The Worst Thing in the World written by Dave Stone and directed by Ed Salt

What’s it about: The Drome was set up with the best - or at least the most blatantly venal - of intentions. A self-contained planetoid-community, wired with microcams, designed to pump out product to the GalNet media-stream twenty-six hours a Galactic Standard Day. But now the Medium is rotting minds and turning them to murder. The machine is turning out brain-dead zombies, setting them to stumble through the twists and turns of some inhuman and unguessable plan - and Professor Bernice Summerfield, and her ex-husband Jason, are caught in the middle of it! Now Benny finds herself in a desperate fight for her life. A fight so desperate that she will be forced to do something she has never done before, a horror that she never imagined she could bring herself to commit. The worst thing in the world

Archeological Adventuress: Does she prefer things that are up her street or down her alley? Bernice has responsibilities now and cannot just go blundering off to investigate every murder that she happens to hear about. Benny was expecting the Drome to be something bigger and more impressive than it is. She hates meaningless soulless television that makes no sense and so she opts for a costume drama because nothing happens in those that you haven’t seen a thousand times before. This could be the only story where Benny could get away with the line ‘Time to be off investigating various plots and what-nots!’ as a parody of her own adventures!

Jason (bloody) Kane: Xenomorphic bondage slaves Part Thirty Seven is Jason’s latest holovid porn work of genius!

Standout Performance: All the performers acquit themselves wonderfully in the TV show parodies and it gives Lisa Bowerman and Stephen Fewell a chance to have great fun playing some very un-Benny’n’Jason roles.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘If all else fails we simply let the camera crews wander around and put out the footage as a fly on the wall docu-soap!’
‘You know I never knew that worms actually couldn’t cower.’
‘How could you even think that the worst and most product hungry cable channel would pick up something like that?’ – obviously Benny hasn’t spent much time channel hopping during her visits to the 20th Century!

Great Ideas: The opening gives us a snatch of the daytime soap Squatsaboullon Street and it seems that there is ‘drama’ out there that can manage more outrageous plot twists than Eastenders: ‘I’m having a baby! And it isn’t mine!’ Ex pop artist Mandy Tee talks about her new daughter Pixie Astroflash (somehow the Beckham’s naming their latest child Harper-Seven like some 2001 A Space Odyssey robot makes this celebrity piss take even funnier!) and her latest single is ‘Pumping out your baby of love!’ The Drome is a self contained ecosphere dedicated to holovid entertainment products in a concentrated form. Its an entire self contained community populated with performers and technicians under contract living in homes that can double up as sets – what an creatively appalling concept! The amount of slots to fill is phenomenal and there are so many opportunities to roll over the existing archive material (are you listening BBC?). We hear about shows as exciting as Frock and Fanny (a period drama) and Whose Stool Is This? A transputer system runs everything and the Drome in effect is just something for this awesome system to do – it could be the basis for the first true God grade artificial intelligence. Things are breaking down and the actors are taking their parts too far, in a Life on Mars parody the Gene Hunt character kicks the shit out of Jason and in the Pride and Prejudice style period piece the Darcy and Elisabeth Bennett characters literally rip each others clothes off and have full on penetrative sex! People in monsters costumes are actually becoming monsters and fake cables are becoming live! A cookery/gardening show reveals how you can make good use of dismembering somebody and using the various parts a ingredients and compost! The Infinity Division is still running but the production values haven’t improved over time as they’re going for the camp value and wobbly scenery sort of nostalgia! When a parody of a Bernice Summerfield adventure becomes a fly on the wall docudrama (‘Jason’s been stabbed!’) things are getting very clever indeed. Can you imagine anything more terrifying than the Feminist Lesbian Alliance Against Derogatory Stereotyping (or FLAADS for short)? A singularity hit the planet Earth in the 21st Century and radically altered the way the reality was perceived. The self enclosed nature of the Drome has replicated that process, reproduced those same condition in microcosm and something has taken control of that process. The actors and technicians are being fed subliminal messages and controlling them like puppets. Marvin is a sentient entity that has been getting creative and using his influence to control people, he is literally the first God grade artifical intelligence and he is living up to his function to provide entertainment even at the cost of human life. The story has to have an ending otherwise Marvin wont be satisfied and so Benny figures the best way to force a climax is…with a closing number! So just when you think the story is going devolve into a normal Bernice Summerfield adventure complete with slavering zombies she bursts into song! What would a parody of any Big Finish adventure be without a cameo from Gary Russell at the end! If you are exposed to too much television you never think that there is a wider world outside.

Audio Landscape: A shuttle landing, a chain saw, polite applause and rapturous applause!

Musical Cues: This story is less about the sound effects and more about the music which does far more to indicate the sort of genres we are switching to. David Darlington gets to have great fun creating a large number of theme tunes for the outrageous shows being shown on the Drome. His daytime soap theme is lift muzak in the extreme whereas the detective drama Wembley is pure 70s sleaze. Cod instrumental music opens the latest period drama and there is a xylophone and glockenspiel in evidence to open a patronising kids comedy. A clichéd alien b movie score introduces the retro sci-fi and an appalling jingle indicates the latest quiz show. Bombastic (almost militaristic) music kick starts a cultural affairs show (‘Does the portrayal of simplified characters on the holovid screen contribute to a rise in culture of dehumanisation?’).

Standout Scene and The Worst Thing In The World: It's the song that gets the most praise here too: a piece of horrific chirpiness that shatters your faith in humanity the first time you hear it and yet gets stuck in your head for WEEKS. Shockingly, after a couple of listens you start to enjoy it. Annoyingly, you start to sing it around work. People ask you why you keep singing a song about butterflies and cake. You lose friends. You spend your life in misery and despair. Thanks Dave. No I'm kidding... it's great. A truly shocking piece of entertainment. And God Bless Lisa Bowerman who sings it with such skilful enthusiasm.

‘Well I really have to say, as I wembed my weary way, through the world I find the going really hard…’
‘And that's the truth!’
‘All the people that I meet, filled with lies hate and deceit are forever trying to cheat with a marked card…’
‘Say it ain't so!’
‘But whenever I'm low and despair were to go, there's just one thing sure to pull me through…’
‘What's that then?’
‘With a little bit of luck and not a little perseverance there is something that anyone can dooo-ooooo’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘(And cake!)’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘(Yes Sir!)’
‘Faced with diseased rats and people puking in their hats... it's really not the kind of place to be! (No! No!)’
‘My advice, if you want to keep things nice and fill the world with jollity and glee!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘And if we're obliterous and just well kind of fluffy just think of the fun that we could make?’
‘And we're never gonna kill some poor sod with a big hammer 'cause you know just what we'll do’
‘HIT IT!’
(Instrumental)
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy, happy place!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy, happy, happy place!’
‘Yes we're putting our faaaa-aaaace, in a happy, happy, happy place!’
‘Yes we're putting our face, in a happy, happy, happy, happy plaaaaaaaacccccceeeeee!’

If you dare listen to the track, it can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXsuA2liSIo

Result: ‘I think we could all do with a fun adventure that doesn’t really relate to anything else!’ A welcome change of pace from the first two adventures and a scathing commentary on the sheer tediousness of the television media as it stands that just happens to be hysterically funny in the bargain. The concept behind the Drome is frighteningly prescient (can anybody say Welsh Drama Village?) as well just plain frightening, the actors are clearly having a riot and the parodies of various shows (and Stone’s commentaries on them) had me laughing my head off! It’s the best kind of comedy because its smart and it all leads up to Bernice grabbing a microphone and singing an unforgettable number that subdues some zombies and turns them all into backing dancers! The basic moral of the story is that people should be people and not plot functions within a fictional reality I cannot imagine a better moral than that! If this season continues with the sort of quality it has displayed so far it will be the strongest year for Bernice Summerfield yet. Go on, put yourself in a happy place filled with butterflies and cake: 9/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/73-Bernice-Summerfield-The-Worst-Thing-In-The-World

Timeless Passages written by Daniel O’Mahony and directed by John Ainsworth

What’s it about: For years the great Labyrinth of Kerykeion has been home to one of the largest libraries of human incunabula in the galaxy. Here, otherwise lost volumes are all carefully preserved. From tomorrow, it's under new management. Professor Bernice Summerfield is sent to acquire some of the rarest books for the Braxiatel Collection before the new corporate owners bulldoze their way in. She's hoping for a quiet time searching the archives. Some chance. Soon she's investigating a horrible murder, and is caught up in a last-ditch scheme to save the entire library. There's a vicious, insane killer cyborg on Benny's heels. And then ancient subterranean powers begin to stir.

Archeological Adventuress: Bernice might have made a bad impression what with her drinking wine on the trip but she is good with babies and she proves so by shushing Jean’s tears away with compliments. Benny actually calls Bev her boss now so it would appear she has stepped into the vacuum left by Braxiatel and she has sent our esteemed Professor on a wild goose chase. She’s a shameless swinger and leaving her diary for a lot of other books. Saying some like ‘don’t go down into the lower levels for your own good’ is like saying ‘don’t eat that steak’ to a man who has been fasting for a week. As soon as Bernice discovers an ancient helmet she immediately wonders if it is going to start glowing and contain an alien intelligence because she knows exactly how her life goes with things like things…but it turns out its being used a s a rusty flowerpot. Nazis have done much worse things than burn books, she says and it’s a gorgeous touch of continuity. Bernice feels that the library is a little too…human and thinks that there are plenty of non human cultures whose works of literature need to be saved too. Spool wants Benny to convince Bev to buy the whole library but it is just too big an acquisition and she can only salvage the books she has been sent to collect. She instead opts for trying to convince Bev to buy the planet. Since she will be stuck waiting for the Adjudicators to arrive and scrutinize Wolfe’s death Bernice figures she might as well do what she does best and investigate. She’s a big fan of Occams Razor, if you have a murder committed by a knife wielding maniac and then a psychotic android turns up waving bloody great spikes you’ve at least got a chief suspect! For the next few days after she leaves the library she will just have her diary and her thoughts for company just like the old days.

Standout Performance: An astonishing performance from Lisa Bowerman who has to hold this incredibly intricate story together with her sheer force of Bernice’s humanity. The script paints Benny in a fantastic light and as a result Benny guides the script through its many twists and turns and makes the whole thing blissfully coherent. Bowerman has always been one of my favourites but here she is beyond compare.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘How can you own a planet? You can’t. All you can own is a bit of paper saying you own a planet!’
‘Books are little theatres of memory and everything here will be forgotten.’
‘I’ve got your scent! I’ve got your stink! Run all you like my knives will have your nice skins!’
‘There’s nothing wrong with my hearing you quivering old fart!’
‘The writing side wins history.’
‘Don’t you ever shut up?’ – clever, clever.

Great Ideas: The Library on Kerykeion is home to one of the largest collection of human publications outside of Earth and Bernice is heading there to buy up what she can for the Collection. Unfortunately she manages to insult the man who owns the planet before even setting foot on it. Most of the library is underground and can I say as somebody who pretty much gets off on a good bookshop (we have a second hand one in Eastbourne that is on four levels and has books piled floor to ceiling throughout and it is like a treasure trove just explore one corner – I could spend days in there, in fact I have!) this is one of the most appealing concepts I have heard yet – a labyrinth of dusty old books! The books that Bernice flicks through about gay Bulgaria (‘bet it doesn’t live up to its name’) or by Robert Dalek (‘Bet he changed his name’) are great. There is over 200 million rare and valuable books in the library that are going to be destroyed and Benny is only taken 200 or so. What a waste! Books are memory – our ancestors started writing things down so they didn’t have to remember them and all those stories and myths made remembering things so much easier. Words in a literate culture are a form of power because they state who owns what. TeknoCult could store the entire contents of the labyrinth on the inside of a ball bearing. They collect human texts not because they are parochial but because humanity is very good at trying to forget its past and rewrite its memories to flatter its present (‘the memory cheats’). Bernice discovers Wolfe all over the room – in chunks! Wolfe dismissed his legal team not long before his death and Bernice wonders if this is an attempt by Spool to hold of the destruction of the library. The Idolons have been there since the library was founded, they are preservers and the idea of the library means something to them. The psychotic knight that chases Benny around the library is a fantastic character and he adds a welcome touch of camp humour to an otherwise intellectual enterprise. Hermione wants to branch out and go for manuscripts, electronica, tablets, ogonbolcs and all the other ways that humans wrote things down. Bernice suggests a wider approach, to extend their library beyond Earth to inhabited planets that humans have never seen, Dyson Spheres, World Ships, langtubes, zero spaces and things eh can’t even imagine but she has been to. The structure of the library doesn’t just preserve books, it preserves bodies as well and that was its original purpose. Jean is dying with a disease that chews away at her bones and when she cries that is the sound it makes. Wolfe came to the library because he wanted to heal her condition because he knows what the original function of the building is and from midnight the whole planet belongs to Jean. Bernice is the one who figures out that the building is a time machine, the labyrinth extends in different directions through time as well as space and once you are off the safe paths you can wind up anywhere – past or future. That’s how they have been able to save so many books because they have been able to link up with other structures throughout history. Turns out the person who woke up Benny…was Benny and she left her in the corridor to be found by her earlier self. And even better Hermione turns out to be Jean from the future – save the best surprise for last.

Audio Landscape: John Ainsworth uses Simon Robinson’s sound effects sparingly and so they make far more of an impact. When intelligent discussion is abroad the atmospherics are pulled back but that only serves to make scenes like Bernice’s rude awakening by running footsteps and Jean crying all the more unnerving. Opening a bottle of wine, an intercom, baby Jean crying, Bernice scratching in her diary, pouring wine, banging on Bernice’s door, scraping stone, stomping footsteps, the creaking sounds of the statues, the camp electronics of the knight (meep! meep!), Bernice sends the android to the bottom of the lift shaft and you can hear him scrambling back up (once he has found his legs), dripping water, Benny treading water in the pools, the androids insane scream is horrible.

Standout Scene: Impossible to choose. This story is that good.

Result: Atmospheric and intelligent, this is a blisteringly good audio for the Bernice Summerfield range and raises the bar for how good a non-arc tale can be. The story is told on a tiny scale but much of the dialogue is transcendent and the discussion of knowledge and preserving culture really appealed to the bibliophile in me. However this isn’t all dry discussion; Bernice is at her desperate best, there is a psychotic android on the loose that is trying to kill everybody (he’s just vile but very funny with it) and there is the mystery of the Idolons to solve. It’s a massively evocative piece with Simon Robinson more than making up for some lacklustre productions last year and John Ainsworth giving the whole piece a very polished, stylish feel. Daniel O’Mahony brings a touch of class to the range with his faultless script and I hope it isn’t long before he returns to the series. The way he has of allowing his concepts to grow organically within the story revealing new facets all the time took my breath away. Quite my favourite story since The Masquerade of Death and it works for all the same reasons; its creative, surprising and hugely engaging. Lisa Bowerman said in my interview with her that this is one of her all time favourites and its easy to see why: 10/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/72-Bernice-Summerfield-Timeless-Passages

Robophobia written and directed by Nicholas Briggs

What’s it about: Nothing has ever been officially confirmed, but there is a rumour that on a Sandminer, bound for Kaldor City, the robots somehow turned homicidal and nearly wiped out the entire crew. Can that really be true? The robot transport ship Lorelei has a cargo of over 157,000 robots on board, all deactivated. So even if there were any truth in the rumour of that massacre, there'd still be no danger. Surely, there wouldn't... But then, the Doctor witnesses a murder

The Real McCoy: Forgive me for a moment of unrestrained hyperbole...I love the seventh Doctor travelling on his own! I don’t know why (it might be a strange alignment of planets that just happens to coincide with his solo releases) but whenever Sylvester McCoy is stripped of his companions he gives the most naturalistic and charming of performances. It happened in Master and again in Valhalla and Robophobia is another score for the solo seventh Doctor. He’s cheeky and witty but also devious and manipulative (look at his terrorising eyes reaching out from the cover) and all the while doesn’t seem to forget his humanistic side. It’s a bewitching mix that sees McCoy at his best. I am genuinely thrilled to that there will be two more McCoy stories after this (after a little stop gap for some Colin and Nicola magic) and I never thought the day would come when I said that. Listen to the way McCoy growls out the answers at the end of episode two…he is positively terrifying.

The Doctor cleverly goes straight for the one person on the transport ship who gave a damn about Tal and puts the idea in her head that there might be something worth investigating. He’s like a creepy little pixie wandering around the ship whispering in people’s ears and watching the action unfold. When asked why he is dressed like he is he answers it is a look they are trying out in the Engineering Deck! Appearance as he often finds himself reminding so many people are deceptive. For all Liv knows the Doctor is a glorified villain like Taren Capel and his actions in activating a robot army certainly paint him in the same colours. What the hell is he up to I was thinking and that is a lovely feeling to have. Ironically enough the mysterious playing of chess championed by Andrew Cartmel was completely absent from his Lost Story season but makes a chilling recovery in this tale. Everything is always his fault and he’s quite used to the insinuation. In many ways he is quite like a human and in many more ways he’s not. He managed to kick in his respiratory bypass system when the robot tried to throttle the life out of him and he loosens his collar to show off the bruises. Its like he knows all the answers but wants them to find out for themselves. He’s rather fond of robots because they are helpful, polite and sophisticated and killing them all would be little short of genocide. I love the scene where he talks to Farel and tells him that the thing his wife and he have in common is that a robot killed them. He manages to subdue the villain by understanding his grief and its devastating. When asked if he usually guesses his way through his adventures the Doctor states that he has been watching human beings for a very long time. Even better is the Doctor breaking the rules to go back in time just a tad to get the robots to change the course of the ship…only to discover that in an incredibly humanistic move they have already changed the course, sacrificing themselves to save their masters.

Surrogate Assistant: I’m very keen on Nicola Walker (no not like that) and have been waiting for her to appear in Doctor Who for quite some time. She doesn’t disappoint and is thrown into the companion role in the absence of an assistant for the Doctor. You are waiting for Liv to say that she was having a relationship with Tal but because she falters so much on just telling the Doctor that he was nice reveals all you need to know about the personal relationships (or lack of) on this ship. The very idea of robots running amok never occurred to her so to hear about the cover up of the incident on the Sandminer frightens the hell out of her especially since they are carrying 157,000 robots on board! Liv thought the Doctor was dead even after she had a conversation with him – not very flattering! She gets the measure of the Doctor’s game quickly enough and says she is sick of all his hints and clues and that she wants him to just tell them what is going on. When he is arrested he whispers further directions to her, using her like an instrument to do his dirty work whilst he is incarcerated.

Standout Performance: A strong cast for sure with Doctor Who stalwarts Dan Starkey and Toby Hadoke turning in lovely performances. I was trying to figure out throughout which one of them was responsible for this robot massacre and for the most part I was swayed by the former so imagine my surprise when it was the latter!

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Even on huge soulless ships like this lasting bonds are formed.’
‘The Sandminer where everyone’s worst nightmares came true…’
‘The real drama isn’t the robots wiping out the humans. The real drama is the humans wiping out the robots…’
‘And so the drama continues…’ purrs the Doctor with a chuckle. Could he be any more frighteningly enigmatic?
‘Please do not fire your weapon, it is dangerous’
‘Why has SV10 been deactivated and decapitated?’
‘This culture is very lucky to share its existence with creatures as selfless as you.’

Great Ideas: Opening with a murder and the attempted strangulation of the Doctor, Robophobia certainly doesn’t waste time getting to the exciting bits! A robotic scientist is murdered, hit with some considerable force. The Doctor reveals just in the nick of time that there is a bomb in the cargo bay and the reason that he knows is because he rigged up robot bay 117 for robot activation. After their activation the Captain doesn’t order them back to their slumber so they are simply walking about the place, fixing things, like the walking dead. The Doctor activated the robots to protect them. Robots are faultlessly obedient unless tampered with. Tal was working for the Kaldor City Company and they wanted the Sandminer business hushed up in case there were any fanatical followers of Capel’s out there. I love how the murderer uses the hysteria of the Sandminer incident to terrify the crew into thinking the robots are attacking – such a clever use of continuity. The real danger on this ship is robophobia and that a whole civilisation could be crippled by an irrational fear. Farel wanted a disaster that the authorities couldn’t hush up, he is robophobic and wanted everybody to realise their true horror and dressed up as robot to kill people. He plans to crash the transport ship into Ventalis so the robots would be blamed. Farel couldn’t accept that there was nobody to blame for his wife’s death and so he blamed the robots.

Audio Landscape: Hurrah for Nicholas Briggs for only slightly modulating the robot voices so we can understand what they are saying! I think its quite cleverly done actually because although they are clearly robotic there is a strong enough human sounding voice there to give you the willies – Briggs has managed to give me the same chills via audio as the TV series did with its images. The transport ship screaming through space, the Doctor opening up his umbrella, alarm sounding, the explosion ripping through the cargo bay, the robot bays opening up and their footsteps as they advance, banging on the door, the ship tearing into the sun and being destroyed.

Musical Cues: Its been ages since I last heard a piano score as good as this. When watching Tal’s murder at a robots hands there is a Dudley Simpson style heartbeat score that bubbles in the background. There are lots of pacy musical cues as the story progresses from one exciting set piece to another but this time Robertson saved the best for last and the final scene is scored to send the robots off with maximum emotion. Listen to the second bonus track - Doctor Who music doesn't get better than this.

Standout Scene: Whilst the audience will have figured out by this point that somebody is posing as a robot to kill the humans and whip a fever of robophobia but the way in which the murderer maintains the pretence until the last possible moment, keeping his voice level and polite whilst he strangles the Doctor is really scary.

Notes: To get all listeners up to scratch who might not have seen The Robots of Death the opening scene recounts the events of that tale (skewed a little bit for historical purposes!).

Result: Nicholas Briggs is a clever bastard and no mistake. For a while now I have been questioning the importance of bringing back so many old monsters at the expense of providing us with any new ones and this latest drama – Robophobia – seemed to be another pointless return of an old foe. But in exactly the same way The Feast of Axos reversed the roles of the villains and the heroes it takes the elements you would expect to trick you into thinking it will a replica of the Tom Baker story and then turns the whole situation on its head with gleeful surprise. I really like that, using audiences expectations against them. What’s more this is a story that keeps you guessing throughout and that is rare thing too. The plot is quite thin but you are slowly inched in the right direction with teasing hints and it pleases me to say that the 7th Doctor, grand orchestrator of all plots, is on board to direct the story. Sylvester McCoy is superb in this tale, one of his strongest ever performances as the Doctor and Nicola Walker makes a great foil – if McCoy was this good all the time I would be clamouring for more stories with him. The combination of Nicholas Briggs and Jamie Robertson continues to produce magic (the score in particular is again very memorable) although my one complaint would be that the story wasn’t quite as claustrophobic as I would have hoped. But I’ll happily skip over the lack of a stifling atmosphere (especially when there are plenty of exciting bits as the story progresses) for the surprising, thoughtful tone this tale adopts when I was expecting nothing but clichés. The best release since Axos: 8/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/149-Doctor-Who-Robophobia

The Tartarus Gate written by Stewart Sheargold and directed by John Ainsworth

What’s it about: Benny is missing, having not returned from a dig. Kidnapped expertly. Removed from time and space completely. Jason, of course, uses every means at his disposal to find her. But resources are limited: the Braxiatel Collection has its own far more urgent problems. Then he receives information on her possible whereabouts, from a benevolent religious order known as the CroSSScape.
Why is Benny on the planet Cerebus Iera, a planet on the cliff-edge of the universe? A planet that is known to be violent, dangerous, and uninhabitable. A planet rumoured to have links to the Tartarus Gate, the mythical gateway to hell.

Archeological Adventuress: Bernice is delighted that her latest mission has gone so well she is being sent home with ten bottles of the good stuff – champers! She has a specially recorded message in case anybody finds her diary (include an extra special one for Jason who is warned that if he reads any further he wont get any naughties for a very long time…). Kidnapped by the CroSScape, Benny is forced to live out one perfect day after another in a perfect beach environment but she isn’t allowed to interact with it, just observe. Usually when she enjoys herself that frustrates the villain into some sort of action. Considering she has previously had a Goddess inside her head (The Squire’s Crystal) it makes perfect sense that the CroSScape would want to use Bernice as the vessel for their God once it has been released from hell. They really needed somebody like Bernice in Star Trek The Next Generation as she unleashes all the lashings of her tongue on the jurisdiction blinded 137 (‘Bloody bollocking authoritarian crap!’).

Jason (bloody) Kane: Jason is needed on the Collection now as a minder for Peter since Bernice has gone missing. Bev has put him in charge of the errant weather control systems. Because he is a man of this universe he has come to distrust kindness for its own rewards but it does exist. It is her natural reaction to resist idiocies that has allowed her to complicate the conversion of her mind to the higher dimensions. Jason has spent some time in another universe so his bio chemistry has been adapted…if it doesn’t work pouring God into Bernice’s head they will turn to him as the vessel instead. After stepping through a broiling mass of ickiness Jason proclaims it to be the most disgusting thing he has ever done but then remembers certain sex acts he has performed in his time. Jason has the choice to have his memories back that he chooses but he opts for them all, even the sadism inflicted on him by his father and his manipulation by Braxiatel. He wouldn’t be lovable old cynic Jason Kane without them. He realises that Brax made him kill – during the incident with the mirror and the Pupura Pawn.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Why would they want to open it? Surely no ones that stupid!’ – I’m really glad somebody asked that question about opening the gates to hell!
‘We’re sorry Professor Summerfield but we must have our God back and to achieve that you must be sent through the Gate…to Hell.’
‘Who knows what happens when you fiddle with Hell!’

Great Ideas: Joseph is back and cuter than ever! He’s like a counselling device and a chief negotiator all rolled into one (when their latest lead on Benny agrees to help on principle and not profit he notes ‘how charming!’). When Joseph’s systems ping it is never a good sign. The CroSScape religious order have stripped the mind from the body and live in their datascape, a realm of pure mind, like a gestalt. Unfortunately they still need their bodies to facilitate communication with other races. They own a factory that has temporal properties and they offer its services to civilisations that face extinction events because it can regress them to a time before the catastrophe and allows for life to continue. Whilst they were regressing the fortunes of Cerebus Iera they came across and anomaly which turned out to be Bernice’s diary. It is a particular function of their datascape that they can transfer from one point to another instantaneously if there is a CroSScape member at the other end to act as a conduit. Cerebus Iera is next to an inexplicability and ships that try to pass the planet cannot as though there is a barrier there – some state that it is at the edge of the universe. 137 is from Control, the Government agency that controls this region of Federation space – they have been suspicious of the CroSScape for some time because nobody saves planets out of the goodness of their hearts. They think they have found the infamous Tartarus Gate which nobody ever believed was real. On Earth the Tartarus myth was wrapped up in Greek mythology as the lowest region of the world, a dank pit of horrors. It existed in the Underworld as a punishment for sinners and later stories claimed it was a prison for defeated Gods. A year ago a box appeared in the datascape and they couldn’t open it, someone in the gestalt suggested it might be a message from their God and he could open it for them. Somehow they deduced that he was imprisoned in hell and they’ve been using the factory to search out the hidden gate to free him. Occasionally some good does come from dating an archaeologist – Cerebus sounds like Cerebus the three headed dog that guarded the gate to hell (‘as usual follow the mythological clues!’). The box has been draining energy from the datascape and the CroSScape have been using some of the discarded energy during planetary regression to replace the lost power. Ingenious and illegal, stealing a planets energy for themselves. When all their efforts to open the box failed it was the factory that suggested they look for the Gate, it is sentient and the datascape regulates but at the same time it feeds the datascape with information. It is their eyes and ears sucking in the outside world and pouring it into their realm. They are trying regress Cerebus Iera to a point where the Gate was last open just long enough for their God to escape through. There is trade when their God inhabits Bernice and that is her mind which will be freed and exist within the datascape. The factory has been downloading parts of herself into La’Heyne for years as a mouthpiece but she is much more than that now…she can free herself from the constraints of that hypocritical order and when she control of the God she will be in charge. Jason is in the uncomfortable position of fluctuating between different universes – ouch! There are suggestions that Brax isn’t himself but a darker version – I wonder if this will lead anywhere.

Audio Landscape: Intercom system informing Bernice she is late for her shuttle, birdsong, transferring into the datascape, lightning cracking through the sky, gently lapping waves, the robotic overlapping of voices inside the CroSScape, Bernice literally sounds as though she is being torn in two as she is broken into the datascape, the nightmarish landscape for hell full of insane echoing laughter and creatures 9they sound a little like the fireflies from an earlier season), falling rubble, the bubbling mess that Jason goes through, the screaming winds as the planet is sucked through the gate, La’Hayne being eaten by one of the creatures, seagulls, 137 crashing his ship into the CroSScape factory is extremely destructive, the time shifts are represented in a number of ways including slowly down the actors voices which is very effective, the unleashing of the God and the destruction of the CroSScape is genuinely epic to listen to, Bernice being reconstructing through her dialogue from this story makes for an incredible set piece.

Musical Cues: With David Darlington back in the driving seat you can expect a swishy musical score and a fulsome audio soundscape and that is exactly what you get. Aside from The Crystal of Cantus the productions last year felt a little amateurish in their construction but this rectified here. Bernice Summerfield once again sounds like it should, at the top of its audio game. I love the oddly discordant vocals as the CroSScape try and convert Benny into their way of life.

Notes: Its completely irrelevant to the story itself but I love the new packaging for the series – the covers look far more sophisticated with the new worlds design and the inside information on the residents of the Collection fills me with hope that we will be seeing more of them. Adrian Salmon is still designing the covers of course and his gloriously unique artwork is still at the top of its game.

Result: A confident and cleverly written opening story for season seven, The Tartarus Gate is oddly one of the first Bernice Summerfield stories that feels less like an adventure tale and more like hard science fiction and its surprising how well it makes the transition. I remember the first time I listened to this story I was appalled that it was so different from how I expect this series to be but that turns out to be a real strength after last year saw the range flagging in its previous state. There a wealth of strong ideas in play and the strong dialogue and characterisation keeps them manageable, the ideas keep growing until there are two factions looking for the same God with Benny and Jason at either side of the conflict as their respective mouthpieces. There are moments of humour dotted about and the production is far more assured than anything last year (technically this is faultless) but what I enjoyed most was the evolving script bristling with intelligent imagination. If this is an indication of what the series is going to be like in new hands sign me up: 8/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/71-Bernice-Summerfield-The-Tartarus-Gate

Earth Aid written by Ben Aaronovitch and directed by Ken Bentley

What’s it about: Welcome aboard the space vessel Vancouver. Its mission: to guard a vast shipment of grain from Earth to the planet Safenesthome. Its Captain is called Ace. She seems a little unsure of herself. In fact, some might almost think she was new to the job... Its medical officer is called simply ‘The Doctor’, and he’s perhaps not all he seems either. When mysterious ships target the Vancouver, Ace and the Doctor are pushed to the limit. Meanwhile, there’s something nasty in the grain containers. And it’s not very happy

The Real McCoy: The Doctor suggests that Shepstay is a little too melodramatic in her approach to situations for his tastes so obviously he has forgotten that he used to travel about with an emotional firework called Mel. The Doctor thinks that Raine is quite charming. Can you believe the Doctor actually weakens under the barrage of Metatraxi insults? Big wuss.

Safe Cracker: Raine needed some time to look into her fathers death and her clues took her to Johannesburg. She ended up locked in the very safe that she intended to rob – highly ironic. And how much more so that she wound up in deep space in the future for the Doctor to turn up and let her out. Is somebody plotting these stories?

Oh Wicked: Ace left Earth before the airing of Star Trek The Next Generation because she doesn’t have a clue how to behave as the Captain of a Starship! For one thing you don’t sound uncertain about every decision you make and secondly you don’t bark orders in a terribly stiff fashion – it’s the sort of portrayal that people who don’t watch Star Trek think how it is every week. I thought this was Ace we were talking about, the same person who defeated the Cheetah infection and overcame her fears of Gabriel Chase. Surely she can feign a little confidence to get them through this bizarre situation? Does she really need the Doctor whisper every command in her ear? Why does she bark out every command as though she is delivering a Shakespearean speech (‘You have the helm!’)?

Great Ideas: Earth Aid is the greatest charitable organisation in the galaxy. They bring help wherever it is needed, stop suffering and bring the highest quality of life to every sentient being. The Grubs eat to forget their unhappy past where they lost their home. The planet they are delivering the aid to turns out to be the Metaraxi’s homeworld (cue maniacal laughter).

Audio Landscape: Shower running, rowing boat, bullets firing through the air, cutting through the door.

Musical Cues: The shuttle music is as dreadful as you would imagine it would be! I’m in too minds about the score for this story because without a shadow of a doubt it is the best of the McCoy seasons – its trying to be forceful and atmospheric in places (there is a nice sweepingly epic theme for the space themes). However comedy shouldn’t need the music to drive home every single gag and during the (not so) funny scenes the music is constantly there to slap you round the face and scream ‘this is funny…you should be laughing!’

Isn’t it Odd:
· I didn’t like the Star Trek parody in Bang-Bang-a-Boom (and no matter what detractors say, it is a parody of Star Trek – even the writers said so!) and I don’t like it here. Doctor Who has been around long enough to recognise that it is a more successful show than Star Trek but back in 1989 (or 1990 when this series would have aired) it was a fledging show with little love from its fans and the BBC and Star Trek had just enjoyed a massive ratings smash revival in America (and that success was bleeding over into the UK). Was a Star Trek style parody (‘She said “ make it so”’) really the best approach? It would be like Coronation Street (which is currently in a ratings crisis) taking the piss out of Eastenders (top of the charts) – it feels a bit like whispering poison jealously in the corner about a show that is doing better. I don’t understand the point of mocking up a Star Trek episode (they dock with a shuttle form and Away Team and explore the ship) whilst all the time taking the mickey out of the other shows clichés (‘You’re reporting that there is nothing to report?’) – if I want to watch an episode of Star Trek I’ll watch one. I don’t expect to turn on Star Trek and watch a story about Picard travelling through time and space in a small cupboard and do you know I don’t think the writers of Trek would ever consider bothering to write a parody of Who. They have better things to do. ‘She says belay that a lot. Its like she once she once heard the phrase in a story about a Starship Captain and its stuck in her head.’ Groan. Ben Aaronovitch is a much better writer than this. ‘There is a certain logic to his suggestion’ – thanks Mister Spock, oops I mean Doctor. ‘And if all else fails, engage!’ ‘Engage?’ ‘Fight!’
· Where the fuck is Raine? Forgive me but was the purpose of this season to give Ace another season or to introduce a new companion because it has focused squarely on the former at the detriment of the latter. I’m not surprised that people haven’t warmed to Raine…they haven’t been given the chance to! Given the choice between a whole episode with her or the crushingly predictable end of episode one I would choose the former thank you very much. And doesn’t she sound just like Bonnie Langford during the cliffhanger? In fact she sounds oddly like Mel throughout this story. Once again Ace is the focus whilst Raine does a whole lot of nothing on the sidelines. Can you imagine a more insane way of bringing Raine back into the Doctor’s life than her just turning up because – we never find out what the reason was behind her being kept in a safe and brought into deep space. She just happens to wind up in the least likely place and rejoins the Doctor. And not only that but they set up hints about Raine’s dads death not being what it seems…and fail to elaborate! It leads no where!
· Hang on a moment…why was Ace posing as a Starship Captain? The closest to an explanation that we get is that they are there just in case anything decides to happen. Does that mean there are millions of Seventh Doctors and Aces dotted throughout history in workplaces that see people going about their business just in case something happens? Check out your work place tomorrow – they could be there.
· I think I have figured out why this mini season of Lost Stories has done nothing for me. As far as season 26 is concerned I believe that it was probably the best season for some time because the run from Ghost Light through to Survival was bold, dramatic and genuinely groundbreaking for the time (and for the show). Then came the New Adventures and all of the writers involved in this season all wrote several novels during that period (as with anybody I loved some – The Also People, Warhead, Lungbarrow and some I found less favourable – Transit, Times Crucible & Warchild) which seemed (with the help of some BBC PDAs – Heritage and The Algebra of Ice) to move seamlessly from one to the other. If you stick this Lost Stories season in between the two and it just doesn’t work at all – Platt, Cartmel and Aaronovitch all contributing some mature, beautifully characterised and highly imaginative stories to both the series and the novels. But their work on this audio season jars terribly – the stories have been slow and dreary, there has been a dearth of monsters, atmosphere has been at an all time low and the imagination seems to have been bled out of the series (an Ice Warrior tale followed by exactly the same story followed by a story made up bits of old Who tales followed by a Star Trek parody). Even if you push aside the New Adventures and compare with the strength of season 26 this is a plummet back into season 24 territory.
· The Metatraxi are back and thank goodness they have repaired their translation circuits so no more surfer dude nonsense. However they are trussed up like victims growling ‘you will feel our wrath!’ and other such clichés so they still don’t work. They are pretty much the comic buffoons of the galaxy! The most aggressive and warlike race that the Doctor has ever met? Don’t make me laugh! Why bother to conceal the identity of the Metatraxi ship for two episodes when they are slapped on the cover? By the end of the story you will have heard so much of their aggressive hyperbole (whilst failing to do anything remotely threatening) you’ll wish for the Doctor to send them the same way as the Daleks in another Aaronovitch scripted tale. Or even better get the cracks in the universe to gobble them up so they never existed in the first place. They’re traditional execution method is death by taunting – head hits desk.
· After the imaginatively named ‘Num Locks’ in the last story we now have a race of grubs called…the Grubs! More comedy aliens alas and their peculiar way of politely eating their way through the Earth aid once again lacks any tension at all. They are just more pointless filler.
· There is not one but two scenes where the Doctor and Raine treat a character in a patronisingly simple way and walk away rubbing their hands together suggesting that they will figure out the subterfuge only to hear ‘hang on a minute…’ from behind them. This is not clever writing.
· The end of episode three is the Doctor being locked in a room. Big woo. Could this get any more exciting?
· There is a gorgeous idea of a sentient planet that comes from no where at the end of the story and doesn’t have the running time to handle it with any depth. Although the last time we dealt with a sentient planet (Scaredy Cat) things didn’t work out so well so maybe its for the best.
· Basically the whole plot is that the Doctor and Ace are tricked into visiting the Metatraxi homeworld, they hurl some insults at him and then Ace tips a load of grain and grubs on their world. The end. Just to save you from listening. That’s all in the last episode and you can actually pick this story up from there without losing anything so that goes to show how pointless the first three episodes are.
· By an extraordinary co-incidence the grubs just happen to be the old inhabitants of the Metatraxi homeworld. Bloody hell – this is exactly the same plot conclusion as Animal! Two opposing sides introduced separately and coming together at the end. They’ve done it again!
· ‘This is totally bogus! Muuuuuuum!’ – that is the conclusion?

Result: What was the point of keeping Ace on if she is going to be made to look this stupid? What is the point of a Star Trek parody when there are a hundred million better premises to start with? What is the point of introducing a new companion and wasting her so thoroughly? What the hell is the point of this season? Unbelievably three of the strongest Doctor Who writers have put their heads together and created an abomination of a season and this finale seals its fate. Its not just that the comedy isn’t funny (its more like name calling and finger pointing) or that once again the guest cast fail to rouse any interest (the only I can remember is Yanikov whose character was made up of pointing out Ace’s mistakes over and over and over and over…) or that the story takes an age to get anywhere and when it does eventually develop its doesn’t have an interesting bone to its body – its that they thought that this camp sliver of old toot would have been in anyway acceptable as a season finale. I feel sorry for Beth Chalmers who hasn’t been given a chance as Raine – I desperately hope she returns in some form (without Ace) and gets the opportunity to shine otherwise her entire run as a companion is shoved at the sidelines. This isn’t just a bad Doctor Who story, it’s a bad Star Trek episode as well and that is a sentence I thought I would never write. The one good thing about Earth Aid is that it has been directed with some energy (not something you could accuse Thin Ice and Century ). Survival was a sensual and atmospheric treat to close the classic series on but if Earth Aid had led to cancellation and it would have been so embarrassing: 2/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: (go on, prove me wrong!): http://www.bigfinish.com/206-Doctor-Who-Earth-Aid

The Crystal of Cantus written by Joseph Lidster and directed by Gary Russell

What’s it about: Fabled crystals from long-dead civilisations. Jason Kane blundering into situations out of his control. Entombed Cybermen waking from a century-long sleep. It's all in a day's work for Professor Bernice Summerfield. Armed with her endless supply of witty quips and penchant for lost causes, she'll find the Crystal, rescue Jason, destroy the Cybermen and be home in time for supper. Except, this time, it's different. This time, as the saying goes, it's personal. And, after this adventure, things will never be the same again

Archaeological Adventuress: Bernice is not convinced about the cover story of Jason and Brax heading off to Berkoff 4 (what a great name for a planet of thespians!) to watch a Galyari production of Shakespeare! Oh dear Benny has sneaked away on Brax’s shuttles near the oxygen cylinders and one of them has a slight leak! I loved Jason telling Benny that she isn’t the centre of everyone’s universe because sometimes I really think she needs that touch of cold water to the face. One minute she’s having a go and the next minute she wants a go…but that is why Jason loves her! As soon as Bernice recognises the symbol of the Cybermen she wants to scarper, she is terrified of them. Bernice remembers being young and naïve like Parasiel but then she was exposed to things that made her realise how dark it all is. She knows she is fighting a losing battle but she tries to convince her converted ex husband to hold onto his individuality wielding the strongest weapon she has – her love for him. Just a year ago she lived on the Collection with her mates; Brax, Clarissa and even the bloody cat but now everything has been turned upside down and they are all gone.

Benny’s Gang: Parasiel tried to ask Braxiatel about the events on Cantus when he was packing up his stuff to leave the Collection. Braxiatel left his home so his people could survive? Its nice to see that when the chips are down Brax is as much as a coward as anybody else and he and Jason spin some awful web about laser eyes and subduing stowaways when they think somebody is on the shuttle! When they get into a tête-à-tête he tries to step in as a mediator but really…he should know better. Braxiatel is more like the Cybermen than he is Benny as he came to realise that there were things that threatened them, dark things that threatened to their very survival and he had to take measures that were more important than any one life. It happened to his people and then it happened to the Collection and so he made the descision to do something that would ensure their survival. He made the very naughty decision to contact his former self to arrange for a Gallifreyan artefact to be sent. He arranged the romance between Ronan and Clarrisa because he needed her just a little bit longer. He also arranged for Thesanius to contact Bernice and for Jason to intercept the message so he could get Jason to Cantus and convert him into a Cyber Controller.

Jason is worse than a teenage girl when it comes to gossip about Adrian and Bev. He encourages the worst when he says nothing could possibly go…whoops. Jason being tortured by the Cybermen is almost too uncomfortable to listen to – you really feels as though it is the end for his character and his converted image on the cover doesn’t help at all. He realises that Braxiatel has been responsible for his headaches, he has been pulling his strings like a puppet. Brax has always considered he was too stupid for Bernice. He tries desperately to resist conversion but eventually gives in but begs for Brax to look after Benny and Peter even after his mind is consumed. Whatever has happened to him on Cantus it has cleared Jason’s mind and he can now remember all of Braxiatel’s manipulations. He thrives on mayhem and likes the idea that all bets are off now Brax has gone and who knows what will happen.

Standout Performance: I was fascinated by Miles Richardson’s performance as Braxiatel because we have never seen the man as desperate as he is here before. Usually Brax is the centre of tranquillity, always ready with a quick barb worthy of Noel Coward and even when the Fifth Axis took over the Collection he remained a stoic figure of calm resistance. But in Cantus he is genuinely unnerved by the Cybermen’s games with him and frantically tries to figure just what they want to do with him and Richardson plays that madness with chilling accuracy.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘It’s a story about what will do to survive. Because we’ve all got to survive. Haven’t we?’
‘This isn’t just another story! Professor Bernice Summerfield in and exciting adventure with the Cybermen!’
‘Why don’t you try being more like us!’

Great Ideas: Like a slap in the face by a ten ton rock this adventures opens where we should have been at the beginning of this season – a formidable opening and promising danger, excitement and revelations. I really like the way Joseph Lidster narrates this tale with hints from the beginning about devastating consequences for the series, Parasiel asking for the tale to be recounted by both Benny and Brax after said events and how like a scattered jigsaw coming together there are lots of cuts to previous scenes as it all slots into place. The Cybermen are described as people on a dying world trying desperately to survive and replacing their weak human bodies with machines becoming monsters. It has been months since whatever happened to make Braxiatel leave the Collection and Parasiel is desperate to know what has happened. It was supposed to be a surprise that Brax and Jason were off to fetch the fable Crystal of Cantus for Benny but she rather spoilt that by stowing away on board. Bernice living up to Parasiel’s expectations by jumping straight to the Cybermen and all the action leads to a hilarious sequence featuring Brax screaming ‘Oh no you don’t you metal bastards!’ and the Cybermen laughing (literally going ‘ha ha ha!’) in a monotone! If the Cybermen came to the Collection they would take everyone and make them like them and they wouldn’t care when they did it. Should anybody think of attacking the Collection again Brax has a ready made army of Cybermen and a CyberController to command them waiting to save them. The artefact that the younger Brax sent his older self was a jewel from the Coronet of Rassilon which once yielded gives you power. You realise with inevitable cruelty that Bernice is going to discover Brax’s hand in all of this…he tells her that Jason is dead almost at the exact same time Jason reaches out with his mind and begs her not to leave him. Bernice wields the crystal and destroys Braxiatel’s Cyber army.

Audio Landscape: The choice of using very original series Cylon voices for the Cybermen is excellent (if you’ll pardon the pun!), they just sound so cool! The harsh tones of the Cybermen burst from the speakers screaming ‘WE WILL SURVIVE! YOU WILL BE LIKE US!’, Peter laughing, the Garrazone jingle, gunfire, they use the background hum from The Wheel in Space to unnerving effect, the most irritating answer phone message known to man, lovely stomping Cyber footsteps, electric warble as the Cybermen leap into action, laughing, birdsong, Cyber guns, Cybermats bleeping, rain falling, applause.

Standout Scene: The sudden appearance of Ronan who went missing during the anthology A Life Worth Living suddenly makes you realise that there is a running story that is being built up in this range and you have to flit between both mediums to get the full benefit. It is a giddy feeling to get pay off like this. Brax promised Ronan a summer adventure and instigated a romance between him and Clarissa Jones after the death of her Fifth Axis lover. Upon learning that he was also a Fifth Axis soldier (information planted by Brax) she asks him to leave the Collection and he is never seen again. Now we find out what Ronan’s side of the bargain was for his summer affair and its not pretty…

Also the shocking moment Benny comes across a Cyberman crèche full of newborn babies with implants. Her hysterical reaction says it all.

Notes: ‘They were like us once. A long time ago anyway. Their planet goes tits up so they start to replace their human bits with robot bits. Then they replace their brains with computers and before they know it they’ve lost any sense of being human. Then their planet gets destroyed and they head off into space to find a new one. And they start to think it would be a great idea if everyone was like them. There’s a whole bunch of wars and everybody thinks they’re dead and then some bloody stupid archaeologists find their tomb. These esteemed and clever archaeologists inadvertently find the Cybermen’s tomb on a planet called Telos. More wars and again they were pretty much destroyed. Turns out they’ve got more than one tomb and there are a whole bunch of them dotted about the galaxy. And we’ve just blundered in and woken them up’ – the history of the Cybermen as recounting by Professor Bernice Summerfield.

Foreboding: With Brax gone, the Draconians claiming they own the Collection and the Mim starting to make threats all the pieces are in place for the next season.

Result: After one outright disaster, one tale of frippery, one nicely written but poorly executed thriller and one bland but well characterised filler adventure The Crystal of Cantus comes as a real shock to the system. The range has been cruising on autopilot for a while and this is a sudden reminder of how good it can be when firing on all cylinders. It promises massive changes to the range and delivers, it uses the Cybermen in an imaginative and chilling way and it re-integrates the Collection and all the pleasing continuity that comes with it and uses the horrors of the recent past to create some excellent twists. Joseph Lidster is exactly the sort of controversial writer to breathe some new life into the range and he takes hold of Braxiatel’s character and finally reveals him to be the villainous mastermind that we always suspected. Add in some terrific performances (Stephen Fewell has never been better) and a feeling that there is lots of drama ahead and they couldn’t have ended the season on a better note. A superb end to a duff season: 9/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/65-Bernice-Summerfield-The-Crystal-Of-Cantus

The Goddess Quandary written by Andy Russell and directed by Gary Russell

What’s it about: Legend has it that the mighty warlord Aldèbrath will return to defeat the enemy of Imogenella. Should the need ever arise. When the monks of Etheria stumble across what they claim is Aldèbrath's last resting place it looks like the legend might come true. If nothing else the monk's could make some cash from tourism- perhaps even enough to repair the monastery roof. All they need is ascertain profess of archaeology to verify their claim. Simple. You think? Bernice soon finds herself trapped in a race against death on an unstable planetoid where there's more to the tomb than meets the eye. Mind you, the monks aren't all they appear either - oh, and Benny's old friend Keri wants in on the audience share

Archaeological Adventuress: She is told by Keri that her scepticism really is healthy. Travel light; move fast is the archaeologist’s motto which is wearing she only wears the clothes on her back. Even she knows that she is getting a bit long in the tooth for the damsel in distress routine. It takes more than a collision with a million tons of space debris to get rid of Bernice Summerfield! With her heavy scepticism how can she ever hope to understand true faith? Feeling betrayed by Keri she tells her she know longer has the right to call her Benny because that is what her friends call her. As she was running out of oxygen all she could see was Peter’s face and think that she would never see her son again and that was Keri’s doing.

Benny’s Gang: Benny’s old pal Keri the Pakhar is back (and I wonder if now Gary Russell is about to hand control of the series to Simon Guerrier if we will see any more of the Pakhars). She’s there as the galaxy’s top journalist to cover Benny’s little adventure. As soon as she hears that Bernice will be spending a great deal of time with a strange man on this venture she wonders (because clearly she knows Benny’s life patterns) if he will turn out to be a mad axe murderer! She hops it might be the case so she can snatch the scoop of the century! Poor Keri has hit hard times of late when she got involved with the multi zillionaire business tycoon Stellus Gad. She heard a rumour that Gad was finance arms to both sides in a war she was covering and her source showed her records of large sums of money leaving Gad’s accounts and going no where but it turns out that her source was one of Gads business rivals out to discredit him. The missing cash was going in anonymous charitable donations. Keri had already run the story and her company was sued for every penny. She is shocked to discover that her reports on Benny have been edited down and broadcast under the special interests sections which is widely known as a space filler! Being referred as ‘little mouse’ is extremely offensive and she points that out in no uncertain terms to Secundo.

Standout Performance: Jane Goddard is one of those performances that comes in for a lot of shtick because of her shrill delivery in the various Doctor Who stories she has appeared but I think it is worth noting that she is only ever given roles that are supposed to be shrill such as Alpha Centuri and Keri the Pakhar! Whatever role she is given she gives it 100% and I rather loved her as the cocky Anne Robinson character in The One Doctor (I love everything about The One Doctor) and she was desperately cute as Alpha Centuri. Whenever Pahkars have appeared in the various audio adventures Goddard has been there to put her own unique spin on the characters. It was one comic element too much in Bang-Bang-a-Boom but it works a treat in this story, especially as the character isn’t written as a meek green hand but a conniving professional trying to salvage her career.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Brother Myriad said that we’ve got the most luxurious rooms in the monastery!’ ‘True, but as he sleeps on a stone bed in a draughty cell he doesn’t aspire to the same level as luxury as I do.’
‘Why is there a giant rat in my room?’

Great Ideas: Parasiel wants to know about what happened with Braxiatel and Ms Jones after the Occupation of the Collection by the Fifth Axis and thinks that Bernice’s shyness to talk about it is covering something darker that she might be embarrassed to come to light. The Red Fountain of the monastery is caused by the internal atmosphere leaking through the malfunctioning protective electro magnetic barrier field and forms a shower of ice particles as it hits the sub zero temperatures of open space. It is red because Etheria sun is a red giant. After the war with the Festari the Holy Order of Etheria had almost been irradiated. There was only one survivor but God would not allow them to perish and delivered into the hands of Abbot Primus the means to rebuilt the Order through cloning. Contrary to popular opinion Aldèbrath is not a man – she was placed in cryogenic storage just prior to the last battle and her mind was deposited within the computer of the Fervent Hope. She was a vital part for the ultimate weapon that was responsible for the doom of the Festari. The Holy Order of Etheria was devised to spread the word to the rest of the universe, to dominate the beliefs of the free peoples of the galaxy, to prosecute the holy crusade on the entire universe. Anyone who does not accept the word of God will be cleansed from the universe. The Goddess is the embodiment of an ideology, she was a telepathic virus carrying a very special message – anyone coming in contact with Aldèbrath is encouraged to live a life of love and peace. The Festari weren’t wiped out, they just buggered off to live in harmony with the universe.

Audio Landscape: Lightning and heavy rain, warning klaxon, the monks chanting, the fizzing wreckage of the shuttle, the planetoid shaking,

Musical Cues: Simon Robinson’s score for this tale is much stronger than the last and he adds in some drums to bridge scenes to add some excitement.

Isn’t it Odd: How things change over time. I have suddenly realised why I am not getting as much from this series as the previous two and that is the lack of the unique regular characters that this series has taken pains to introduce and develop. As yet we haven’t had a sniff of Adrian, Bev, Brax or Joseph and as for the Collection – that hasn’t been heard since the middle of the last season! Its not anything for me to worry about because knowing the future of the series all of these elements will be back with a vengeance next year and dominate for quite a few seasons to come. Actually gets to the point where the audience starts to miss the jolly days of Bernice just adventuring again, like this season. As I said, how things change over time.

Standout Scene: The realisation that Keri has deliberately put Benny’s life in danger to get a good story out of this is a bit of a shocker, all told. You simply don’t expect a cute wickle mouse to behave in that fashion!

Result: I couldn’t quite get a handle on The Goddess Quandary because I found that the story unfolding just wasn’t interesting enough to justify keeping us away from the Collection again in a season that is starting to feel as though it is from a brand new spin off. We’ve seen no sight of Brax or Bev or Adrian and I really miss them – for some reason the anthologies focus squarely on the regulars and the audios are going in another direction. I know which I prefer. There has been some good writing this year but this is the fourth story of the same ilk now (Benny goes off to investigate/save/report on a lost civilisation) and it is getting a little wearying. Even Benny sighs wearily that this all turns out to be another ultimate weapon and it is little wonder that the universe has survived this long. I know plenty of religious people and I wonder if they get tired of fiction endlessly hashing up religious orders that want to cleanse people of their individuality – for a change I would love to see religion dealt with as a positive concept even if it is something I don’t subscribe to myself. Keri the Pakhar was the one shining beacon in this story, a genuinely fun and unpredictable character but when your favourite moment comes at the end of the tale with vague hints of answers to Braxiatel’s master plan in the next story you know there is a problem: 5/10

Buy it from Big Finish here: http://www.bigfinish.com/64-Bernice-Summerfield-The-Goddess-Quandary