midst of the action (from phone call to memory worm) and actually works in the mystery of how they find themselves plopped into the narrative. It's a smart way of cutting to the chase and like The Crimson Horror last year, Time Heist deals with the nuts and bolts of how they got to there in a truncated sequence later in the episode. At least they bothered, season 7b often had the Doctor and Clara walking out of the TARDIS and the Time Lord explaining at a rate of knots where they were and why. At least this was a quirky approach and it gets your attention. Time Heist simply could not have played out like a standard Doctor Who adventure or it would reveal every twist ahead of the game. I rather liked that just this once, how its the conundrums were built into the unusual structure of the episode.

* Once again Douglas Mackinnon is displaying formidable direction skills. Stunning scene transitions (I especially love the shattering glass), slow motion saunters through stylish locations, imaginative camera angles from every direction, swanky lighting that convinces that the bank is far bigger than you might think even when the director is re-using the same scenery, luxurious pans of some nicely designed sets. He's gone from one of the weakest directors of the new series to one of the most capable. Colour me impressed.

* In order to pull off a successful heist you need a smart and capable team to back you up and I was rather impressed by Psi and Saibra. Look at that, a Moffat episode where I was intrigued by the guest characters. It's not because there is anything especially substantial going on beneath the surface of these characters (because ultimately they wind up serving a purpose to the plot like most Moffat characters) but what impressed me was the performances (which were highly engaging and lively) and the interaction between them all. The chemistry between the four actors sparkled on screen and for the first time in the age I could see the potential of a four man TARDIS team. Frankly I would welcome Psi and Saibra on board just to take the limelight off of the architect of the Doctor (sorry, Clara) for a while. It's a damn shame they didn't die though, since those sacrifices would have made their participation in the episode mean something. The tidy endings they get instead gut those moments of any meaning but if they were going to take this teleportation over suicide approach then at least they got what they came for. I wouldn't mind catching up with these two again, just because I thought they were so well cast.

* As my good friend Paul mentioned there was something very McCoy era about this story (which means technically I should have been coming out in hives) and I thought that was true when it extended to the location. Stories like Paradise Towers and Ghost Light derived their stories from the setting, from the characters unveiling the secrets of where they are and Time Heist follows that same approach. There's even mention of a mysterious architect. And what a glorious setting this story had. Conceptually interesting, visually striking and gloriously other worldly, it felt like Doctor Who was visiting exciting alien locations once again and making no apology for it (as it often did during the Russell T. Davies era). The zoom in on the bank of Karabraxos unveils some formidable CGI, an impressive cityscape with a towering pagoda at its heart adorned with gold.

* A host of lovely ideas and images; the memory worm makes a re-appearance, Saibra touching living cells and being able to replicate the owner (a shape shifter would be the ultimate tool in a bank heist), the Teller with his phallic eyes wibbling together and sucking out the content of peoples brains, the vomit inducing shot of the man and his deflated head (the sense of wrongness about that repulsed me), the bomb which melts away the floor and paints over the gaping maw afterwards, a gamer who is half computer, a solar storm battering at the bank, the Doctor coming face to face with the Teller in a shock moment (that took me by surprise and made me laugh in response), the cut to Karabraxos sitting amongst her art treasures listening to classical music - the female Braxiatel in all but name (and gender), murdering her own clones for letting her down.

* If Paradise Towers had been a few seasons later you just know that the Doctor would have wound up being the Great Architect. He was the orchestrator of most of his adventures in season 26. It's nice to see that idea brought to fruition, even if it is with another Doctor altogether.

The Bad:

* Looking like a cut price creature from Star Wars, I don't rate the design of the Teller very much. This is a monster that should have been designed to terrify but I thought its facade was a rather sympathetic one, all forlorn eyes and bound in chains. Despite its ability to suck out your brains and leave your head as fat as a pancake I never felt a sense of anxiety about the creature, just that it was doing what it was told. To make the twist that it is working under duress a more palpable one it should have been restrained with invisible shackles and designed to be far more petrifying. Something demonic and salivating, looking like it was enjoying itself. It plods towards Clara at one point and I wanted her to go up to it and shake it by the eyes on stalks and pat it on the head. Poor lumbering victim. A big fuss is made about its appearance (a lengthy slow motion march) but it never really amounts to anything frightening when I think perhaps it should. It seems that every year we have to learn the lesson that because something is big and ugly it isn't a monster (The Beast Below, Vincent and the Doctor, The God Complex, A Town Called Mercy, Hide) which is a valuable lesson to learn but for once I would just like a fuck-off scary monster and not one that croons and purrs at the audience and asks you to weep for it. People that criticise that the Moffat era isn't as scary as other periods of the show might just have a point in this respect.

* What a waste of an actress like Keeley Hawes. For the most part playing a clone that is barely infused with any character (beyond a sense of self assuredness that matches Clara for smugness...maybe the two of them should have had a smug-off at one point?), Hawes only really comes into her own when she gets to play the real Karabraxos and that is left to the last possible moment where the plot is wrapping itself up. To maintain that surprise we only get a glimpse at this potentially very interesting character (Hawes saves all the off-the-wall quirks for the real character) and instead are treated to her sterile clone for the most part. Given the fuss that was made about her appearance (the publicity machine likes making fusses these days) I was tricked into thinking this might be the ultimate 'bad aunt' (as David Fisher might put it) of NuWho but Ms Delphox doesn't even come close. Cassandra she aint and my favourite villainess of the last seven series is still Ms Foster ('Oh it's a beautifully fat country.').

* Psi is ultimate Moffat character - part robot, part plot device, a man who has deleted anything that might make him feel or connect with the audience (his friends and family) and thus can serve as nothing more than a narrative appliance. He even comes back from the dead at the end of the episode. This is Moffat's approach to characterisation in a nutshell.

* Just when I thought this episode was trying to do something completely original (in style and tone there has never been anything like this before) it jettisons the heist story at the last minute and turns into a replica of Hide. A bizarre choice. It worked as much as it did in Hide, as an idiosyncratic twist that confidently switches genres but it perverts any attempt to make the monster of the week scary. It's the ultimate Hollywood approach though, a happy ending and a love story. Bleaugh.

* The destination rather spoils the journey. The centrepiece nightmare creature is just a mourning lover trying to be reunited with a mate. The intriguing setting isn't holding anything substantially interesting like it suggests. The poignant self sacrifice of two characters is undone and renders those moments false drama. The villainess of the piece has set the whole thing up because she is guilt ridden at the end of the her life. The Doctor turns out to be the architect of this whole affair, necessitating the use of the memory worm, a cheating device without which there would be no story and no mystery. And a solar storm that comes from nowhere without any set up but proves to be essential to the plot. None of these twists are especially pleasing or satisfying. A shame because the expedition to get to them is rather enjoyable. The only twist that worked for me was the reveal of the second creature - propagating a near extinct species is worth far more than all the gold on the planet. Bestill my bleeding heart. I remember saying to Paul that this needed to lead to somewhere important for the Doctor for it to have a real impact and make the struggle in getting to the vault worthwhile (in fact it would have been a great place to link into this seasons heaven arc, perhaps offering a glimpse at the people who have been saved from the previous adventures). Ultimately I was left thinking what was all the fuss about if it was just going to lead to love? It needed something substantial to make it more than just a throwaway bank heist story, which ultimately it is.

The Shallow Bit: Once again Jenna Coleman is put in a costume that makes her look like sex on legs. Is there anything that this woman cannot pull off? Something about Psi kept drawing my eye. It could be Jonathan Bailey's charisma, it could be his looks. Those are some piercing eyes.

Result: Doctor Who's current obsession with Hollywood continues. We've had Jurassic Park in Victorian London, Fantastic Voyage in side a Dalek, Robin Hood with robots and now we are treated to Ocean's Eleven with time travel. On my first viewing I was glued to the screen because I was tricked into thinking that this was leading somewhere spectacular, something I haven't been lulled in to for some time. It's been an age since I last watched a Doctor Who episode where I didn't know what was going on and was simply enjoying the ride so much. The destination is nowhere near as enjoyable as the journey, that's unfortunate but this is still a thrilling first watch, one that ultimately spoils repeated viewings because of its questionable twists towards the conclusion. As usual it could have done with an extra fifteen minutes (the structure of the story would be completely different if it had that luxury) to allow the story time to breathe (this one is sprinting all the way through) and flesh out the characters (Keeley Hawes isn't given a character, she plays standard smug villainess number eighty four) but the fluidic nature of the storytelling and the breathless pace convince you whilst you are watching that it is the perfect length. It is only when you think about things afterwards that the cracks appear. Typical Moffat then. Still it is sporting some delicious visuals, terrific interaction between the actors, some acerbic lines and wonderful ideas. I cannot come down too hard on an episode that gets all those things right. Not only that but it is a Doctor Who story set on an alien world with exotic characters on display and that is something I can always get caught up in. Despite the wealth of faults which I have explored above, I found myself seduced by this one. It wasn't anywhere near as clever is it was trying to convince you that it was but this is a story that by its very nature is designed to be all style and no substance and boy did it deliver some style. Farscape sported a very similar episode to this (a bank heist on an alien world) on what must have been double the budget and with twice the perversion and imagination (more dumbed down for a family audience?) and as such this is a pale shadow of that, but in Doctor Who terms this was pretty classy stuff. I rather liked how sexy it all was but I can understand why some people were turned off: 7/10

The Crimson Horror written by Mark Gatiss and directed by Saul Metzstein

This story in a nutshell: Who is the mysterious Mr Sweet and what is the nature of his crimson horror

Nutty Professor: Whilst the moment of his return is classic, his sudden presence marks the point where this episode goes from being a classic to merely a decent episode because we’ve seen all his hand waving, manic babble before. Plus there was something very unusual about the way Matt Smith chose to play the petrified Doctor, walking through the corridors of the factory as though he has recently shat himself. Before the Doctor turns up to point out every reference, to bask in the influences and to make mockery of the scheme that is unfolding it felt like a genuine mystery was evolving. Rarely has his presence in his own series felt so…glib. I would have much preferred to have seen this play out with Vestra, Jenny and Strax as the leads but as soon as he bursts on the scene they are promptly sidelined. We go from ambiguity and horror to childish slapstick in a matter of minutes. Plus what exactly does he do in that locker with the sonic screwdriver? There is nothing instinctively wrong with Matt Smith’s performance (although it is so familiar now it is starting to tire) but I don’t feel he has been best served with material this year that consistently points out his eccentric quirks and pulls back from his many strengths.

Closed Book: Another disappointing outing for Clara who might go down on record as the least sketched out companion of all time. And that is facing some stiff competition from Dodo and Mel. Given that she is a character deliberately shrouded in mystery, that any possible development was recently nixed by a horrendous reset button (I still cannot face watching Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS again to review it given my allergic reaction to it’s climax) and that she barely features in this episode perhaps the game changing development that Moffat is promising in The Name of the Doctor will be…that Clara has a personality after all! Yeah, so I’m taking the piss but it does worry me that we are this far into series 7b and I still have absolutely no clue who this woman is and why I should care about her adventures. When the trailer promoted the appearance of Vestra and associates last week Simon suggested that because they were present in The Snowmen when one of Clara’s doubles/doppelgangers/fragments/whatever the twist about her multiples deaths might be that this might lead to some examination and discussion of the notion and even (gasp) some development. Instead Gatiss simply doesn’t have the time to do anything with the idea (and it appears that Moffat is stalling any development of the Clara mystery so he can do the honours in the finale) and so simply re-iterates that her continued survival is a mystery. Gee thanks for that. It is the most bizarre arc that the show has ever devised, one which refuses to evolve or progress but week after week simply repeats the same conundrum and hopes that we will become more invested in it the more we hear about it. By now we should have been fed further titbits, seen the enigma mature and be nearing its completion with several tantalising possibilities hanging in the air. It would seem that Doctor Who has forgotten how to tell a long running mystery of this nature and Clara’s character is the sacrifice as a result.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘I once spent hell of a long time trying to get a gobby Australian back to Heathrow airport’ ‘What for?’ ‘Search me…’

‘Have you been eating those jelly sherbet fancies again?’

The Good:

• Whilst she is a character without motivation, Dame Diana Rigg is afforded the chance to chew the scenery like no other guest star has in a long, long time. Despite Moffat’s era proving to be the most operatic (in terms of its ambition at least) in the history of Doctor Who it is surprisingly sparse on memorable roles for the wealth of British acting talent to get their chops around. When impressive actors are deployed it is usually playing one-note, inchoate ciphers (this year alone has seen the talents of Celia Imrie and David Warner wasted). Part of the motivation of this episode was to give Rigg something juicy to play and she gets to sink her teeth into some marvellously macabre material and witty lines. Donning her natural accent and slipping between the roles of determined businesswoman and psychotic host to a parasitic leech, she’s clearly having a whale of a time and it’s easy to switch off your critical faculties when she is on the screen. ‘Die you freaks!’
• A nasty, tasteless autopsy attendant is the staple of many a Victorian penny dreadful. The eye retaining an image of the last thing it saw. The Green Death/The Crimson Horror. Ghost Light featured a horror tucked away and being fed on a tray under a door that slides upwards. Plus there is something very Happiness Patrol/fondant surprise about the gaudy nature of gunking people in the crimson horror. None of these are new ideas but in a pastiche of this nature it really doesn’t matter one jot, it is all part      of the fun. Plus when influences are pulled off this stylishly what is there to complain about?
• I’ve heard the idea touted that Madame Vestra, Jenny and Strax have the fortitude to kick start a spin off series and whilst I might have blanched at the idea after A Good Man Goes to War in the wake of The Snowmen and The Crimson Horror the idea now appeals to me wholeheartedly. Both Simon and      I agreed that the lack of the Doctor and the intriguing opening mystery were the most interested we had been at the start of a Doctor Who episode so far this year. Not only was the material presented in an alluring way but the humour and interaction between this trio of characters is much more engaging than the Doctor and Clara have managed to be so far this year. I would definitely sign up to a spin off show but I hope it wouldn’t prevent further appearances on Doctor Who. I genuinely do not believe that Clara investigating Mrs Gillyflower’s factory would have been half as entertaining as it was with Jenny because the latter is such a clearly defined character with nothing to hide and as such it was easy to slip into the mystery of the situation with her.
• Rachael Stirling proves to be quite a memorable sight, scarred and blinded, and revealed like a grotesque at a freak show by her mother. She gives a phenomenal performance, the likes of which we haven’t seen for some time. I felt for this characters plight and found the twisted relationship she had with her mother enhanced the drama of the piece. She provides a sense of pathos that the show has lacked of late, and a character that it is possible to care for because of the antipathy her mother has for her and the abominable experiments she has put her through. You can tell that real life mother and daughter team Rigg and Sterling are getting a kick out of this sinister spin on the usual dysfunctional domestics. Experimenting on her daughter to immunise herself? That’s cold.
• The reveal of the giant megaphones pumping out the fake activity of a working factory was a beautifully executed surprise. It might be the first time my eyebrow raised in intrigue rather than disappointment this year. The Doctor emerging as the ‘monster’ in the basement is another pleasing twist in a story that at this stage feels like it is progressing with some narrative skill. Gatiss has given himself a massive task to surmount. All he has to do now is explain away these moments, unveil the Crimson Horror, explain who Mr Sweet is and his relationship with Miss Gillyflower and wrap up all these elements satisfactorily.
• Cracking and popping and faded film, wind up organ music, dramatic black and white photography of each scene – there has never been anything quite as stylistically bonkers as the flashback sequence. It’s a smart move in narrative terms because it allows the audience to get up to speed in record time the Doctor’s activities prior to his reveal as the monster of the piece. However it is in no way an acceptable substitute for what would be the first episode of a four part serial in the classic series. We’re having to skip over all the usual investigation and excitement of exploring the setting these days because there is simply no time to do so and tell a fulsome story in the process. This is a delight to watch because it is executed so eccentrically but it does expose the flaw in cutting out the two part stories. Ratings be blown, this would be far more satisfying if it had time to breathe. The ghoulish imagery is exquisite, from the couple captured in a jar like flies trapped in amber to the Doctor being subsumed by the Crimson Horror to Clara bewitched with the pretty maids all in a row. The latest victim of a dipping screaming that ghastly wail in the Doctor’s cell is genuinely quite horrific.

The Bad:

• Enough with the badly placed signposts telling us where and when the story is going to be placed, Gatiss. Let the audience enjoy the simple thrill of figuring out where they are through the dialogue and action.
• Strax is a massively entertaining character but some of the gags surrounding him are a little too obvious and have been played before. Some moments elicited groans rather than cheers. Mind you seeing a Sontaran squeezed into a suit is still hilarious. Tom Tom though? Groan…
• Jenny and her slow motion kickboxing I could have done without. The last time this sort of thing was done (Tooth and Claw) the result was much more visually impressive. This was such a blink and you’ll miss it sequence lacks panache and I’m not really sure why they bothered.
• Was I the only person who thought that Mr Sweet might turn out to be Richard E Grant’s Great Intelligence manifestation? Was I also the only person who was a little disappointed that it turned out to be a prehistoric parasite? It’s a story that feels like it is building up confidently to a fantastic revelation but instead I was left scratching my head and thinking…is that it? If this is a primordial horror from the dawn of time and not an alien influence the script suddenly fails to make any sense when the rocket is unveiled. Where precisely did Mrs Gillyflower pick up the skills and technology to design and build such an invention? And why aren’t the Doctor and friends burnt to a crisp when the fuel cell ignites right above them? Gatiss is so busy revelling in the gothic steampunk madness of an organ than turns into an activation device that logic leaps out of the window and commits suicide. The whole premise of a rocket bursting into the skies and raining the crimson horror over the city seems overblown, another season 7b episode that feels the need to push into cinematic blockbuster territory at its climax when something more subtle and creepy would have sufficed. It results in a typically rushed, frantic and noisy conclusion where the massive cast of the Doctor, Clara, Vestra, Jenny and Strax are completely unnecessary as the melodrama between mother, daughter and parasite unfolds. After the delicious opening half to this episode it is a shame that it should devolve into such irrational chaos. Again this is a result of squeezing a story that needs to exhale into 45 constraining minutes.
• More to the point Mrs Gillyflower’s motivation is strangely absent. Is she simply a nasty piece of work? Is she entirely under the influence of the parasite? Without any reasonable backstory to explain away her actions she remains a mysterious genocidal matriarch with no provocation to behave the way she does.
• I can’t decide whether Mr Sweet’s reveal is memorably extreme or entirely unpersuasive. The idea is nasty enough but the puppetry on offer is hardly as convincing as it might be, especially when the pathetic little creature starts scuttling about on it’s own accord. Loved Ada caning the creature into a gooey mess, though. 
• Lots of familiar musical cues this week. Is Murray Gold running out of inspiration?
• And the climax featuring the two irritating children and their unrealistic detective skills sees the Moffat era attempt to squeeze the entire events of Rose into one minute worth of material. I would have happily have lost a couple of the episodes this year and seen their investigations play out over a much longer period such is the unconvincing nature of this scene. It looks like they are along for the ride in Gaiman’s episode. Let joy be uncontained. ‘We’ll have to tell Dad that our Nanny’s a time traveller!’ Yeah, and then you’ll do a spell in an asylum for letting your imaginations run riot if you think that is a plausible level of blackmail.

The Shallow Bit: Whilst there were some naughty jokes present in this script, the relationship between Jenny and Vestra was toned down a little bit and I’m pleased. Not because I find the idea of a lesbian relationship distasteful (that would be rather hypocritical of me) but because I find the idea of a human and lizard getting it together hard to get my head around. I thought the erection gag with the sonic screwdriver was sublime though, clever enough for the adults to get but subtle enough to pass the kids by.

Result: Stylistically we have never seen anything like this in the revamped series before with some memorably grotesque moments of horror that have leapt straight out of The League of Gentlemen and with some pleasing allusions to The Green Death and The Talons of Weng-Chiang. It’s like vaudeville meets Royston Vasey meets Sherlock Holmes. All very entertaining and with each mad twist and turn, barmy visual and trendy framing device I was ticking off my reference list with increasing glee. The first fifteen minutes were an absolute joy, bringing Madame Vestra, Jenny and Strax back to the fore and for a long while keeping the Doctor out of the action. I thought this was going to be season seven’s Blink or Turn Left. Narratively this was a bit of a mess though, with Gatiss desperately wanting to squeeze in a classic series comedy/horror four parter into forty-five minutes and having to rush through all the important bits so he can get to the fun stuff, preferring the iconic moments over telling a decent story much like his previous effort this year. Whilst it was gorgeously shot, the flashback reveals everything you need to know about the problem with the one episode format, squeezing an entire first episode from the classic into a few minutes worth of stuttering development. The pacing of The Crimson Horror was relentless and it kept throwing new ideas and pleasing images right up until the conclusion so it is easy to be bewitched by its many charms although it climaxes on a brainless confusion of action and leaves quite a few important questions unanswered that shows that the script wasn’t properly scrutinized in the development processes (How did Mrs Gillyflower figure out how to build a rocket? What was her motive for wanting to destroy the human race?). It’s such a massive step up from the disappointment last week that I cannot complain too much, such has the standard been this year that I would happily take shallow but addictive over teeth clenchingly frustrating viewing. The Crimson Horror wears its influences with pride and proves to be a thrilling ride, even if there are a few rough edges that could have been ironed out: 7/10

Listen written by Steven Moffat and directed by Douglas Mackinnon

This story in a nutshell: Probably the hardest Doctor Who story to define in its long history...

Indefinable: Before I saw a lot of potential in Peter Capaldi's gruff and moody Doctor and already this approach is already starting to pay off and astonishingly early in the season too. Listen is ambitious and far reaching in the way it attempts to reveal further shades about the Doctor, not an easy feat given he has been on our screen for fifty years. Facets of the Doctor's dark character are actually perpetuating stories, he's deliberating going looking for answers to the riddle of his psyche. At the end of this season the Doctor will have examined his soul inside and out and will make a perfect Time Lord therapist, perhaps he can set up shop when he gets back home (the long way round). I don't think there has ever been a time when the series has been quite so obsessed with the character of the Doctor himself as it has since Day of the Doctor, and it was pretty self reflective before then. In the wake of Day of the Doctor and Listen some surprising things have been revealed...but can we get back to having him simply materialising and meeting some interesting guest characters please? That hasn't happened in ages. All this self-examination is practically In Treatment: Gallifrey. The Doctor has been running away from himself ever since he thought he destroyed Gallifrey...now he is ready to look inwards and examine the blackness within.

Capaldi is a revelation in this, it is exactly the sort of material he has been waiting for. Not arsing about on rooftops with dinos or having a bitch fight with Robin Hood. Here he has the chance to put those eyes and teeth to sinister use, to get to grips with some intense material and for the mood of the episode to match the dark, ruminative disposition of his Doctor. They go hand in hand this week. Unlike the first three episodes of this season, this is specifically geared to Capaldi's Doctor. There is no way Matt Smith could have played this material with the same intensity. He grins maniacally at the thought of seeing what horrors lie under the bed. 'Have you seen the size of human brain? They're hilarious!' He's a fantastic counterpoint to Clara's assuring behaviour, deliberately going out of his way to disturb young Pink and point out that there is nothing wrong with being scared. You could grow very fond of this Doctor. I wonder if there are any parents out there who are jealous of his Dad skills?  He can't leave even if their lives are in danger because he has to know. Sixie said something similar in The Mysterious Planet. Questions to which I must have an answer. He barks at Clara to get back in the TARDIS - he really reminds me of Colin Baker's Doctor at times. It might be why I like him so much.

Impossible Girl: I am starting to worry that Clara is going to turn out to be the Doctor's mother and daughter one day, in an insane timey wimey twist that sees her fulfilling every role he has ever had in his life. My only real problem with Listen is Clara and how she is still as insubstantial as a character can be...is it any wonder that the story delved into the history of Danny and the Doctor but failed to do the same for Clara. There is nothing significant to be found there beyond a crusty old leaf. It's getting beyond a joke now how slight this companion is, especially since Moffat keeps manoeuvring her into vital points in the Doctor's life. The least substantial companion turns out to be the most important...that's so funny I almost fell off my chair. Clara is now the architect of all things Doctor Who and given her opaqueness that is rather embarrassing for the show. We're being asked to invest in the Clara/Danny relationship when we don't really know anything about either character. In Danny's case that is understandable but in Clara's it is inexcusable. So whilst I could acknowledge the material, nod my head and go 'I see what he's implying there' (about them having a child in the future), I wasn't emotionally invested in it because I haven't gone on a journey with them. It's like peeking at the end of a book. A little humour between the two characters would be a good start. And whilst I acknowledge that Moffat's brain doesn't work this way I would really like to see just one relationship in his tenure playing out naturally with two people meeting and simply getting to know each other, getting on and falling in love. No meeting out of order or daughters travelling back and being their parents best friends or skipping forwards to the future and seeing how it all works out. Not even a simple date can be...well simple in Moffat's hands. Concentrate on the emotional worth of the relationship rather than simply playing clever tricks with it. Then you'll hook your audience.

How thoughtless was her comment to Danny? Any sympathy I might have had with the character vanished in a moment of utter thoughtlessness. There is an easy chemistry between Capaldi and Coleman that is nice to watch which almost (almost...) pushes Clara's flaws to one side (Coleman is that good). Naturally Clara is the one who takes a little boy under his bed and dispels every fear he might have about what is lurking under there. That is because she is impossibly dauntless and brave and never bats an eyelid at anything. I was really hoping there would be something dark, pulsing and unknowable under there to bring her out in a sweat. Even when there is every reason to be petrified (somebody sits on the bed) she is still smiling. Bring back Sarah Jane, she would have still confronted what it was but she would have been terrified with it. I could believe in her. Plus she is repeatedly proven to be smarter and more observant than the Doctor and nobody can get one up on him as often as she does. She's superwoman in practically every way, she's without flaws. It's infuriating. The Doctor sought out the dangers of the universe because Clara told him so...and he chose the TARDIS he end up with because Clara told him so...and he was saved from countless dangers because Clara was there to help him...and he ultimately saved Gallifrey because Clara doesn't believe he could go through with destroying it. She's the ultimate time meddler.

Pinkster: I like Danny. I'm not sure if it's Samuel Anderson's vulnerable performance or simply the fact that Moffat seems to write far more convincingly for male companions than he does female ones but he has done relatively little to win me over and has already succeeded. He's exposed and I really like that in a man and he has a complex emotional past which is ripe for exploiting. He outstrips Clara by a factor of ten in the interest stakes and he has only appeared in cameos in two episodes. He hasn't got much of a sense of humour but I figure that he might lighten up as the season progresses. There's a massive chip on his shoulder (for a very good reason, his personal history is turbulent stretching right back to his childhood) but because of it I feel as if I have gotten to know him rather well already. It makes each smile a victory.

Sparkling Dialogue: 'Question: Why do we talk out loud when we know we're alone? Conjecture: Because we know we're not.'

'What if the breath of something on the back of your neck is something behind you?'

'The room looks different at night. It ticks and creaks and breathes.'

'The TARDIS isn't supposed to come out this far but some idiot turned the safeguards off...'

'It doesn't matter that there is nothing under the bed or in the dark...as long as you know it is okay to be afraid of it.'

The Good:

* I've said it practically every week but it is worth re-iterating...this is my favourite new series TARDIS console by a factor of ten. It feels like a living, pulsating, mood driven cathedral and is wonderfully shot in Listen to capture the aching sadness and rumination that is inherent in the script.

* My Facebook feed has been full of the perplexed exclamations of fans who are desperate to know precisely what the protagonist was in Listen. Horror often leaves its mysteries ambiguous and if I'm honest I sometimes prefer it when it does. When a film or book reveals what has been menacing the heroes in the darkness it rarely manages to be as frightening as what you conjure up in your mind. It is much more scary when you simply cannot get a handle on the nightmare or monster. As much as I find the twist in Hide quite quirky, the episode no longer has any chance to freaking you out on repeat viewings when you know that it was simply two twisted freaks who are looking for love. When a story is this deliberately obscure you have to be sure that you have sufficiently built it up to get under the skin and Moffat achieves that wonderfully in the scene with the cloaked figure on the bed. It might be a child playing tricks. It might be an evil from the dawn of time. It might even be Samantha Mulder revealing where she has been all along. If somebody had thrown that sheet away suddenly a scene that has been butt clenchingly frightening becomes something mundane...why would anybody want that? The ambiguity in Listen is deliberate, the uncertainty there to frighten (or frustrate those who like tidy answers) and for me it worked a treat.

* I big poke in the eye to cynics like me who have suggested (perhaps with some evidence in the past half season or so) that Murray Gold no longer has anything to offer the show. Listen goes someway to providing a counter argument and is the best score in ages. It's ambient mood music all the way, barely drawing attention to itself and being all the more sinister for it.

* Can you imagine getting out of bed at night and a hand grabbing your foot from under the bed? Just put yourself in that position for a moment. Anybody that says they wouldn't scream like a baby is big fat liar. Imagine going to get a glass of water in the middle of the night and coming back and finding a cloaked figure sitting on your bed? I'm wondering if these scares are little too subtle for children...but I bet there were plenty of adults sitting there in a cold sweat. The idea that your own imagination and paranoia can make the most innocuous of noises take on a very sinister meaning is a startling one. It is something we do all the time.

* Where has Douglas Mackinnon been hiding these directing skills? I'll be fair his debut story had some very impressive action sequences in it but if I'm honest parts of The Sontaran Stratagem/The Poison Sky felt as though they needed tightening up. The Power of Three was quirkily brought to the screen but never really went for the scares. Cold War seemed entirely unsuited to Mackinnon's style, the claustrophobic that was required failed to ignite and story seemed to plod along with relatively little atmosphere or chills. Then Listen comes along. Every scene moodily lit and filmed. Effortless scene transitions. Slow reveals of scares and a camera that is willing to hold on reaction shots and frightening images for a period that unsettles. Half the battle with a horror is how it is realised and this is the work of a suspense magician. Who knew this was what Mackinnon was capable of?

* Moffat managed to wrong foot me completely at one point. I genuinely thought that the Doctor had invaded Clara's meal in a spacesuit just because he was in a bit of a playful mood. I never expected for the visor to be removed and for Danny to be the occupant. Nicely played.

* There is a disquieting atmosphere to the scenes set on the last planet in the universe. It is a location that manages to be eerie just because it is so quiet. It reminded me of the Library in that respect. Not a breath or sliver or a click or a tick. This is the silence at the end of time.

* Sometimes Moffat's timey-wimeyness can yield some effective results and Clara seeing that the words she chose for young Rupert Pink having a profound effect for the next 100 years (the toy still being carried by his ancestor) is a great example. It is rather touching.

The Bad:

* If the nature of the threat is imaginary...does that mean it is our own imaginations that we should fear? That is a really scary idea that fell to the wayside. The fact that I am asking profound questions of this nature about a Saturday night show scheduled against The X-Factor is something to be celebrated though.

* If evolution were to create a creature that could hide from view...if? I thought that was the Silence?

* I feared that Moffat may had become so obsessed with trying to scare his audience that he had forgotten how to do it. The early scenes in the TARDIS, whilst beautifully realised, are trying so hard to understand the nature of fear that they almost spoil the chance for the audience experience it. Talking about why people are afraid doesn't cut it...that's taking the educational approach to shitting somebody up. You have to dump these characters in genuinely fearful situations, which is precisely what Moffat does when the ruminations require answers. Brilliantly, none of the questions pondered in the opening ten minutes are given a satisfactory response. And that's what Moffat was getting at.

* Some pretty dodgy 'let's pretend to be having a nice chat with our dinner' acting going on in the background to the restaurant scenes. Check it out.

* Companions having babies together? Haven't we covered that already?

* I'm in too minds about Moffat continually mythologizing the Doctor and putting his own stamp on his past. There are some things that don't need to be shown and the Doctor's childhood is one of them. Do we really need to know that he was a big cry baby that didn't want to join the army? Does that in any way enhance the character? It strikes me as trying a little too hard to play God and make a lasting impact long after he has gone. If Moffat was a braver writer he should have had his older self storm out of the TARDIS and treat his younger self just like he did Rupert Pink. Give him a slap around the chops (Blinovitch be damned) and tell him that everything he is afraid of is real and waiting to be fought. Instead Clara gets the honours, which strikes me as giving one assistant far too much influence over his timeline. The scene is well done in of itself (I especially loved it when she grabbed his foot) but I question whether this kind of self-aggrandising mythology was needed in Listen.

The Shallow Bit: When it comes to looks, Clara and Danny are just about the hottest couple to have appeared on Doctor Who. Nobody would ever pip Polly and Ben for me though.

Result: 'Fear makes companions of all of us...' The most complex, baffling, thoughtful and frustrating Doctor Who story since Ghost Light, Listen practically defies explanation and will leave viewers as thrilled as it will irritated. I rather like that, it is Doctor Who pushing the boundaries again and not rejecting Hollywood concessions for the audience. Listen expects some people to be appalled. And others to be aghast at the liberties it takes. And others to be bowled over by its exploration of the unknown. Listen deliberately asks more questions than it answers which is bound to cause a portion of the Doctor Who fan base (who like to tidy away everything into boxes - take the subject of canon for example) to self ignite. It is basically four vignettes that are only tenuously linked; the first set piece being a take on the Russell T. Davies era (a date in a restaurant that goes disastrously wrong specifically reminds me of Boom Town), the second a mix of The Girl in the Fireplace (something under the bed), Blink/The Eleventh Hour (open/close your eyes and something nasty will happen), the third a riff on Midnight (a claustrophobic attack in an SF setting by something unknown) and then finally a reproduction of The Name of the Doctor (Clara playing a vital role in the Doctor's past). While none of these sketches are prototypal, this time Moffat has taken inspiration from the best of New Who and lumps them all together in one episode. I still think he is creatively bankrupt in his twilight years but Listen manages to sum up the best of NuWho in a very satisfying, cohesive way. And isn't Peter Capaldi superb? Whilst the individual set pieces all work for me in their own right (I have a few reservations about the one set on Gallifrey but the reveal that the little boy is the Doctor is expertly done), Moffat is still having trouble structuring a narrative. Or maybe that was the idea...an incoherent narrative to accentuate the obscurity of the threat and the lack of answers. To deny the viewer any of things they expect from television.  Listen chugs along moodily...and then just stops as disquietingly as the material that has just played out. The quality of the writing does suggest that Moffat has been filling a role that doesn't suit him, wasting his time structuring seasons and doing an endless roll call of openers and finales when he is much better at concentrated, standalone adventures. It is trying to be more cerebral and philosophical than your average Saturday night fare (Primeval it aint), intelligent material like this should be commended and encouraged. It's taking an intellectual approach to exploring fear so it never reaches the anxiety levels of Midnight, which was very much an emotional exploration of the same idea, and that exposes the major difference in Moffat and Davies' writing. One is discussing what makes things frightening and the other is simply frightening. You decide which approach you prefer. Exquisitely shot, full of strong ideas and trying to say something vital about the titular character, Listen is the best standalone episode since Hide and if we could only write off Clara in a hideous accident it would score even higher. Had this been original it would have been an absolute classic: 8/10